Earth Day; Earth Year

Boston is beautiful this time of year.

Today I got a Modest Mouse record for $5, and an old Shin's record for $5, a glorious day. 

Cambridge is always boppin'.

Stretchy comfy purple jeans.

Beast Roast: So many bands you won't even believe it! The Fluffernutters, Friends Making Out, SEX! the Band, Jimi Hendrix, Radiohead, Taking Back Sunday, Oasis.

'89 cents? You can't beat that!' donuts; slurpees are a steal.

Black Ink has so many things I don't need, but might end up buying.

'Sometimes I go weeks without saying a word to anyone.'

Yesterday I started to get really excited that I am studying PoliSci (Environmental Studies/Studio Art minor). I just started thinking "Yeah, this is exactly what I should be doing." I have this open-ended paper due Tuesday for Environmental Law and I decided to write about offshore drilling which is a hot-topic right now due to Obama's plan to open up more sites off the Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico. And I just started feeling really passionate about it.

I feel like last year I was pretty disappointed in the academics of BC. With the exception of a few classes, I was stuck in big lectures and in classes that bored me rather than stimulated me. A semester is a long time to feel engaged in a class- but this year I feel much better about it. Despite my little crisis first semester of what-am-i-majoring-in and am-i-even-studying-anything-at-all? I just feel that I have gotten into more specific classes that truly interest me. It's a really nice feeling.

Studies just feel much more applicable and I am starting to feel like I want to know as much as I can about anything I can know more about.

I'm really excited that I'm going to be able to graduate with polisci but also have time for env. studies. And I figure since I take an art class every semester for my peace of mind I might as well take all the minor classes. My portrait oil painting class is really enjoyable and I'm really excited for the next couple of assignments. The next is a childhood self portrait and then we have a huge final life-size (symbolic) self-portrait. I think my painting skills have improved a lot through the course, and I'm constantly amazed at both my peer's natural talent and progress. It's really exciting to see each student's assignment and get to talk about each piece in detail.

So things are going well. And I'm going to work for BC Catering during Senior Week which will be great. They give you a room on campus and pay you to help with all the fun events. It means one more week of Boston in the summertime. One more week with lovely, lovely people.

Have a good night.

love.love.love.

What I once anticipated now frightens me.

What I once anticipated now frightens me.

But here is a clip from the weekend.

Towards Oneself

I wish people were allowed to express extreme thoughts of pain without always hearing the prefix that anything of such nature will be reported. Because I actually think its quite common to feel this way. I also wish I could allow myself to experience the pain that my mind keeps thinking about, that I wasn't squeamish and recognized it as a poor decision. I wish there was a way to let someone know how you hurt without making them hurt as a result of it. I wish expressing emotions didnt feel like attacking or abusing.

Today in Philosophy we talked about Freud and the battle between Eros and Death. Mourning was brought up, how agression takes the placeholder for a love one lost. How this aggressiveness is channeled as blame towards oneself or another, towards the catharsis of tears.

One of the more mentally engaging five minute discussions of the year.

I Will Never Be Chuck Close

And I am mad at myself for pretending.

My friend in the hallway said why be Chuck Close when I can be Claudia Christensen?

I don't know, for some reason I don't really feel the energy of affirmations right now.

Because I know how to affirm,

and if you affirm me I will see right through it,

I will say "you are very good at affirming, two can play at that game".

I have fallen into my cynical phase and I already have accepted, almost encouraged, it to stay for a while.

I can listen to no song with lyrics for fear of interpreting made up meaning.

I am having a very hard time dealing with time. 

Exams in one month and so many papers and paperwork to complete before that?

Home in a month and a half, and spring and planes before that? I dont really feel like anyplace is home right now, everywhere I go is just a guest bedroom.

Argentina in three months, and friends and family and work before that? I know no one there, and I feel pretty completely in the dark with anything related to it.

"How could someone put up with me for life when I can't even put up with myself?"

I know I'm choosing to exclude any discussion of the positive right now, but it just feels like failure a million times over.

I will never be Chuck Close.