You Said You Wanna Die; Now You Say You Wanna Live.

"He felt just like love. Except no fear of losing, and it wasn't tough."

Trying to think. Well last night I went to bed late (again) and was tired when I woke up.
But you know? I'm really proud of myself. I have so many projects going. I went and bought another blank journal yesterday that I get to start tonight. And that's one of many things ive been working on. : ) it makes me feel so accomplished and happy. The one thing I'd say i havent been doing (and want to do) is reading. I got two books today I requested, and i know they'll be super good, but i really need to read them. Im also reading the fuck up (very good) and trying to re-read the fifth harry potter before the movie. (There are also about five books ive started and not finished). This didn't used to happen to me. I used to read one book at a time completely. I think the problem now is that i just get really busy with everything else going on i never actually finish them.
though i did read The Stranger and Das Energi (both requested by friends and both good).
Das Energi was a bunch of thoughts, some I didnt agree with, but many i did.

Today we went to this thing about college, basically because i need to start researching scholarships (and colleges). I know i can get scholarships, but to do so i need to apply apply apply. And that scares me and im worried and and and...
i know i'll go to college, but it's going to be hard financially and that really scares me.

Today i reconnected with an old friend.
ive been doing so much of that lately, its totally whats keeping me going.

(that and knowing that me working means paychecks and being able to support myself).

i think im coming out of my apathetic lonely phaze...i worry myself too much im sure.
my two friends and i have this notebook that im falling really behind on.
in real life i stopped capitalizing i's, so on here i never know whether or not i should.


the following lyrics really make sense to me:

"I saw the devil in a dream.
He wore faded jeans, and was smiling.
He promised every living thing to me.
And when a soul was in despair,
He made confetti fall from everywhere."

lovelovelove
claudia

Things Are Happening; Things Are Settling

I haven't decided if I should try to write these at the end of the day, or just whenever. I think I will write every day, but not necessarily after the fact. So that being said, I'm writing in the afternoon today.
Not gonna lie, i feel like shit today [physically]. I feel like ill come down with a fever but the thing is its just a consequence to my choices. so im okay with it.
i just made an excellent cd for my friend with 21 amazing songs. The artists go: the strokes, maria taylor, daniel johnston, scissors for lefty, lcd soundsystem, silverusn pickups, pixies, dntel, islands, jenny lewis & the watson twins, the grateful dead, dntel, tokyo police club, tapes n' tapes, overrated, azure ray, gael garcia bernal, troubled hubble, wolf parade, artci monkeys, down.
and its way sweet.
today i called a friend because i was tired of fighting, and i think things are okay now.
and well,
there isnt much i feel like saying right now, so for today that's it.
lovelovelove
claudia

Trying Something New.

So my friend told me about his blog which he writes most every day. I know people blog, but I dont usually take the time to read them. Well I did, and I thought I'd try it.
I guess maybe this is unnecessary because i already write every day with a pen and paper. I also started another journal with letters addressed to people with things i want to say to them. So often i want to tell someone something, but dont. Not because Im too shy too, but because i know "its not allowed". So now i can do it, and i think that it may help me decide what i should be saying.

I have a lot of thoughts that run through my mind but when i speak them i hear that they're "random" and "interesting" but in a tone of voice like "why didnt you keep that to yourself?"
...
I like sharing my thoughts, i like hearing other thoughts.
so HERE. Im going to do that. i believe in honesty.

im feeling weird lately. i guess certain events have gotten me down.
also, ive hung out with a lot of people this summer, but ive already been out of school one month (since may 31st) and i feel like summer is going to damn fast. that makes me depressed. it's almost half way done and then i spent another 9 months feeling depressed and lonely. i dont want that. i dont know what to do about it.
i love chilling with people and just talking, or not talking but being. but i want to start doing things.
im never home lately (it seems) and yet what AM i doing? working i guess. and thats important to me.
but all in all i think i like where my life is heading.
i know that there are some bad habits im starting, but im okay with that because i continue to believe if i know its happening then it makes it a little better.


today i hung out with a friend for breakfast. then met a friend i lost touch with (even though she was there the hold time) and talked to her. she was straight up and it was a nice change when i find myself surrounded by people who can't be REAL and HONEST.
in a few minutes ill go to a friends house for the night, and i know that'll be great.
there is so much i could say,
but then again there is so much i always want to say.

hi, nice to meet you. hi, nice to start this.


lovelovelove
Claudia.