El cielo es azul, just don't go telling everyone.

I am leaving very soon and a lot is going on in my mind.

First off let me point out that I think everyone is a lot more concerned for me than I am for myself. It's not the leaving that concerns me, and it's not the new place. It's not the distance or the fact that I won't be coming home soon. It's not any of that.

In fact, I think most of what would concern me right now has very little to do with the fact that in less than a week I will be far, far from here.

Lately I have been thinking to myself "are we all just using each other to get to the next best thing?". We all mean well at the time, but when we meet someone new, this new friend could in time replace the old. We just keep meeting more people and the majority of the old will drift away. I've always been okay with this, okay with knowing that I will lose contact with a lot of the people I am friends with now. I guess it is just weird for me to think about if I am truly close to someone, or if we are just friends right now because it fits the moment.

Periodically I have to remind myself that there are a lot of people I need to not waste so much time caring about. I know that sounds super insensitive, and I'm not one for being insensitive, but I feel like I get hurt pretty easily when I find myself expecting others to put as much into a relationship as I. It is when I feel completely independent from knowing them that I can feel totally okay about seeing them without feeling hurt by the imbalance in a friendship. I guess once people realize you are slipping or gone they start to re-evaluate what is important and if it really would be a friendship lost. I am just going to leave it at that and not bother to make more sense.

I think there are a lot of ideas that frighten me. Like the whole concept of vulnerability and knowing that by being vulnerable, one can easily be dropped. I feel like I used to make myself so vulnerable and now I am cautious because I feel that if I become too comfortable with someone else that things will just be lost and I will feel foolish for so quickly adapting to comfort.

This sounds like a lot of unhappy thoughts...I am not just a lot of unhappy thoughts, I assure you.

love.love.love.

Claudia.

And in my dreams, I am dirty broke, beautiful, and free.

I am leaving in less than two weeks. And by that I mean 13 days.

Let me just say that my trip with Hannah was absolutely fabulous. Nothing went wrong and anything that could be interpreted as "unfortunate" just added to the trip even more and had no lasting damage.

We drove to Santa Cruz (stopping in Salinas and taking a picture at a giant artichoke in Castroville). We wantered around and got some sushi. I had an awful headache so I took some headache medicine and it went away just in time for Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band. The show (at the Rio Theatre) was amazing. I was expecting it to be good, but was mostly just going because it was on the way and made sense. I am so glad we went. They didn't "cover" any Bright Eyes, but I enjoyed all of the songs they played. Afterwards we visited with Simon and Megan for a bit. We then walked on the pier and went to Taco Bell before finding a place to sleep...in my car.  

The next day we went thriftstore shopping and in various stores in Santa Cruz. We also got bagels for breakfast and locked my keys in the ignition and had to a)buy hangers for five dollars and b)ask someone to break in for us. I bought a short black dress (which comes back into the story later). We got sushi again, but at a different place. They gave us free miso soup, two pieces of a tempura roll, peas, and fried calamari. Then we ordered food. Fabulous lunch. We visited Trevor at his work and walked around with him for a bit afterwards. That night we took this amazing drive to get to Morgan Hill on this windy road through forests. We listened to one song on repeat, This is the Dream of Win and Regine. It was perfect. We met at Hannah's friend's work, whose house we stayed the night at. Her and I exchanged about 600 songs. 

The next morning we took the bus/train to San Francisco, checked into the first hostel, and met Michael at the SFMOMA. From there we took transportation back to his car, and to great burritos at Gordo's. We ate them in the Golden Gate Park and prepped ourselves for:

THE FAINT. Basically the point of the trip. I went in just wearing that dress I bought in Santa Cruz because I knew it'd be hot. I had Michael hold my phone and wallet. I was supposed to call people during some songs, but it was impossible. The show was ridiculously intense and splendid. It was super packed and we were in the front in the moshpitting area. But not the dangerous kind, just the really into it crowd kind. All three of us fell down at one point, all three of us got bruises one way or another. It was great. The first band, Jaguar Love, was ridiculous. The singer was super flamboyant and you had to ask yourself "is this fantastic, or ridiculous?" It was great though. The Faint were fucking fantastic. The crowd was super into it and sang along and danced along. The lead wore goggles and a lab coat over his clothes. We all got super sweaty, which was to be expected. Hannah and I got dropped off at the hostel and went to a cafe place next door.

The next day her friend came up and we shopped around. We checked into the other hostel at Fort Mason and went to Height Ashbury to meet Michael and Trevor. Michael ended up meeting us later. I purchased the conor oberst cd at Amoeba and got an autographed poster with it. Hannah's friend, Madeleine, left and the three of us went to a cafe where Michael met us. We then went to a hookah bar after which Michael came back to the hostel and we played chess. Draw.

The next day we went to Height again and had pizza with Michael and Trevor. Long story short we missed the train, which is okay because it is our trip, and caught another one half an hour later. Madeleine and Max had dinner ready for us in Morgan Hill and after dinner we drove back to San Luis. I left a lot out, but it was an amazing trip.

It was very free and independent, made me glad to be a live.

We like that.

Now I have a bit over a week left of work, then hardxcore packing, then I leave.

People are all starting to leave.

 

Headlights Look Like Diamonds.

Right now I am having one of those times where I feel like a lot is on my mind, and yet my mind is blank. Now let me contradict this:

Tomorrow Hannah and I are going on our trip. It is going to be amazing but I guess I am slightly stressed out. In the morning I want to tidy my room and I feel that there is a lot of random stuff I need to make sure I have. I plan on packing light, but I need to make sure I have things like tickets, directions, address book, and batteries (to name a few). Our trip has a definite outline. This is exciting because it means spontaneity... but i guess somewhat frightening for me because I feel like something will go wrong. I am being silly. Nothing will go wrong. We are going to see the fucking faint. I know it will be the best concert of my life. 

The next week includes: Driving, public transportation, two concerts, seeing friends, and hostels. It will be grand.

Tomorrow morning I told Nate he should come over as I tidy my room. He and I realized the other night that with me leaving tomorrow and him leaving on Tuesday...we will not see eachother until Christmas. Odd. This is starting to happen with a lot of my friends. Hannah and Sarah are moving in the next few days. Many people start leaving for school around the 18th... Julia gets back around then, as does Jackie, and I will only have one week to see them before I leave. I think I am going to start packing my room soon. To minimize it for while I am gone, and to organize my shit. 

So I now know everyone that I will be living with in the house. I am in a bedroom for two girls, myself and Paris. All the rooms have nicknames and ours is The Princess Room. Perfect. 

I am leaving in about three weeks. It will most likely be very healthy for me. Healthy because I won't beat myself up about things back home. Healthy because I need to get away and sort out priorities and question everything. Healthy because it will be a start of some kind.

Here is to August, and all the changes it will bring.

love.love.love.