I am leaving very soon and a lot is going on in my mind.
First off let me point out that I think everyone is a lot more concerned for me than I am for myself. It's not the leaving that concerns me, and it's not the new place. It's not the distance or the fact that I won't be coming home soon. It's not any of that.
In fact, I think most of what would concern me right now has very little to do with the fact that in less than a week I will be far, far from here.
Lately I have been thinking to myself "are we all just using each other to get to the next best thing?". We all mean well at the time, but when we meet someone new, this new friend could in time replace the old. We just keep meeting more people and the majority of the old will drift away. I've always been okay with this, okay with knowing that I will lose contact with a lot of the people I am friends with now. I guess it is just weird for me to think about if I am truly close to someone, or if we are just friends right now because it fits the moment.
Periodically I have to remind myself that there are a lot of people I need to not waste so much time caring about. I know that sounds super insensitive, and I'm not one for being insensitive, but I feel like I get hurt pretty easily when I find myself expecting others to put as much into a relationship as I. It is when I feel completely independent from knowing them that I can feel totally okay about seeing them without feeling hurt by the imbalance in a friendship. I guess once people realize you are slipping or gone they start to re-evaluate what is important and if it really would be a friendship lost. I am just going to leave it at that and not bother to make more sense.
I think there are a lot of ideas that frighten me. Like the whole concept of vulnerability and knowing that by being vulnerable, one can easily be dropped. I feel like I used to make myself so vulnerable and now I am cautious because I feel that if I become too comfortable with someone else that things will just be lost and I will feel foolish for so quickly adapting to comfort.
This sounds like a lot of unhappy thoughts...I am not just a lot of unhappy thoughts, I assure you.
love.love.love.
Claudia.
1 comment:
Thought I would see if you still write here, and I'm pleased to see that you do!
You are going to have a brilliant time in Boston, I know it. I will miss you, but I will find solace in that you are going to bring trademark Christensen sunshine to New Englanders, and that this new chapter is going to find you unfolding and creating so many new experiences and bonds that will add so many beautiful nuances to your already beautiful self.
I am excited that so many new people are going to be able to affect and be affected by an amazing person, someone whom I had the pleasure to be close with for some precious frozen ambers in time, ones still on my shelf and taped on to walls.
Thank you for teaching me how to contain multitudes. Godspeed, Claudia.
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