This is why I feel mixed up.

It's weird, but I feel so compelled to post. And at this point I don't expect anyone to remember I have this blog, or to check it. But here I am:


For a moment I wish I had burned it. A foolish thought. Overall I'm glad it's still around, even though the memories it holds aren't all the best. I had the urge to pick it up, and I sat on my bedroom floor. It didn't take long to look over, maybe fifteen or twenty minutes. Afterwards I sighed and my thought on the matter was "well, that was that". I set it back in a place slightly different than before, more in sight. I think I did this because I wanted someone to walk in, see it, and reflect.
I reached behind me and pulled the rolled up sleeping bag closer. I laid flat on my back and put my head on it. Arms folded, I looked up.
I stayed like that for weeks.

So Ambiguous.

I guess this doesn't really matter anymore, but I still feel a duty to post now and then. It's a bit sad that I know why my posts slowed.
My birthday is this weekend. People know, but I haven't been going around reminding people. It's just awkward to me to say "MY BIRTHDAY IS THIS WEEKEND!" because I don't want to be some attention whore. There are other things going on that hold just as much significance. I guess me being 18 is supposed to be a big deal. Part of me believes that. Parent signatures on forms won't be required now, I'll have a few more rights, and technically be an adult. I'll still be at home, still have rules, still won't be able to do everything. It'll just be a day, and hopefully an okay one.
My mother is going to Spain Sunday for about a week. I encouraged her to leave Friday or Saturday so that she would have the most time possible there, but she wants to be here for my birthday. Which is nice of her. I hope her trip goes well though....some tricky stuff back there. over there.
I've been staying pretty relaxed about school...I'll still stress out really easily...but things are okay.
Overall things are okay, they could be much worse for me.
Happy valentines day....
lovelovelove

Maybe You Are Right.

I can think of several things I'd rather do than the homework that was due today which everyone said took three or four hours.
There are two projects I need to work on.
One of which is in progress, the other I need to embark on.
There are three books I plan on reading this lent.
I need to type up cards for people.
I want to make packages and cds and arrange letters to put in the mail.



I was searching for a newspaper article of Chelsea Clinton, who I saw speak on Friday. My father saved it, but it has disappeared. In my loose pajamas I stepped outside on the deck to search the recycling bin. It was kind of cold but I made my mind get past that, and then it was just a breeze. The breeze ran through my clothes, and ruffled my shirt in the gentlest way. Everything felt smooth and soft.




My dad gave a really beautiful and philosophical speech today as he stood by the bookshelf that separates the dining room and kitchen. It gave me an idea. I'm following through already (in my head).
We can't all search for the happiness, find the happiness now, you'll find the happiness later.