Late Night Closed 40 Minutes Ago. It's Cold Out.

I figured now would be as good a time as ever to post...

Within the week: study sessions, work, an essay, a project, three finals, packing, a flight, California, dinner with family, friends. 

It's crazy to think a week from now I'll be out at Linnaea's visiting with my friends..."back home"...after spending three months here at BC-my home? 

I have a great deal of things to do, and I am accomplishing little I feel. It was yesterday that I started genuinely stressing-something I've only felt a few times this year as opposed to the daily times senior year. I am stressed because these finals coming up actually matter, and I actually need to study. 

I am going about prioritizing in an interesting manner. Example: Paris and I are keeping our room shockingly clean. I make the bed every time I wake up from a night's sleep or a nap, hang up my jackets and scarves as soon as I walk in, throw excess trash or papers away... sounds simple but is unlike me. I've also been repairing my clothes. Yesterday I sewed a button back on my pants, sewed up a whole in one of my shirts, and fixed some leggings. Today I sewed my purse that was ripping. I am going about doing these random things which make me feel accomplished while managing to avoid studying.  I suppose this is because studying is a larger task which I have trouble starting...but these little random tasks are easily accomplished and pleasing.

Being home for a month-a strange idea. Every day I think of more and more people that I am anxious to see, to run up to and hug. Places I want to go back home, stories to share and feelings to explain. I suppose it will be healthy to be home. More specifically, healthy to not be here? Time home will be time to process my life here, my decisions, and my priorities. 

Currently two of my house favorites (though I love them all) are watching "Jizz In My Pants" at 1231am. I will miss this. It will be strange knowing that if I want to walk outside at 3am I might have to provide explanations. 24/7 quiet hours began at 10pm tonight on account of study days and finals... at 955 a large group of us ran in the back yard and started screaming-plain screams, obscenities, frustrations. Paris and I have a "fishbowl" in our room with a different fish to represent each person who frequents our room. One of them was taken out today and is dead on the table, that may be corrected. Some are progressing and moving closer. People that ask why it is a fishbowl do not deserve to be in it. Colin and I listen to Girl Talk-that's all we listen to. I like calling his phone because his dial back is a song that Girl Talk uses, and I find it interesting to hear it in its raw and original context. Today Paris, Matt, and I were sleeping. Colin knocked and I said "you can't come in unless you take a nap". Paris and I have a Christmas display with gingerbread houses and a tree. We all want to light the fireplace in the common room, but its not allowed-nor is incense. I like hearing "Remix to Ignition" played on the piano by Jordan. Cops get called on a group of boys standing in the backyard-they are smoking cigars which is allowed. I still forget the combination to my painting locker, and its the end of the semester. I have been texting more and more, something I never participated in before this school year. And the boy laying across the couch with his laptop just said "I'm really going to miss Shaw". 

You know I'll call you eventually, when I wanna talk

'Til then you're invisible. 

Have I failed to mention that I am enjoying Boston College? I am. Granted, right now I am not in Boston...I am in New York. With Columbus Day came a three day weekend and an opportunity for everyone else in the house to scatter to where they thought appropriate. For a number of them it was home. For me it was New York City, somewhere I had never been before but could go because I could stay at someone's house in Queens.

I feel as though I can barely in any position to give an opinion on the city, seeing as how i was only there three days. One thing I found, which may sound silly, is that being in New York City made me miss San Francisco. I feel like most large cities have a cluster of large buildings, but in nyc all the city is the cluster of large buildings. Okay let's try and be positive here:

I like that the subway runs 24/hours....that's something I really wish Boston had. The subway system confused the hell out of me, but I think that is because it is so unfamiliar. Boston will be quiet and calm after this.

Kathie showed us around to some great Asian food. It was a very Asian-centered trip. 

Summary: We were supposed to leave Boston at 830, but the bus didn't leave until 11 and it wasn't even the bus we had payed for...I wrote a letter on the drive over, and then slept. I woke up with Ryan saying "hey you might want to look around to see some of this for the first time" (or something to that affect): and i saw what the city looks like at three city in the morning-a lot of lights. When we got to Kathie's house in queens her mother was up and gave us some yummy dumplings. Saturday we slept a while then walked around (what was supposedly) the village. Ryan and I went in stores, I bought some scarves, some books. We met up with Kathie again at Penn Station around 9. We then walked around times square, which was crazy. A lot of lights and people, electronic billboards. Toys R Us, Virgin Record Store. We then went to eat good Vietnamese food with good Ginger Iced Tea. Got back to her house around 1 or 2. Talked. Woke up late Sunday, got dropped off at the MOMA. Amazing. So much artwork. They had a lot of everything, a lot of Picasso of Pollack of Monet. They had Dali's famous painting, Warhol, Matisse. They also had a special Van Gogh exhibit which included Starry Night. The museum closed and we saw all but one floor: the third: photography. Kind of a bummer, but I'll go back over Thanksgiving I'm sure. Seeing all the art was very emotionally exhausting, and in turn left me feeling physically exhausting. Something about all that art in one place and knowing how important art is to some people, made me want to cry as I walked around. It was a really interesting feeling. There was so much going on at once and I couldnt handle it....maybe it's good that I didn't have time to see everything. We then went to Strawberry Fields in Central Park which is this Lennon memorial where there is a mosaic on the ground that says "IMAGINE" with flowers and pictures, a guitar, and candle. It was all very beautiful. Also, his birthday was Saturday. Eric met up with us at this point and we walked over to the Empire State Building (which costs 19 dollars to go up and which we didn't pay) and then went to K-town. We ate Red Mango, then met his friends in a Korean coffee shop. We parted from him and his friends and went back to Kathie's. Watched Wedding Crashers and went to bed around 330. This morning we left with our bags to go to a pancake house. The wait was 45 minutes and after waiting about that long we just got food to go. It was really pricey and the service was a bit unfortunate, but when we got a chance to sit down and eat (while waiting for the bus) it was good. So now I am on the megabus on our way back to Boston.

Bleh. That was grossly long. I feel as though I should talk about real life at BC and how that is going. It is going pretty well. The first two weeks I was in a very good mood, very friendly, very extroverted. I am still content but more introverted for the time being. I suppose I have made a few close friends...though when I try and pinpoint them I feel that they are all guys... which is fine, just interesting that I always want to be good friends with guys, and have a harder time relating to girls. 

I'm completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them. I feel nothing, nothing

The shaw house is awesome. It's cool that not only are the twenty of us a little family, but we interact with other people who were once in shaw so it is kind of like one giant family. Seen as exclusive, but it does not have to be. Paris and I get along really well and we've had some good memories already exploring Boston or going out to breakfast. It's just a really nice place to live

Classes are fine. Taking five, it's reasonable. My classes really aren't that difficult considering I'm not one of the people taking Bio Chem Calc. That would be rough. 

I'm interning at the radio station which has been fun. So much music. Michael, Justin, and I have a show on the AM station which is every Wednesday 5-6 (2-3 California time) and can be heard online:

http://www.wzbc.org/AM.html

I do not feel homesick. Hannah is coming here for Thanksgiving, and then a couple weeks later is Christmas break at which point I will go home. I do not really miss home, I guess I miss aspects that my home had and a few friends, but I don't miss anyone terribly. I now call where I live at BC "home". It's relative.

I am exhausted at the length of this, sorry but I think I will have to continue some other time.

But the night rolls around and it all starts making sense 
There is no right way or wrong way, you just have to live
And so I do what I do and at least I exist
What could mean more than this? 
What would mean more? 

El cielo es azul, just don't go telling everyone.

I am leaving very soon and a lot is going on in my mind.

First off let me point out that I think everyone is a lot more concerned for me than I am for myself. It's not the leaving that concerns me, and it's not the new place. It's not the distance or the fact that I won't be coming home soon. It's not any of that.

In fact, I think most of what would concern me right now has very little to do with the fact that in less than a week I will be far, far from here.

Lately I have been thinking to myself "are we all just using each other to get to the next best thing?". We all mean well at the time, but when we meet someone new, this new friend could in time replace the old. We just keep meeting more people and the majority of the old will drift away. I've always been okay with this, okay with knowing that I will lose contact with a lot of the people I am friends with now. I guess it is just weird for me to think about if I am truly close to someone, or if we are just friends right now because it fits the moment.

Periodically I have to remind myself that there are a lot of people I need to not waste so much time caring about. I know that sounds super insensitive, and I'm not one for being insensitive, but I feel like I get hurt pretty easily when I find myself expecting others to put as much into a relationship as I. It is when I feel completely independent from knowing them that I can feel totally okay about seeing them without feeling hurt by the imbalance in a friendship. I guess once people realize you are slipping or gone they start to re-evaluate what is important and if it really would be a friendship lost. I am just going to leave it at that and not bother to make more sense.

I think there are a lot of ideas that frighten me. Like the whole concept of vulnerability and knowing that by being vulnerable, one can easily be dropped. I feel like I used to make myself so vulnerable and now I am cautious because I feel that if I become too comfortable with someone else that things will just be lost and I will feel foolish for so quickly adapting to comfort.

This sounds like a lot of unhappy thoughts...I am not just a lot of unhappy thoughts, I assure you.

love.love.love.

Claudia.

And in my dreams, I am dirty broke, beautiful, and free.

I am leaving in less than two weeks. And by that I mean 13 days.

Let me just say that my trip with Hannah was absolutely fabulous. Nothing went wrong and anything that could be interpreted as "unfortunate" just added to the trip even more and had no lasting damage.

We drove to Santa Cruz (stopping in Salinas and taking a picture at a giant artichoke in Castroville). We wantered around and got some sushi. I had an awful headache so I took some headache medicine and it went away just in time for Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band. The show (at the Rio Theatre) was amazing. I was expecting it to be good, but was mostly just going because it was on the way and made sense. I am so glad we went. They didn't "cover" any Bright Eyes, but I enjoyed all of the songs they played. Afterwards we visited with Simon and Megan for a bit. We then walked on the pier and went to Taco Bell before finding a place to sleep...in my car.  

The next day we went thriftstore shopping and in various stores in Santa Cruz. We also got bagels for breakfast and locked my keys in the ignition and had to a)buy hangers for five dollars and b)ask someone to break in for us. I bought a short black dress (which comes back into the story later). We got sushi again, but at a different place. They gave us free miso soup, two pieces of a tempura roll, peas, and fried calamari. Then we ordered food. Fabulous lunch. We visited Trevor at his work and walked around with him for a bit afterwards. That night we took this amazing drive to get to Morgan Hill on this windy road through forests. We listened to one song on repeat, This is the Dream of Win and Regine. It was perfect. We met at Hannah's friend's work, whose house we stayed the night at. Her and I exchanged about 600 songs. 

The next morning we took the bus/train to San Francisco, checked into the first hostel, and met Michael at the SFMOMA. From there we took transportation back to his car, and to great burritos at Gordo's. We ate them in the Golden Gate Park and prepped ourselves for:

THE FAINT. Basically the point of the trip. I went in just wearing that dress I bought in Santa Cruz because I knew it'd be hot. I had Michael hold my phone and wallet. I was supposed to call people during some songs, but it was impossible. The show was ridiculously intense and splendid. It was super packed and we were in the front in the moshpitting area. But not the dangerous kind, just the really into it crowd kind. All three of us fell down at one point, all three of us got bruises one way or another. It was great. The first band, Jaguar Love, was ridiculous. The singer was super flamboyant and you had to ask yourself "is this fantastic, or ridiculous?" It was great though. The Faint were fucking fantastic. The crowd was super into it and sang along and danced along. The lead wore goggles and a lab coat over his clothes. We all got super sweaty, which was to be expected. Hannah and I got dropped off at the hostel and went to a cafe place next door.

The next day her friend came up and we shopped around. We checked into the other hostel at Fort Mason and went to Height Ashbury to meet Michael and Trevor. Michael ended up meeting us later. I purchased the conor oberst cd at Amoeba and got an autographed poster with it. Hannah's friend, Madeleine, left and the three of us went to a cafe where Michael met us. We then went to a hookah bar after which Michael came back to the hostel and we played chess. Draw.

The next day we went to Height again and had pizza with Michael and Trevor. Long story short we missed the train, which is okay because it is our trip, and caught another one half an hour later. Madeleine and Max had dinner ready for us in Morgan Hill and after dinner we drove back to San Luis. I left a lot out, but it was an amazing trip.

It was very free and independent, made me glad to be a live.

We like that.

Now I have a bit over a week left of work, then hardxcore packing, then I leave.

People are all starting to leave.

 

Headlights Look Like Diamonds.

Right now I am having one of those times where I feel like a lot is on my mind, and yet my mind is blank. Now let me contradict this:

Tomorrow Hannah and I are going on our trip. It is going to be amazing but I guess I am slightly stressed out. In the morning I want to tidy my room and I feel that there is a lot of random stuff I need to make sure I have. I plan on packing light, but I need to make sure I have things like tickets, directions, address book, and batteries (to name a few). Our trip has a definite outline. This is exciting because it means spontaneity... but i guess somewhat frightening for me because I feel like something will go wrong. I am being silly. Nothing will go wrong. We are going to see the fucking faint. I know it will be the best concert of my life. 

The next week includes: Driving, public transportation, two concerts, seeing friends, and hostels. It will be grand.

Tomorrow morning I told Nate he should come over as I tidy my room. He and I realized the other night that with me leaving tomorrow and him leaving on Tuesday...we will not see eachother until Christmas. Odd. This is starting to happen with a lot of my friends. Hannah and Sarah are moving in the next few days. Many people start leaving for school around the 18th... Julia gets back around then, as does Jackie, and I will only have one week to see them before I leave. I think I am going to start packing my room soon. To minimize it for while I am gone, and to organize my shit. 

So I now know everyone that I will be living with in the house. I am in a bedroom for two girls, myself and Paris. All the rooms have nicknames and ours is The Princess Room. Perfect. 

I am leaving in about three weeks. It will most likely be very healthy for me. Healthy because I won't beat myself up about things back home. Healthy because I need to get away and sort out priorities and question everything. Healthy because it will be a start of some kind.

Here is to August, and all the changes it will bring.

love.love.love.

I want to think what I should know.

I feel unsure about a great deal of things. Typical emotional sentence that can be supported well and therefore is justified. To be brief, it is interesting to reflect on who I am friends with and who I am close with. I consider a handful of people to be my best friends but I wish I could tell you that there is one of them who knows me so much better than the rest. Interesting how my best friends aren't even the ones I hang out with these days. These days I hang out with a handful of people I am very close to, and those are the ones who know me better than the rest. Maybe it frightens me how my relationships with people fluctuate or how I don't know the concept of consistency. 

When I am upset I go into a minimal mode. That is, one in which I try and seem as minimilistic and simple as possible. I do not know if there is a desired effect to it, I think it is just how I start to act by default when I don't know how to act. Acting like nothing sometimes seems safer than acting like something. Similarly, I try and keep my things-i-wish-i-hadn't-said-thoughts to myself because repeating them out loud, if even to regret them, just never seems like the best of ideas. Besides, I don't regret....I just replay over and over and think about why it is okay that things are how they are. I believe a lot of people try and live this way: sans regrets. 

I think it can be healthy to regret things here and there....but the overwhelming majority points to "don't". I am in this majority.

Time to sleep. Time to work. 

Goodnight!

love.love.love.

We're Off The Rails.

Jackie wants me to go without a negative thought...

shoot.

I can ride my bike with no handlebars.

This past week has been crazy, to say the least.

I had a fabulous time with friends both Saturday night, and Sunday night. I chose to stay up Sunday night instead of sleeping before catching the train at 645 am. So I stayed up chatting and packed my bag around five am. Taking the train by myself was fabulous. Everything went smoothly and the train was relaxing, beautiful, and made me feel optimistic for so many reasons.

The train was crowded to I sat by one person from SB to LA and another from LA to SD. Both were interesting, though I talked to the second person more. She was fascinating. She must have been in her seventies. It was clear that she has lived fully and continues to. Regarding having time to do everything she said "You know, I'm probably in the last third of my life...and if you break it down I'm probably in the last fourth of my life, but that's okay" she still is so optimistic and has so many plans. 

Sarah and her family picked me up at the station, then Sarah and I went on a walk and caught up on life. Once at the house, we ate dinner. I then took the public transportation (metro? eh?) all by myself in a city i had never been to. And you know what? I got to my destination safely. I visited with my friend for two hours, and managed to catch the last...."trolly" at 1138 pm. There were some sketchy people, and some sad cases, but it was a good experience and just makes me anxious for this coming year.

In the morning I slept. Then we went to some museums in Balboa Park. From there we went straight to the station and Sarah rode back with me. Long story short we took a bus from SB to SLO and met Glasses Boy, an English prince named William. We passed notes to him until finally we just sat and talked. He is on a voyage, on his gap, with his friend who sleeps covered in newspaper. Chemistry boy vanished.

A fabulous end to the trip. 

Sarah and I then went to Dennys around one am.

That is my way of summing up my crazy life at this point. Details must be left out.

I hope you all are well.

Goodnight.

love.love.love.

Try to relax and slow my heartbeat.

I just got an e-mail today saying I got into the Shaw Leadership House at BC.  I sent in all the application requirements (essays, a picture, artwork...) the day it was due in the mail, before work. There are 20 Freshman, 9 of whom are girls, in the house. It is the only house available for freshman to stay in. It's pretty cool for the following reasons:

• it's an actual house. an old house in the middle of a quad between the dorms. it has a kitchen (the only kitchen any freshman housing has) and real bathrooms. The rooms are cool. There is a room upstairs for four girls which is really cool and roomy. I think other than that there are...two doubles? But they're all real rooms.
• we have a doorbell. That's right, when people want to come over they can ring the doorbell whenever.
• it's an actual house.
• the people who choose the incoming freshman purposefully choose people of all backgrounds and views, so i'll be with random interesting people.
• the only requirements are house meetings once a week (during which we sometimes have guest speakers, which excites me), and a community service project once a month (which I am totally more than fine with)

It's exciting.

I got tickets in the mail today. Tickets I bought a few days ago with Hannah to see Conor Oberst play in Santa Cruz on August 3rd. It'll be great because the two of us are also going to see The Faint on August 5th in San Francisco and we are making a trip of it. We'll stay in SC two nights and SF for another two. We'll get a tour from Michael, and we're going to go to the SFMOMA for sure because the first tuesday of every month it's free admission (SURPRISE THE 5th IS A TUESDAY). We want to stay in hostels but I did some research and it's actually just as cheap or cheaper for us to stay in a hotel... so we'll see. (But I think hostel would be more fun for us, we just need to research curfews and reservations.)

I've been working a lot. I opened up a savings account yesterday...which is good for me i guess.

I think Monday/Tuesday I am going to go to San Diego. Very last minute, I'll buy tickets tomorrow if it's happening. And when I say tickets I mean that I am going to take the train. It will be good thinking time on the way there and back, and good visiting time for the 25 hours that i spend there.

My dad got back from Ohio today after visiting his parents. He brought cool old possessions of his like a first edition of fear and loathing and some really awesome posters...including some off the wall Beatles posters. He also brought some other books like one full of beatles songs to play on the guitar with tabs i can figure out. :) I was actually going to play about an hour and a half ago but this lappy has been distracting me. Anywho. So that's all very exciting.

Chris and Drew are getting macbooks! i was just informed. Party. Jackie and I have been video chatting and sending funny videos lately, so this is good news for us.

That is mostly my life right now, aside from the occasional break down and depressing thought...

:D

love.love.love.

Summer In Brief.

Okay so:
1) I got a job. I am working at Giovanni's which is a fish market in Morro Bay. I'm working 35-40 hours a week. It sucks working during the day but I guess it is nice to have all the nights off. I just really need the money, for a myriad of things. I work with 4 or so people my age, which is nice, but I don't really get to talk to them much. Work today was especially un-enjoyable because I basically spent the whole day by myself (other people were working in the kitchen). I don't want to be the new girl who bitches about it, but it was quite lonely. I am also much quieter at work, which reminds me how if put in a new setting without people I know previously I can be a really introverted person. I guess college won't have to be like this, but it often makes me wonder who knows me really well. I guess Skyla since she's my best friend but I don't really know. I think Mitchell understands me, and I think Jimmy knows a lot about me...but I don't know. OKAY I AM AN EMO CHILD.

2)I am going to go see The Faint on August fifth. I think I'll go see Conor Oberst in Santa Cruz (on the third?). Ideally I'd like to go all the way up to Portland with Hannah (for sure since we bough our tickets together) and some friends. We'll have to see if getting time off of work is a strug or not.

3)I've had a ton of great times this summer. The first week I hung out with Sarah and Hannah ever day/night. We had some picnics, saw the Expendables, stayed up late talking, watched movies... humdeedum. I've lost track of it all but there have been great times. I basically go to bed around 3 am every night and then start work in the morning.

4)Hannah has inspired me to skateboard, I am stoked on it. We skateboarded a bit last night in her neighborhood and I really enjoy the simplicity of it.

5)I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled friday, and really not looking forward to it.

I am going to stop hear as Michael and I are talking with facebook chat and I am listening to his mix and I can't focus because I need to call Cameron in twelve minutes to wish him a happy birthday. He is on an amazing roadtrip with dov chris drew and john.

MKAY.
love.love.love.

A Myriad of Reflections.

We had graduation and mass rehearsal today. There was so much confusion about order and walking and sitting and standing and cues. I'm not sure that it was necessary. Tomorrow there is a bonfire where I will burn schoolwork-this will be a very nice thing to do. It's funny, I have some things from sophomore year to burn...

I alternate between feeling at peace with life, and feeling chaotic. I am always like this. I am at peace because I am really starting to get stoked about next year....and I have been having some really great times with friends these past few weeks-picnics and talks and movie nights and baseball games... I actually went job-hunting, which is a start to getting money this summer. There are a lot of things going right. On the other hand I feel chaotic because my family frustrates me and I still feel like a little child. It's cliche, but I often feel as though I'm never good enough. I'll get congratulated for this or that...but I keep expecting the congratulations to involve amnesty from early curfews, etc etc. I''m going to a great school next year, I've worked hard all of high school, and yet the night before my last classes, the night before my last test, the night before any day...i'll be asked "did you study?" Because if I didn't then I am told I may possibly fail. I just hate this constant pressure for everything. Of course if I point it out then the response is something to the effect of "we don't pressure you" or "no i didn't say that". It's frustrating when you are younger and not as likely to be believed.

I feel like I've grown in many ways ...but lately I've watched myself and asked "Is this me trying to be grown up? What am I trying to accomplish?" I guess that is the way things will always be. I'll never fully have things figured out.

I often look around at life and am amused by the roles humans play in it. When I think about humans, just another kind of animal, I find it interesting that they have come to advance in ways considered to be beyond any other animal. We have methods of quick transportation and this whole "system" with currencies and stores and regulations. It's just odd to me the way that worked out. The way humans live in such a complicated and crazy society they have built for themselves. It's just interesting to me...we are animals unlike any other somehow...
I feel I don't exactly get my point across in words as well as I do in my head.

I am also thinking about how I have to remember not to get my expectations up. People are so kind and for some reason it's often not good enough for me. I'm not sure why, but I think I always find myself expecting more.

Lately I have been going about random activities, when I will reflect on a person and his or her whereabouts. This happens will all people. Suddenly before I can stop myself I am telling myself a story of where the person is, often it is sad... and leaves me wanting to cry, afraid the person really is hurt or really did say this or that... it's not a very fun game, but I can't help but play it.

This was a crazy entry.

love.love.love.

A Reflection On High School And Its End

It's safe to say that high school is over. Tomorrow is my last day of classes and then we have senior day of recollection, yearbooks, royal day...etc. For the year being over, people at school aren't acting especially reminiscent (only irritated and impatient). Summer is basically upon us.

Overall I'd say I didnt like high school all that much. There were good times but I feel like I never really found what I was looking for. I made some amazing friends, its true. And I don't really regret having gone to Mission simply because that's where I went and it effected me and caused me to be the person that I am today-which is okay. I often felt like Mission was a fake world. Like people were out of touch with reality, sheltered, focused on petty things. That got frustrating. But it's okay because next year will be different.

This summer I want to: have a movie night at least once a week, go to the beach, go salsa dancing, go bowling, go to the drive-in, go on picnics, go stargazing, and have at least one road trip. . . and get a job. Do able.

I hope to get closer to finding what it is I am looking for.


lovelovelove

Exhausted (but feels incapable of changing it)

First-off: i'm going to the last orientation session afterall which is a huge money saver and relief.

Secondly:
I have four days of classes left (then some finals...but we don't count those half days). I've been absolutely exhausted lately and though its crazy I only have four days left, it isn't really making school any more bearable. I haven't had much work, but the work I do have I have been struggling to do. I don't want this to be about "senioritis" though.
I hope this summer is grand. And I don't want to expect too much, but I definitely have some basic expectations like seeing old friends again, picnics, star-gazing, dance parties, drive-in...etc. But I am also hoping that there will be some exciting aspect to the summer, some sort of surprise. Last summer was actually really great, so I wonder if this summer will beat it. I'll have to not think of it as a competition.
Nicole is in town, but I've only seen her briefly. I hope that this summer I see both her and Alyssa a great deal because I'm not ready for those friendships to end.
24-hr relay is this weekend. I feel like I should be more excited. I know it will be fun but I hope I don't get dumb and that I stay in a good mood the whole time- we shall see. Mitchell will be in town for it and that will be nice to hang out with him a bit.
I'm having trouble concentrating due to exhaustion... I think I expected more of this post but that's okay...I should go write in my journal.
I wonder if this will be my last post of senior year...
lovelovelove
claudia

100

This is my one-hundredth post.
I think I had been planning on making it especially lovely or cheerful, but I think it will be normal after all.
There are times when we get pissed at people...and I think it's important we remind ourselves maybe there's more to the story...maybe there's a reason we just don't understand. That's what I need to remind myself. Maybe there is a reason my friend didnt answer, maybe there is a reason the message wasn't replied to... and i always feel terrible when I get frustrated with my friends for those things and then later find out there was a ridiculously legit reason my friend didn't pick up or the message wasn't replied to. That leaves me feeling like an idiot for assuming I knew what was going on.
I only have eleven days of classes left. (That is to say, finals, senior day of recollection, and royal day do not count.) It's kind of odd because I feel like there is a lot we still have to do, and I really don't see how it will all be possible in the end. It's also odd knowing that after the year is over there will be a lot of people I won't see or talk to. I'll still talk to some classmates, but there are all those people I pass by in the hall each day, the people I smile at and think "boy i wish i talked to them"... and pretty soon I won't have that chance and I won't see those faces. That makes me a bit sad.
I guess there is a lot on my mind but I can never seem to pinpoint it when talking to people.
I've actually felt damn awkward with people these past two days, but I really feel that given the proper situation I would have a lot i need to talk about. I just don't really know who or when that is ...occuring.

Also, i need to get a job...and I haven't been looking because i'm an idiot. Similarly i didnt register for orientation in time and now we have to pay for a plane flight in the middle of summer, doubling the cost of orientation for my family. i feel stupid about that, really.

OKAY well i hope that people know i'm always here to talk to...i hope i'm not intimidating?


lovelovelove

My College Decision...

So I'm not really sure how this happened, but last night/today I somehow decided that I am going to Boston College. It was that or BU. I think I would love either, and I think BC will do just fine. Sarah Barry is going to BU which is nice because I'll know someone really close by and when I freak out and panic due to stress or what have you, I will call her and escape for a bit.
It's nice that I know where I am going, yeah. I'm still very tired and stressed because there is so much going on in life, but that is okay (I do not see that changing anytime soon).
Today was an odd day. I was only at 5/7 classes because we (interact board) went to Rotary's meeting and gave a presentation. After school I made up a quiz, then I went to linnaeas with cameron and john. I was in a bit of a weird, and probably awkward mood. Hopefully they will let it slide because we are friends and I get odd at times. I went back to linnaea's to hang out with saryls and caitlin, then took the bus home. The bus was nice because I read english and thought about life. I (still) really enjoy taking the city buses.

So I guess today was a big day. I hear people saying "Well it's just college...four years...whatever" and I like to play along...
things are going to start changing.

I Like To Pretend!

Music.
I love when a certain smell hits you and with it comes a stream of memories. Or even just an instant. The way one smell can bring you back to a table made from a door on your back porch a few summers ago. Or the way a store might suddenly cause you to remember the time when you created piles of leaves in the parking lot to jump into. Or how my bed on the floor might remind me of reading the harry potter book the summer when we still owned our old house and my aunt gave me the book with a ribbon around it; i stayed in bed late and it was bright outside.
I also like looking at pictures which I can say are part of a memory, or are "old". I wonder what makes a picture old. Freshman year? Yeah. Sophomore year? In some instances.
I like the pictures of myself as a child. I want to sit down and show them to people.

Sensual French Roasted Bean

I am sure there are a great deal of people who think I am a huge pessimist. They are wrong. The truth is that I am an extreme optimist and it is my optimism that gets me in situations like this.



I am thinking that the most dangerous thing I could do would be to speak my mind. Which is too bad because that sentence is something I would like to say I strongly am opposed to. Let's think about it though..
yup, it's true. It's true because I guess if I was them I would be annoyed with Claudia too. Which leaves me wondering what is okay for me to say or do. And that also bothers me that I think that because I do not usually think you should change who you are for someone else. (Does that still apply if you don't have a very good sense of who you are?) But maybe sometimes one needs to realize that they should change in some circumstances.
This is a vague explanation of what is really going on in my head, but I think I articulated it fairly well.

I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!

You know how there are people who fear rejection? I've never really considered myself one of those people. This afternoon however, I started wondering if I am just that. I do not know anymore.
My trip to Boston was good for a myriad of reasons, but I am now left feeling possibly more confused than ever before (in many aspects of my life). Today I felt easily irritated and frustrated with silly circumstances and things being said. Even things my friends would say I would jump at. Im stressing hardxcore all over again and freaking out about anything. The next few weeks: senior ditch day, the play, birthdays, prom, 24 hr relay, graduation. Good things? Yes. But right now those aren't helping. There is way too much going on and I can't handle it. I'm just freaking out and I feel like there are so many contradictions. It's gotten to the point where I don't even know what "be yourself" means. I don't know. Rambling.

love.love.love.

I Guess I've Always Needed To Be Needed By Someone

The rest of this school year is going to be bizarre. I'm not going to pin emotions to how i'm feeling right now... That doesn't mean i'm feeling numb, i think i'm just feeling a combination of many things. Different things happening at the same time. There are people who I want to be closer. I'll be driving and feel like I should stop by, then I realize they are not home, or it simply just does not make sense. I had a bit of a break down driving home tonight. I guess we were told that could happen. You know, the whole "it may hit some later than others" but I don't really know if that was it really. Thoughts were just overwhelming.
Hoorah for confusion!
It's hard to say too much without sounding insensitive.
Some great things are happening.

I Cannot Depend.

So I feel even more lost than before. We try and tell ourselves it is silly to worry about college, there are more important things, and while this is true...hearing back from colleges kind of IS a big deal. Especially when many of your friends get into the school of your first choice when you do not. I mean, I took college classes, two sciences this year, I went as far as AP Calc, always challenged myself, did extra curriculars and got involved in groups at school, played sports, did theatre, (thought I) got good test scores...and in the end it didn't matter. It didn't help. I feel I am supposed to get a lesson from this and I could put one in to words...but it would be very pessimistic.
So now I don't have any idea where I'll go...but I'm pretty sure I'll be going out of state. Part of me always wanted to do this...but there are reasons that I am "scared" to. I won't get homesick, but it would be nice to be closer to home. I want to know someone at my school, at least one person. I just don't know. I think this summer I will get a job out of state because I need to prove to myself that I am not dependent on certain things. I've spent far too much time trying for things that I didn't end up getting. It is not a very good feeling. I know I cannot blame myself for all of it...but blaming myself is a very easy thing to do.
Maybe I will make myself delicious pancakes. My mother comes back from Peru today...I'll see friends tonight...and I'll hang out with my bestie tomorrow.

love.love.love.

An Over Abundance of Blogs

I'm pretty tired about freaking out and worrying about things. Which is interesting because I don't even think I've been freaking out or worrying all that much. I am also tired of talking about things...kind of. It is hard to make such a generalization because there are times i really do want to talk about things. It's just that I don't want to have conversations because I'm obliged to...I only want real conversations, or silence. I also don't want to say fancy sentences all the time and come across as someone who's full of it...i'm not really full of anything. I'm just a person. I mean, a really fucking amazing person who is way above you...but ya know. I like seeing some of my friends who know that cuddling is affection between friends. Come cuddle me, it doesn't have to "mean" something. Too bad we're not all on the same page, oh well.

Going camping tomorrow. I'll be camping while everyone will be logging on to see if they got into berkeley. Hope they get in...but if I don't get in, i hope none of them get in and that we're all miserable together. Just kidding! Kind of! Not really!

love.love.love

I am not at that instance.

I feel like I finally am done with it. Sometimes I need to say vague sentences like that even though I know they will only make sense to me. I guess there are different ways to move on. Maybe I am choosing a more dramatic approach. It's probably only dramatic in my head. The more and more I talk about something I'm afraid of, the fear becomes less of a big deal and almost seems frivolous or made up. I don't know whats going to happen, which is perfectly normal because no one knows completely. No one. I do a pretty good job at analyzing myself...I guess that sounds unhealthy, but I think it's okay. Sometimes I let friends help me. It's a struggle because I feel like I want to explain everything right now, but I just can't. We can't explain everything. I guess in some rare instances it is safe to do so, but I am not at that instance.

Sickies and Spring Break Do Not Mix.

My break has been excellent so far...but I have the sickies. I've been ignoring them the past few days, but today I really do not feel well enough to drive around and see people. I'm all for people visiting me at home though, so maybe that will happen. Thursday I had a French party with friends after school (minimum day so we got out at 1) and we watched Amelie. Which was amazing, of course. Then I saw Mitchell downtown because he was in San Luis for an hour. And we exchanged stories. He gave me a box of goodies including a cd mix, the new postsecret book, a home-made wallet, polaroids... I met my family and then met Tara at the PAC where we saw a Flamenco show. Afterwards Tara and I went to Denny's and had sophisticated and deep conversations, as usual. Yesterday I hung out with Julia and then went with Hillary and her band (Little Nation) to a show in Lompoc. That was an adventure. So break is good. Spring break reminds me of Nicole and Alyssa when we spent a lot of break hanging out two years ago. Nicole is at ND right now, but I hope to be seeing Alyssa. So that has been my break.
I hear back from Berkeley in five days.
Life is pretty good right now. My maja is in Peru with students from her Spanish classes. I'll be expecting some postcards :)
love.love.love.

I'm Glad We Are Too

Well I got into Santa Cruz. I still have no idea where I'm going next year, but it is still nice to know I got in there. I haven't slept too much this weekend. Both friday and saturday have involved me going to bed at 3am or later. The weekend has been good, a lot of laughs.
I'm feeling alright lately. It's crazy to think that in two weeks I'll have heard back from all these colleges and will be deciding where I'll be the next four years. It's very up in the air right now. I also feel a bit confused about what it is I want. Not just with college, but with life. What am I looking for? What impression am I trying to give? I'm kind of just letting whatever happen, without forcing anything...and I guess that is working okay. I feel like I'm running out of time. Last night as I drove up to Paso I was thinking about how I want to do all these things in the next few months, because I won't be able to later. I want to get all this stuff done, now. I'm constantly meeting new people (which is a good thing) but friday night I was talking to a friend about how sometimes we feel we don't have time to meet NEW people because our time with the old friends is so limited. And I wonder to myself "should i be meeting all these new people?". Yeah, yeah I guess so. Just because that's what I do. Next year things will be very different. Best friends will stay best or good friends. Friends may become acquaintances. Acquaintances may disappear. This post is getting to be a downer, and it shouldn't be.
Maybe I'll cook myself some lunch now...then I'll finish up kite runner. . .

lovelovelove

Self Realizations?

This past week has been very odd to me because, as always, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And while maybe the situations might not be the happiest, the thinking is for the best.
I was going to continue to describe these realizations, but maybe it would be better if I reflect on them more?
I'm not sure what I'm trying to articulate exactly. Part of me wants to ramble on about all this shit, but I guess it's more of something I'd need to talk about with a friend one-on-one.
Thus far, this whole post is pointless.
The good thing is I see what's happening to me, so I can change it.
Because really, things ARE good.
We all have the right to get sad, even if our sadness may not compare to what someone else goes through. The fact of the matter is, if you're sad that's how you are, and that's okay.
Lately when I realize how little I talk about myself I feel frustrated. And the times when I have talked about myself have been good. There you go, there's a realization. So I've been talking about myself without being like "MRAR LISTEN TO ME!".


I don't have a good way to wrap this up,
other than....
i think i'm okay.
(kind of)
((for the most part))

love.love.love.

Sounds So Much Better In My Head (Everything)

Obviously when I'm cold I shiver at times. But I have this thing where if I'm not even that cold, if I'm scared or nervous or upset my body starts shaking violently. But I try to hide it so that people don't ask if I'm cold. One such technique to hide it is: rock in the chair so that is the only movement they see!
...



I went to bike night tonight.
I also ran out of gas on the freeway today.
And missed out on the best part of the best book sale of the year.

I also gave up on talking about anything relevant,
now I just share stories
and pessimistic sentences.


I give shitty advice because I say what I think would be right. I'm never right, I don't know anything! yay!


but I do know that I this spring break I'll see a friend in San Diego for a bit and stay with her. Maybe that'll be super sweet. Actually, it'll be awesome.

hate.hate.hate.
(love.love.love.)

It's Soft Edge Might Cut You

I thought I would take this time to attempt to describe my terrible mood. It's that feeling all over again where my body will feel sick when my head does. The only way I could properly breathe is to take full breaths, and that's hard to do. And I'm realizing a few things lately: I can't really talk about myself. When I do I either feel ridiculous, whiny, or what I say doesn't make sense outloud. Also (and I suppose I already knew this) the littlest things kill me and cause me to think in my head "i hate life i hate life i hate life". Also, once I'm feeling sad, even if I'm in a positive environment, any little thing will make me feel sad all over again.
And I'm regressing into immaturity.
It's hard when every sentence I say is contradicting itself in my head. Am I maturing? Yes, a lot. Am I regressing into immaturity? Yes. Do I give up and feel hopeless? Absolutely. But I also know that I could never fully give up. Do I think I am worthless and that I help nothing and no one? Yes, but I know that there are people I do help and people that do not think I am worthless at all. It's just that when I feel down it's really easy to make generalizations like "I feel hopeless".
I really like the idea of pretending everything is okay, and never explaining anything. But I also hate hearing two people act like there is nothing to say and acting like they don't know each other when they could be having a great conversation.
I really don't understand anything.
My first thought this morning "on a scale from 1-10 how terrible do i look? TEN!".

But in other news: Things could (always) be worse.


lovelovelove

I Should Have Saved It

(but i didnt. it's in my head though.)


it's funny, earlier today i was thinking about how i should have posted yesterday, because leap years don't come around too often, every four years to be exact.
so im currently in a very unhappy mood. and i get like this quite easily.
I'm not sure if I talk about what's important.
Sometimes I don't know what's important.
Or it just doesn't make sense out loud.

I haven't much liked high school. I guess a lot happened and we "learned stuff". I made some solid friends, I changed. But really? How much of it did I enjoy? Sure there were great times, with friends. Salsa dancing, bowling, movie nights, stargazing, sleepovers of all kinds, driving, concerts, exchanges, moving, farmers, thrifting, working, beaches, lakes, traveling. And yeah that adds up, and yeah I'll remember. But there were also these SHITTY times. To be expected right? Yeah I know. But Sophomore year? I could have done without. Mistakes. Junior year? Nothing-changes. Senior year? Friends away, totally different lives, longing, heartbreaks, downhill, change, change, change. IT'S PART OF THE PROCESS. fuck the process. that's how I feel right now. fuck the process. When this school year ends in three months I'll think "what a waste". What a waste for the things I started and never finished, for the half-assed attitudes and lack of effort, for the immaturity, the uncertainty, the talks about nothing that should have been about something, the trying to catch up, the failures to connect, and the times when things should have gotten better and didn't. Didn't.
And for all those times, I feel like this. God, I don't even know what "this" is. And no one can ever understand be fully, not just because I don't understand myself fully, but because I ramble about such bullshit no one knows what I'm talking about and I couldn't be real because what the fuck is real? Oh hi Claudia, lighten up.

But anyways,
things are lookin' great. In a few months I'll have moved on from all of this and nothing will mean anything. Total lie, but hey.
I don't really know what I'm talking about. I do, but only partly. I only partly know what I'm talking about, what does that say? It says that I'm just like a lot of you.
I left my boots in the bathroom.
And I haven't cried in two years.


(lovelovelove)

This is why I feel mixed up.

It's weird, but I feel so compelled to post. And at this point I don't expect anyone to remember I have this blog, or to check it. But here I am:


For a moment I wish I had burned it. A foolish thought. Overall I'm glad it's still around, even though the memories it holds aren't all the best. I had the urge to pick it up, and I sat on my bedroom floor. It didn't take long to look over, maybe fifteen or twenty minutes. Afterwards I sighed and my thought on the matter was "well, that was that". I set it back in a place slightly different than before, more in sight. I think I did this because I wanted someone to walk in, see it, and reflect.
I reached behind me and pulled the rolled up sleeping bag closer. I laid flat on my back and put my head on it. Arms folded, I looked up.
I stayed like that for weeks.

So Ambiguous.

I guess this doesn't really matter anymore, but I still feel a duty to post now and then. It's a bit sad that I know why my posts slowed.
My birthday is this weekend. People know, but I haven't been going around reminding people. It's just awkward to me to say "MY BIRTHDAY IS THIS WEEKEND!" because I don't want to be some attention whore. There are other things going on that hold just as much significance. I guess me being 18 is supposed to be a big deal. Part of me believes that. Parent signatures on forms won't be required now, I'll have a few more rights, and technically be an adult. I'll still be at home, still have rules, still won't be able to do everything. It'll just be a day, and hopefully an okay one.
My mother is going to Spain Sunday for about a week. I encouraged her to leave Friday or Saturday so that she would have the most time possible there, but she wants to be here for my birthday. Which is nice of her. I hope her trip goes well though....some tricky stuff back there. over there.
I've been staying pretty relaxed about school...I'll still stress out really easily...but things are okay.
Overall things are okay, they could be much worse for me.
Happy valentines day....
lovelovelove

Maybe You Are Right.

I can think of several things I'd rather do than the homework that was due today which everyone said took three or four hours.
There are two projects I need to work on.
One of which is in progress, the other I need to embark on.
There are three books I plan on reading this lent.
I need to type up cards for people.
I want to make packages and cds and arrange letters to put in the mail.



I was searching for a newspaper article of Chelsea Clinton, who I saw speak on Friday. My father saved it, but it has disappeared. In my loose pajamas I stepped outside on the deck to search the recycling bin. It was kind of cold but I made my mind get past that, and then it was just a breeze. The breeze ran through my clothes, and ruffled my shirt in the gentlest way. Everything felt smooth and soft.




My dad gave a really beautiful and philosophical speech today as he stood by the bookshelf that separates the dining room and kitchen. It gave me an idea. I'm following through already (in my head).
We can't all search for the happiness, find the happiness now, you'll find the happiness later.

Relapses

I haven't posted much, at all, this month.
I'm doing...okay...
I always come back to thinking about when people get to know me really well, and how I think that ends up hurting me. But then again, I'm a very easily hurt person. I guess that I just feel vulnerable when people know me well...but even when they do I feel like they barely know me at all. It's weird and somewhat pointless to explain. I also worry easily, about such things and where things are heading and if things are okay. Things are never fully okay, that's just realistic.


I'm sick right now. I relapsed into sickness. Coughing, two sneezes today, feeling faint and dizzy, headache. It happens.

lovelovelove.

Update Of Some Kind

Posts have been slowing...
Today Hayden and I wanted adventure. First we stood in the rain on the top of the fire escape, observing. That was good. But good enough? NO! So we went and got my car stuck in the mud. Because it was raining, and dirt parking lots become muddy in the rain. Cameron and John (in moccasins) came, still was stuck, so John was nice enough to help me by calling to get it towed. And towed it was.
To make a long story short: I went to a Matt Costa show at BooBoo's, and it was a grand time.
Upon arrival to mi casa, I cleaned my room (landlords come to check out ze house tomorrow).
I've had some really good days this month... (with some lame days of school mixed in).
I don't really have anything deep to say, but thought I would give an update of some kind. :)

lovelovelove

thirty dialogues bleed into one (so this is the new year)

I'm not sure exactly why I'm blogging...just thought i should. it's a new year now. (i guess)

I was observing how fake some people can be, and it just occured to me, "i wonder if i seem fake". i dont think i do but then again sometimes i get real quiet and maybe i seem fake then.

michigan is nice. at a thrift store today i bought a bunch of hats. and some sweaters that say michigan. our neighbor (here) said she always tried buying michigan sweatshirts for her kids, but they never wanted them. i told her if i lived here i probably wouldn't. just how in california i dont buy california apparel.