Keep Talking to Me Please

Saturday:
Stressed out a lot during the day because of writing essays for scholarships, but got it done just in time for ze party. It was cool to see people that I normally don't get the chance to talk to or simply do not see enough. We ate, talked, open presents. She was pretty surprised by the whole surprise party...which was good :) In the eve we were told to sleep at midnight ...we were told several times. Is this unrealistic do you think? Well my car fits six, and we had seven. But it was the best option. Unfortunately it was parked right by the house and the others were outside of the gate on the road. So I put mine in neutral and steer as others silently push. Hit the curb. We calmed down, tried again. She ran to open the gate, gained speed, no brakes, sparks at bottom, turn, going down a road, cannot slow down. Only option is to put the car in "park" so the car tries to screeches to a stop without the aid of brakes...makes a lot of noise. Hop in, go, we're alive. Sunshine, dennys, come back, walk back up driveway and inside.
Nice, nice.

Then today was pretty good. Got home around one and left my house around ...2? Played guitar (because I am oh so great at it), sat, walked. Bought this cool...box thing. and such. Went to the video store, set up an account. She rented cashback and everything is illuminated.
We got back, cooked, ate. Watched cashback.
it was really good. the scene transitions were very well done and artistic. I also like that with the frozen time the character took the time to appreciate the beauty in little things. My dad had seen the movie and thought that with that time so much more could have been done, but i liked it the way it was. the script was great too. overall i really enjoyed the movie and highly recommend it.
and im feeling okay
but i should go do calc homework
and i think i understand things better now.

lovelovelove

Hit me, let it hit me.

i was on a roll with depressing thoughts earlier tonight, but i'm struggling with recalling all of them now because i'm feeling a bit better...
so around 5 or so someone said "you seem sad" and i guess it wasn't till i heard that, that i realized i was. really sad. and i guess it was over nothing. sat with some friends, talked, listened, etc.
Drove with Kelsey to Atascadero for a concert at the lake. it was really gorgeous, and hecka romantic (as kels pointed out). There was a deck around the lake, a path, gazebo. Loud crickets, ducks. <3 There were some cool people there, some good hugs were exchanged...etc etc.
I started to get a headache because all id eaten all day was some lunch, and it was getting late. Music was good (as always) but I just felt not really there. Or maybe there, but just not okay.
And I started thinking about how I was at the same point where I was six or so months ago, and how I hate that. How i always wind up at this EXACT same point. And then i got frustrated with myself for being mad at myself because I guess it's not all my fault anyways. I guess the frustration is also that there were some really good days, i had a good summer, but now it's like nothing has changed, or like they have gotten worse.
Worse because of...? It's weird, I like myself now more than I used to, but in someways i fucking piss myself off. Like why do i always feel awkward now and not know how to articulate? Why do I get nervous and choke up when talking in front of a class? Why do i fiddle and want so badly to dance, but for whatever reason just can't. It's not that i'm self conscious is the thing, it's just that now it's like i'm trapped into this person that sometimes feels restricted.
Senior year is in no way better than other years. I don't mean because of personal life, but everything. HI, my name is stress?
I just know that I want to be in one safe place and STAY. I don't want to have to search or worry, but just be happy with the way everything is. You can call that Utopian, but some people have it. I want that to be me.
I'm sure there was more, but I guess it doesn't matter.
When i couldn't remember what I had wanted to write on my christmas lists as a child, my father always said "if you can't remember, then it must not have been important"
but sometimes that simply isn't the case.

This whole blog can be misinterpreted i'm sure.
Hopefully Saturday will prove to be okay, and that I can keep sanity.
Need to wake up for tennis...
lovelovelove.


lets find ways

What Do You Say In Response To What You've Told Others?

Expendables show was fucking great.
School today was fine.
Some funny moments like when i said "we can take our shirts off too if you want" and doughty walked by...hahaha.
And playing the game at tennis and downtown
hopefully i remember to keep it up at school tomorrow
yeah she is right, bipolar for sure. eh. it happens though.
am partly okay and partly freaking out because of stress and such.
im not GREAT but i'm decent, right?
i really should go to bed
but i think this weekend will be good (though i do have things to stress about)
night
lovelovelove

p.s. am a bit concerned about situations. a bit disappointed, a bit frustrated.

Challenges That Shape My Personal Life

I should be writing an essay but am struggling with the following prompt: Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow?
I'm wondering now how I will write it so that it makes sense, and is not a series of thoughts that don't fit.
"challenges". i haven't had too many. I don't have much money, that is a challenge. But does that relate to my aspiration of wanting to help others? I suppose. Of wanting to positively change the world because the ignorance that is more and more apparent every day disgusts me? Maybe.
My day:
As expected, when my alarm went off at 630am I sprang out of bed and into the shower more quickly than usual. I think because the three hours of sleep (330-630) felt like a nap that rejuvenated me.
It was an 850 day, but I chose to not sleep in. I walked to Starbucks and sat against a wall by the movie theatre where I talked to a friend. I cried briefly but regained composure because things were looking up. Inside I wanted to sit and write, but bumped into a Freshman bud who I talked to for about fifty minutes (about teachers and homework and weird policies at our school). We walked when it was time.
And so at school I was awake. I felt pretty antsy all day and wanted to talk but at the same time wanted to explain absolutely nothing. My classmates again frustrated me with ignorance. I missed people that weren't at school that should have been.
After school I went with friends to buy tickets to a concert tomorrow, but I wasn't in the conversation and I couldn't really focus.
Then I had tennis. Where I played like crap, total crap. It was as though the lack of sleep had caught up with me. I felt incredibly lazy and had no energy to put in. People are nice to say "no don't worry about it" after i apologize for fucking up yet another point in the game that probably doesn't matter anyways. Also it was very hot out. And after each point i closed my eyes and was sure I could fall asleep (or faint) at any moment. I was just so tired I couldn't think or focus on the game or anything.
I got home and wanted peace, but everyone was arguing. Then at dinner I felt pressed for time because dinner itself was taking away from the time I had.
Now I need to write that essay, and I just....dont know. I love writing, yet I can't just WRITE the essay.
repeat me. repeat me. repeat me.
feeling antsy
This weekend is going to be fucking brilliant. Am I right?
fucking.brilliant.
Anything I could say is contradictory.
I think my senior quote will be
"do i contradict myself?
(i am large. i contain multitudes)"
because i continue to identify to it and to me it means so much that all makes sense.
the music is so beautiful.
it's cool how looking through binoculars, one sees the image in one unified circle. It is interesting to me and I want to center the object in the circle and gaze forever.
Now might be a good time to talk to me because i have a string of thoughts. But please, no superficial bull, ignorance, or feeling obliged to be polite. Just be simple.
AND
loveloveloveyou.

41

It's pretty cool that my blog actually gets read, even if lately it's not too exciting.
To be honest, i dont really like my new hair, and when people say it's cute part of me wonders if they're being polite. Don't feel obliged to comment on this entry just to reassure me you like it, i'll just doubt you more.
Last night i was freaking out. And I came to this realization:
I've tried to be so positive lately, to tell myself "things will work out" but then I started freaking out that maybe nothing would work out. This was in part due to me stressing over school and work I had missed while gone, as well as other factors.
So i called skyla (because sometime people forget we are all there for eachother) and she asked if everything was okay at which point i started crying. By the time we hung up i think i felt better. I just get stressed really easily. And i know that in most cases, there is nothing anyone can really say to help other than "it'll be okay", but its still nice to be listened to.
And today i realized:
The best friends I value are the ones that can call eachother crying
and i dont mean to say that is the only thing they are good for, but that is definitely a perk.
I never spell definitely right and spell check never catches it the first time.
I feel pretty frustrated with my parents lately (currenty my dad mostly). This is because I have really been trying to get my homework done. For example: today my dad said i couldn't go on the computer until my room was cleaned (i really need my own computer) and, being responsible, i put homework before my room. And I had to do the dishes, even though i kept telling him i had a lot of homework to do. But i did the dishes as told, did all my homework (before my room), and cleaned my room. Only then did I go on the computer. And i feel like this responsibility should be applauded...but there is just condition after condition, it's ridiculous.
Another example: thursday i want to go (and will go) to the expendables concert, but to do so i have to write an essay tomorrow (this is on top of my usual homework and physics that i missed while gone) for a scholarship (that isn't due till sunday).
So i'm pretty stressed.
And these are a series of random thoughts.
And when I cleaned my room today I decided to count my dresses. and i have forty-one
i am very proud.

lovelovelove

I'm Still Here (I Promise)

So here I am in Utah. The wedding tonight will be for my cousin Liz. The last time I saw her was eight years ago when her sister (my cousin) Erica was married. Erica and her husband have 10 wk old twins who have been getting plenty of attention. It's nice to see family again, simply because I never do.
It's also nice to have thinking time (even if I'm sick, even if I'm worried about school).
Either today or yesterday was the first day of fall, and it's really noticeable here. Trees are bright colors. This place is a ski resort so there are chairlifts everywhere.
Just wanted to give an update,
lovelovelove

I Dare You To Dance!

This is how I make things normal: i play a song...start to walk in the kitchen, and then can't contain it and i run around dancing because that makes everything so much better. today is going to be a good day because i am going to get a shit load of stuff done. it'll be crazy. i'll probably blog again later, but wanted to say that when you're home alone and your mind is spinning, you should run around dancing. smile! i actually think this whole time in all of our lives could turn out really well. and i love you all so much. i hope you all remember that.

We're All Taking Turns

im really feeling the song "juicebox" by the strokes and it makes me want to run around and scream, in a good way.
i have a million thoughts lately, and part of me wonders if i'm blogging too much?
i have to be careful how i phrase myself...
so sometimes i think i talk too much, i mean, sometimes i dont talk at all but...
i just feel like sometimes i keep talking and saying the same line after line and then it loses importance and becomes meaningless.
wow,
and i guess suddenly that's all i know to say.

other than i feel closer to my friends more now then ever,
even while we all move apart
and stress.
everyone is so stressed.
all the more reason to not leave each other.
its a hard combination: being pissed at yourself while accpeting affirmations from friends that tell you "you are loved". I guess that means we shouldn't be pissed at ourselves. who's sane right now? no one is sane all the time, we're all taking turns.

part two

i guess ill stray from that last post
(even though one of my friend's mothers once got her jaw stuck shut due to stress and she couldnt open it for a few days and now my jaw really hurts and is clenched)
because i want to tell you about the good things that happened today:
1)i made full use of my time by waking up at 630. Got to santa maria to play tennis. each team would play 90 games total. and when i say team i mean doubles team, as in, each person would play 90 games. i played 30, then took a break, then played another 10. it was a tournament and when i left we were undefeated (and we ended up winning the tournament). i didnt really talk about life, but i sat and ate food and played and played well...
2)i got three hours of community service done. after the three (working at a thriftstore) i bought three dresses, pants, two shirts, and a sweater.
3)my friend picked me up and i went to her house
4)we played guitar and talked about what really matters
5)we put on dresses
6)we bought food
7)went to mitchell park. beautiful from afar as you walk up and see dots of light in the gazebo. shadows of people. as you approach there is a circle full of blankets, people, candles, and food in the middle. talking. i sit down with my friends, so happy to BE THERE. this is why i live. because sometimes life is like it was tonight. and we share food, and listen to the coolest music, random stuff. and people play guitars. and we sing. and we dance. i liked that i was so happy to hear music, that i would wiggle and dance just sitting...and when a cool song was played, i'd jump up and dance around the circle pulling people into hugs. being there, i felt loved. and i think all of us did a little.
At one point some song came on and for whatever reason i jumped up, climbed over the gazebo and ran away. just ran across the grass, barefoot. and i could hear the people in the gazebo noticing. and i just ran so hard. two people ran out and joined me, one said "why are you running?" and i said "i had to run away from everyone" which had the response of "you're amazing". and you know what? so are they, so are all of them. and when i sat down my friend said, "what made you run, love?" and i said calmly and quietly, "the music came on and i had to run away"...
And candles dripped wax. Candles stood up in apples. drips and lines of wax formed on the bottles, candles stuck to the ground. it all made me happy and pleased.
At times when we were singing i looked around at the faces. some were sad, and i tried to read what they were thinking. some were kind, and it was kind of a beautiful happiness. and hugs goodbye, and goodnights...
you know free hug day? i think i only got to hug one person... I hugged so many more today.
you don't need a reason to hug today. because as far as everyone tonight knew, we were hugging because we love, not because there was any other reason we needed to be hugging, no one has to explain sometimes.
8)came home. said goodnight to family. talk to friends. and thought "big girls don't cry" but i guess im not that big of a girl, because fact of the matter is: i will miss them.


night

I Am The Queen of Nothing's Wrong

Remind me in four or five days to tell you about something comical I said in eighth grade, just not now.


There are things that shouldn't be said at night in an empty parking lot.
There are moments when you wonder why the fuck you are who you are. I told myself I would never consider caring about other people too much a weakness but,

I woke up and felt fine until I remembered where my train of thought lie, and you don't know how closely the mind and body are, even after being told so many times in science class. First my heart beat fast which made it hard to breath, and i had to make up random things to make it slow down. Then suddenly my room just felt ridiculously cold and i curled into a ball. As I felt this cold, my stomach started aching and i rubbed it gently. I hadn't eaten dinner the night before and had gone to sleep starving, but now that didn't even matter or cause the problem.

Surprises in mind are a waste of time it turns out. It was too nice anyways though wasn't it?

I think I've changed a lot in the past week, figured a lot of stuff out. How every day at school I will voluntarily be introverted and hardly say a word. But how come weekend I feel alive again. And now I'm wondering if all weekends for the whole year will be me, in school-week form.
And it's seven
and i have to go
because i need to go play tennis
and people will watch me hit the ball and ask "wow, what emotion is being taken out on THAT tennis ball?"
and you know what?
i won't say i word.
i just wont.

My Smiles Are Like My Words

Today i felt very aggravated. I tried to write as my hand shook in anger.
It's because lately more and more i am frustrated with the apathy and ignorance around me. it's hard to respect people's opinions when the reasoning is so false. it disgusts me that some people don't respect other cultures, understand differences, and yearn to help others. how can you be happy with the life youre living if you are doing nothing to help the greater whole in some way?
one thing i have now fully decided regarding vegetarians- i see no point in becoming one unless it is to become a vegan at the same time. to me, if someone is a vegetarian for the common reasons (maltreatment of animals, bad labor laws, etc) then for all the same reasons one should be a vegan. you'll eat the eggs from the chicken who is in the tight cage being killed by the man who can't afford a damn thing, but you won't eat the chicken? im not saying that people have to be vegans, but i merely suggest if you're a vegetarian, what reason do you have to not be a vegan? a great part of me wants to become one every day, but i wont let myself unless at the same time i am actually trying to change this. me not eating ___foods wont help, but me writing to companies AND not eating them might.
i wish at school i felt encouraged to talk and show people who i really am.
but i have this weird problem where even when my friends are talking, i barely want to listen. thats not phrased well. what i mean is that i just can't focus on what they are saying or i oddly dont feel as interested as i should be. and i dont think its because of who they are or what they're saying, but rather where we are.
i want diversity.
there are a few things i have good feelings about.
there are some things in the very near future to worry about.
and
and and and.
AND.
lovelovelove,
claudia

Every Shower Leaves Me Confused

This all started two days ago:

I smell like January. How do you tell someone that without them knowing it's not your attempt to be poetic? And yet I stood there in the shower. Was it the conditioner? Yes, the conditioner that made my thoughts rush back to that month and that period in my life. Did it smell like comfort?
Back when things almost seemed on track. Thinking about it all, it's almost a regret. No, I don't regret.
I haven't spoken this to anyone. Will it make me seem oddly interested in something that is gone? It might make me obsessed with a time that someone may be trying to forget. Ignoring this, is that a form of moving on?

Listing Things

Today started out good because I went out to breakfast before school.
Things going through my mind now:
1)Friends know they can talk to me. I like this, and I like when they do. I worry when I find out someone has been hurting. I hope that they'll know they can talk, and not just sit there feeling sad.
That was for mostly girls, but also everyone.

2)I randomly got this lonely feeling this afternoon. I think it was partly due to me feeling exhausted. I was having trouble concentrating and was running through conversations.

3)This is a stupid blog. I don't like it at all.

4)It is so much easier to sit and think than try and talk about things that aren't of any importance to you.

5)Note to self: kb has something to do with bases: figure out what.

6)I need a nap. But I think I should go to the store instead.

7)I'm okay

8)Really.

lovelovelove

HELLO LITTLE BOYS LITTLE TOYS

talk about amazinggg song. For the past hour I've been telling myself I was going to sleep.
but WHOOPS here i am!
So what's it gonna take silver shadow believer?
Life is okay. um. A few random arguments here and there, but ive had some pretty eventful days.
Hung out with alyssa today, played tennis with chris, saw nate play, and came home early :)
i'm really thirsty.
collegecollegecollege.
schmallage. that's right college, i just insulted you.
zomg i'm in a random kind of a mood.
so mostly things are good
minus the jerk or two here and there
but since they're jerks,
it's not TOO much of a concern.
AND OKAY.
lovelovelove
sorry bout this one.

Hello, who ARE you?

It's a really sunny afternoon on a Saturday, and yet I'm stressing out. I layed on my bed for a while, putting on a mix a friend made me about a year ago. I layed the phone next to me, closed my eyes and covered them with my arm, and thought. I had no intention to sleep. Random things flew through my mind about how I was so sure of something that now I don't even know what to do with. And looking at other people and how happy they've been. And I even thought to myself, "why is it that I spend all week in school anxious for it to be Friday". It's never a fun mood to be in, the too-indifferent-to-get-up-and-do-something mood.
Each day a different person is leaving to college. It's weird, one by one.
Even now after each sentence I type I sit here and zone out for a few seconds before putting another one together.
I've only been in school two weeks, and already it's killing me.
Seeing the same patterns and the same annoyances.
I don't want to clean. It'll just get dirty anyways.