Descartes < Rousseau

This is what I learned today. (Regarding the title.)

"Try to draw for yourself the image of a tree in general; you will never succeed in doing it. In spite of yourself, it must be seen as small or large, barren or leafy, light or dark; and if you were in a position to see in it nothing but what you see in every tree, this image would no longer resemble a tree. Purely abstract beings are perceieed in the same way, or are conceived only through discourse."

-Jean-Jacques Rousseau 

Nice Vibe.

Sometimes sitting on my bed 

after being stuffed with Pad Thai 

and secluding myself to my soft lighting 

while I listen to Ducktails 

on the headphones that are just replicas 

of the pair that magically disappeared 

is exactly what I need to be doing.

I feel relaxed like I couldn't move if you wanted me to.

I'm going home on Tuesday. 

I need to decide what my packing plans are.

Feels like a nice kind of static.

I Am Using You

Yes I am using you.

I'm using you for your smiles and insistance on five hugs a day-

for the time I thought the album must be crap if you kept replaying just the two songs on repeat

as we drove down the country roads by the house you said you would buy

I'm using you for the day I came to your doorstep with a box of cereal, stained cheeks, and a quivering voice,

back from the days when staying at your house was the best lie to cover up the somewhat innocent truth.

I'm using you for walking around the course when we pretend we're playing but really the violent throws are a cover up for the changes we can't fight

and the voices we dont want to keep down.

I'm using you for the fence-hoping, hottub embracing, foolish foolish times

the junkyard pictures, the winding highway,

the sleeping in the car because 

no-we-won't-pay-the-cheap-hostel-rate

and no we won't ask him to stay in his house

its awkward and uninviting

and we would have regretted that anyway.

I'm using you for the balloons after pulled teeth,

the times you said you didnt want to see me because you knew priorities were something we were supposed to be paying attention to instead.

Later we realized priorities are subjective.

I'm using you for the mutual understanding that one day we might not recognize eachother's last names,

for the journals we wrote and think about burning,

the chalk drawings in our cul-de-sac when i emulated your style-

even though I think you were trying to emulate mine.

I'm using you for the scribbles you send me in the mail, the postits you've left on the desk,

for the 

"manipulative accusations" and for my insistance in claiming your stubborn tendencies

and not-quite-hidden smiles.

I'm using you for your funny dances, 

our shared awkward glances

and the maybe-too-many second chances.

Are you using me?

four months until i am a foreigner.

March 7th. Which feels like I should round to mid-march. Mentioned outloud that April would be the last full month of classes and then I immediately took it back and said "sorry-"

Time is strange.