Everything Must Belong Somewhere (I know that now, that's why i'm staying here.)

I am stressing out like crazy right now. You have no idea. I have three days to submit four applications. Also, I just find out that I'm not (even though I was positive I was) signed up for the SAT subject tests on Saturday. (fuck.me.)
(The weekend was amazing. Friday was already explained, but yesterday was great too. After the ACTS I went to lunch with friends, people at cars, coming back, watching stuff on youtube with friends, hang out with nathan and sydney, see nightmare before christmas in 3d with friends, sunshine. Today was alright too: wake up late, go get pumpkins, animals, maze, see skyla, lay on matress, kidnap our friend, trick-or-treat-so-others-can-eat (collect a lot of canned food for the food bank through our interact club), come home, lots of homework.)
So all of this weekend was good, till now. And now I am stressing out and am unsure of how I'll get this all done.
Also I get sad thinking about friends I'm losing as I watch them go on talking to other people not concerned with our slipping friendship.
Well anyways, wrote this for English:

To apply, or not to apply: that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler to go through dreadful hours

Asking acceptance to prestigious schools,

Or to venture onwards with no worries,

To live sans concern for the next four years.

To go to movies, to lay on the beach,

To relax: lose all stress that hath consumed me.

For it is in front of the computer,

Eyes glued to the screen, where agony grows.

Concerns of judgment from total strangers.

Admission officers who expect too much.

All of this can be avoided simply:

Denial of what must surely be done:

Ay, there’s the rub, for I’ve known all along:

Could I bear to miss out on exploration

Of a future of possibilities?

Is it not college that all of us seek?

For in this discovery our lives change.

Finding a perfect new home far away,

Escaping a sheltered life that I need not.

And won’t these dreadful hours of time felt wasted

Be well worth the trouble come acceptance?

For it is now that I’m given a chance

To receive education and knowledge

At a place where I will feel I belong.

And while I will stress of the time it takes

To get there, all will work out in the end.

For I cannot live only in the present

When the future may find me regretting

A missed chance to venture out in the world.

What I go through now, the stress and the time,

Will result in happiness all my life.

Sunsets and Dock-sits.

First thing first: i have a bad splinter. What if tomorrow on the ACTS (and yes i need to sleep) I can't write, eek.
Last night was a gorgeous full moon, you know how that goes...and I really wanted to write. I didnt because it got really late and i had to go and complete the act of slumbering. :) A lot was on my mind, though I couldn't really collect it. But I am writing now:
So my dear friend flies back tomorrow. Seeing friends together reminds me how great we all are together, and how happy I can be. It's so right. And I know things will be okay. I also got to see a lot of people tonight I haven't been able to see (some because theyre far away, others because they're just as stressed or lost as I am). But tonight we saw each other and laughed and made fires...oh what hor(ses) they are. Put me in a great mood. On the way home tonight I was singing in the car which resulted in me being in a ridiculous mood when I got home...I think I caught nathan and sydney off guard.
I guess overall this week was pretty good.
Things are about to get serious, what with applying and breakdowns and hesitation... but it'll all be over in a matter of ...months. It'll be fine.
And now I have to sleep for ze ACT tomorrow. I will do so well on that science section, just you watch! I love you all, and know that you can talk to me whenever. Don't hesitate, there is no need for awkward here.
I hope you are all okay.
lovelovelove

Three Keys Opening Up The Same Old Door

"Drool, what does that mean?" she asks seriously.
My sister answers with a demonstration.
haha.

Okay today was pretty damn good. (Minus the school factor.)
It got good when I went to Nicole's house, hugged her mom, sat on Nicole's bed. Then Skyla came and we came to my house for dinner.
And it was just really good. We told a lot of stories from classes, teased eachother, laughed a ton. Dillon came by surprise, and he sat with us. This is very vague, but basically it felt so right for the three of us to be together again, reminds me how much I love them.

Other than that:

• My parents are yelling at me, don't talk about it, i sure know i won't.
• I'm frustrated with not being able to tell what people are thinking. A normal frustration, I know. It just bothers me when I can't tell if I'm bothering people. Not in a "boo I want everyone to like me" kinda way, but in a "can you please be more direct with your point?" kinda way.
• Any little thing stresses me out. I feel like people have been noticing lately and saying "what's wrong" but the problem is I dont know what to tell them, I just get frustrated with myself and feel like I'm doing stupid things. Lately I say things like "oh don't mind me, i'm just an idiot" or other self-degrading statements. I used to not say things like this, and get frustrated when other people would say "you get this, but im stupid" because i knew they weren't. But lately I say these things so often, and I dont really think im trying to be funny or kidding... it's odd.

Well anyways.
This weekend is just full of excitement waiting to happen.
I love friends,
and I love you.
lovelovelove.

Take All Your Medicine

It's weird that there isn't anything im dying to say. It was hot today.
"did you say shit fuck?"
no, he said crap sausage.
close though right?

come home.
people are home. breakfast tomorrow. and such and such.
on the news i heard "mel gibson had to leave his house"
and instead of thinking about how terrible the fires were i thought "oh we saw his house!" (when we were at kairos). wow, go me?

dark is creeping me out lately more and more. me asking "do we have colored pencils" is me finding away for my faja to go in the garage and look for me so that i dont have to go by myself to get the watercolors (whose place in the garage i am well aware of). So hi, i'm twelve.
Don't you miss me then.
Don't you miss me when I go.

I ain't gonna fear no pain.
I ain't gonna fear no pain anymore.
Ain't nothin' worth that strain.

lovelovelove

What Can I Compare You To?

I'm not really sure what my mood is right now, is that too often the case?
Okay so I got tired fifth period/e period today suddenly, and my day was kinda "bleh" from there. I'll get rid of details, but things went up for about 45 minutes when i saw ONE OF MY BEST FRIENNNNNNNNNDS (plus or minus an N) who is in town for a week. Gave a huge hug, you have no idea how happy i was to see a friend who has been gone in Indiana for two months. Sat down and talked, it was amazing.
Tennis. It's crazy how the affects of the fires down near LA can be noticed all the way up here because the winds blow the smoke/ashes. Was smoky all day and coaches were told to take it easy during sport practices. Tennis ends next Thursday, which is ...yeah. I guess it'll be fine, i think i'll feel a lot of relief in regards to stress with school.
This week I'm really going to try and stay on top of schoolwork in order to have more free time.
Laura made a good dinner tonight, and we had yummy dessert.
There was something really funny that was said, and i forgot. sorry for that pointless "story". fuck, i wish i remembered what it was.
Kay im super lame so i'm going to go? er...
LOVELOVELOVE (you)

Santa Cruz

Well I figured I'd write seeing as how I'm on the computer and have the time to. I am currently in my friend's dorm room in santa cruz. it's cool...for lack of a better word? there are a lot of trees up where the classes/dorms are, and breathing feels nice. A lot of bus stops...a lot of people. It's cool to think about who they are, and wonder if (I were to be here) they would be someone I could be friends with. This reminds me of how much i want to go out and meet people, and how i will most likely love college.
Needed to get away from home though. Was feeling really stressed, and there was so much going on in everyone's lives it was hard to take it all in and handle stuff.
Also starting to feel stressed when i think about how i really need to start applying. GAH. I don't knowww...sure there are some schools i'll apply to, but there are all these schools where it's like "that could be cool..." but I haven't been there and they're far so i have no idea.
anyways.
KAY hope you are all having a good weekend
lovelovelove

Road Trip!

Just reminding you all that I am driving myself to Santa Cruz today! Dont know if I'll find time to blog, but yeah.
lovelovelove

You Are Not College Material

Okay. That's interesting that you say that...

Even when I'm on my best behavior, even when I'm just sitting there, I'm still doing something wrong, aren't I? I shouldn't have set my phone on the table, I guess that was just encouraging someone to pick it up and take it. Well finally I calmly got up and walked down to the bathroom. I ran the hot water, stood in the shower. Then I let the bath fill up as the water continued to pour down from the showerhead and i curled up in a ball. Last year my friend told me she does this, and how she fell asleep. It's pretty nice, just curled up with the water pouring over you as you close your eyes and steam adds a whole new dimension to breathing. Eventually I just layed there with a full bath tub, the water stopped. I couldn't decide if I liked my ears submerged so that all I could hear were muffled sounds, or if I liked to have my head above the water so that I could make out the voices upstairs.
You can call me immature all you want, really.
I was thinking this morning, about my people skills. I guess this started when I saw someone across the street, and chose to kept walking because this someone doesn't like me anyways. But then they called my name and I turned around and we talked. . . which was interesting. So then I walked away thinking about my people skills, wondering if they are bad. In person I am so awkward, I look down awkwardly and mix up my words and my thoughts. But here, or in writing, I love the way i communicate. So does that mean I have bad communication skills? Do I have bad communication skills if I can communicate in a letter in the mail, but not face to face when meeting someone new? I don't really know how I would answer that question if I was you.
My thoughts race so quickly, that I'm not even sure what my thoughts or feelings are. Right now, am I in a bad mood? Sure. Sure I am. But other than last night am I good? Yes, I'm great. Right? Because aren't things with friends splendid lately? (mostly)
I can picture your awkard face, your mouth scrunched up with one eye closed. I wish I saw this face more often. Not because I want to see you being awkward, that's not really what I mean.
One of my best friends is coming to town Sunday night. It'll be great, but I'm really worried I'm not going to have the time I want to see her. This is an ongoing problem.
So AM I lowering my standards? I don't even know. Actually, I don't think I am. Just try and guess what I'm talking about why dont ya? See how weird and confusing all of this is? That's what it's like in my head all the time(!). Glad you don't have to hear it? I like me best when I'm sitting and neither person feels the need to talk.
There are certain conversations that two people are supposed to have when they are meeting eachother. What is your opinion on this issue, what is your opinion on that? And I get so exhausted of going over the same things every time.
Well anyways. So yesterday wasn't too good, maybe today will be okay.
(The good parts of yesterday in brief: My sister's birthday, going to thriftstores with Kelsey (awesome jacket boughten. Book gotten (need to return the other to joshua). Random movie boughten.), Yup I guess that's it. )
Okay time to pick up car.
lovelovelove

I Like My Priorities, Thank-you

I was asked:
"Would you let me perform throat surgery on you?"
"No."
"Only one person has said yes so far."
"I...need to go...."

project project project. and maybe it seems like they drain me, but overall i really think its what is right.
So today has been crazy. Arguing in the morning. In the car and such. Stressed at school about my calc test. gave up during lunch because if I really was going to fail I figured it didn't matter anymore. Hugs made me happier, hugs are getting better. The test? Whatever...there were eight problems, I think I did well on the first four, we'll see about the others.
I think I finally got this weekend's plans in line. Tomorrow I may go to lunch with a friend, doctor appointment at 5. Let's figure out this back issue. Thursday will be here. Then I think I'll be going to Santa Cruz this weekend, which I'm super stoked about.
Argued with my mother for a while. We don't really see eye to eye. It kind of ruined my night actually. This arguing is why I ended up staying home tonight basically. Not really grounded so much as "FINE LEAVE!" which means "dont". I'm not really going to talk about the argument (about the not understanding, the "going behind backs", the effort, the lowering standards, the guilt trips) because I've already ranted about that tonight.
So despite today not being that great today, I talked to a lot of people. Many I don't talk to enough, like far off friends or people right near by who you don't talk to often.
anyways. im not liking this blog...
so I'll leave you with this:
"I like my men like I like my vinyls..."
(and go)
lovelovelove

What a Lovely Start to the Day (Yesterday)

I forgot to mention the best part of my day yesterday:
I love Nathan. I was sleeping and I can vaguely remember him coming in my room and giving me a little hug as he left in the morning and I slept. I remember waking briefly to smile and hug back as i lay wrapped under the covers.

Anything after that memory is insignificant now:
Well I had Chai this morning before school. School itself was pretty boring, everyone was tired and none of the teachers seem to know what to do with the awkward two days before our five day break. All of my classes are relatively okay, with the exception of calculus. It's frustrating because yes I can ask questions to peers or whoever, but they understand it...and when they try and explain the basic concepts i have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. To be honest, it makes me want to cry. Which makes me sound like a baby, yes I am aware. I just really don't understand and I feel like I need all this time that doesn't exist.
Tennis today was fine, but I was tired, and lazy. I really should have put more effort into it.
Had pasta tonight, I feel like that's all I eat and it makes me sick now.
Did a lot-ish of catching up in Calculus. Of couse, I'll still fail the test tomorrow. I told my mom that I dont know why i'm in this class and she said "I asked you last year if you wanted to take it and you said yes." To which I replied, "yeah well, i'm also an idiot [and shouldn't have said that]". So now she wants to set up a conference with the teacher, which in my humble opinion will do no good because I know I will hear nothing I don't already know.
Also I felt worried about people all day.
And then I also felt confused/frustrated by people who don't know how to explain themselves or express their true opinion of you. Always frustrating.

But tomorrow is basically friday. And after my test then life will be okay again, because it was before, and eventually I think it will be.
youwill.you?will.you?will.you?will. (return to me)
there are some ups.
!
goodnight
lovelovelove(!)

nothing is as pressing as the one who is pressing would like you to believe

My parents are watching Knocked Up right now.
I had a crazy weekend.
List style: sleep, across the universe, kelsey's, coffee night, gazebo, grocery store, late night chai with nate, sitting in my room, drive him home, compy, sleep, wake up, sit around, compy, get firewood, thomas picks up cd for nicolita, atascadero for a party, home, see cameron, linneas, chai, walk, hawthorne, home, compy, sleep, wake, clean room, eat, chai, downtown, buy presents, pictures developed, open studios, rudolphs, home, compy, dinner, homework.
I hope you followed that.
So despite all that amazingness, right now i feel stressed. I had no homework besides calculus, and i really dont know why im in that class, because im an idiot. and i had a huge argument with my parents after dinner about college visiting, it was really ridiculous and they kept repeating the same sentences and putting words in my mouth no matter how much i tried to explain myself. so then i went in my room and put on music and sat in the dark, because if the light was on i felt like someone would be able to tell i was pathetic (even though my door was locked so no one would have seen anyways). And I just felt really stressed.
My right shoulder blade is inflamed/hurts...that can't be good.
So I don't know. I'm still in a loving mood.
But I'm sure I looked cool this morning eating a bagel with my iced chai latte standing in the kitchen with the guitar hung around me. (even though I dont play guitar, really.)

Lean On Me?

Wow. I am in such a wonderful mood, and God knows why. Get it? GET IT? because I just got back from our senior retreat, Kairos.
Don't worry, I have not been converted, only made happy by the love everyone showed. In case you didn't know, our retreat was in Malibu. We left Monday from school, drove down in buses. On the bus I participated in many many many games of MASH (so i now know who i'm dating, marrying, and dying with), some stupid dot game...er...and yeah. But it was good. Got my room assignment, which worked out really well actually. It started out like all the retreats before it. Got to walk around and see mel gibson's house (not that i'm uber star struck about things like that, but it was relatively fun), took pictures, talked...thought.
I did a lot of thinking. Mostly people cried, a lot of crying. I really didn't cry as much as other people because i was too busy thinking. People go to these things and find themselves, i dont think that's how it was for me. I did not need to FIND myself, rather think about all the shit going on and sort it out. I'm pleased to say that now that I'm back, I'm happy as ever and feeling okay about everything. I feel confident about who I am, and reassured. THERE WAS SO MUCH LOVE. that's what finally did make me cry. When I saw everyone hugging and crying, I started crying. Because you could see that everyone cared so fucking much.
After every retreat we go back to school, and it's like things go back to normal, and this bothers us. But I think I figured something out: a lot of the people will go back to acting the same. But we're privaledged to have seen who they are beneath it all. People aren't always as open as they were this week, and I understand if the love seems like it's dying down because I know that it's all really there.
There are so many beautiful people in my class, it really makes me feel good about school (almost). I feel like next week (no school tomorrow) i might actually have new people to talk to. It was awesome how I talked to new people and became close with others really fast, stereotypes were erased, pasts were put aside. Everyone has such fucking crazy lives...and you would have no idea.
I can't really explain much of this to you, because like i've said time and time before, my thoughts are jumbled and such and such and such...
And anyways. . . I'm not sure that i've changed. . . but i feel in a very loving mood. And everyone hugged EVERYONE and everyone said goodnight to EVERYONE and people walked up to people to tell them how awesome they were. How great is that? Maybe some people still stuck with their groups, but every once in a while you would see people together in groups that you never expected to hang out.
Basically I feel very optimistic? or something...there is definetly tons to still be stressed about in the future, but right now it's okay. momentarily.
I HATE THE WORD BETWEEN "IS" AND "TONS".
spelling spelling spelling.
Tomorrow i will sleep in like crazy because i am currently running on very little thought.
WOAH! see right there? I meant "sleep" not "thought". go.me.
I love you all,
I really, truly do.
lovelovelove,
claudia

Have YOU Found Chai?

Another great day.
So I was a bit hurt in the morn when laura and her friends were watching tv set (finishing it) because they started it the night before and i had expected them to wake me up for it...So later i pointed out that they didn't wake me up and they said that they did...I had been so asleep that I "woke up" and explained how i was tired and such, and they had a full conversation with me that I dont even remember because i was kinda asleep. Which is funny, this has been known to happen to people.
I talked to my dear friend on the phone for maybe an hour, which was great because I didnt realize how much catching up we had to do. I'll be seeing her in about two weeks because she's coming to town, itll be fucking amazing.
Then I met simon downtown at 215. We looked at my dad's show at the art center, then he went and ate pizza at pizza solo. We sat and talked, and then walked and talked. We walked to Emerson Park and sat on a really good patch of grass for maybe two hours, just talking. So it was chill and really nice. Then we went to RUDOLPHS and i got a chai latte. Have YOU found Chai?
Then I met laura and sydney at linneas, where nathan joined us. There was an artists showcase there, kelsey came. It was weird to think that i'd been to the artists showcase the month before, but with slightly different people. It's just interesting is all. Actually I guess it was pretty much all the same people, mostly. And I got another chai latte.
Came back home with laura nate and sydney, and spent a while in laura's room playing guitar. Sydney taught me neon bible (arcade fire) and advisory committee (mirah). Both are simple songs but i'm pretty excited about it. I love the lyrics for neon bible. lovelovelove.
So they're still in laura's room playing, but I came up to the computer because I'm going to go to bed in a few minutes. I'm super tired.
Some really great times this weekend. Thank-you all.
Goodnight,
I won't be posting till either late thursday night or friday...so yeah. I'm mostly packed and all.
I'll tell you how it went, when I get back.
Love you.
lovelovelove.
claudia

Don't Deconstruct and Then Fill Me in.

This is me being UP. i feel a need to explain such things before i get started. Today was AMAZING and part of me doesn't even know why. It's like, nothing happened, but the most random and coolest things happened...kinda like Waiting for Godot, non?
Kay so SATS: I got there at 730, pretty impressive. But then the room we were put in (at 8) was two people over, so emily and i got kicked out and had to go back to get in another group...so we didnt start till 845...and we got out at 145. if you think about that: 730-2, is almost a full day of school. crazy. Luckily, I feel like i did considerably better this time than last, we'll see.
So then I realized that I didn't see the point in going home, and Christiana, Emily, and I went to coolcats, very good time.
Afterwards I didn't want to drive to AG, but didn't want to drive home, so i called and such....
Hayden picked up. Me: What are you doing? Him: Nothing. Me: Are you home? Him: Yeah. Me:Well what are you doing? Him: Hanging out. Me:By yourself? Him: Yeah...
So we decided to hang out. He would have to drive from AG, which was fine. I drove to Mitchell Park, parked, walked around. I walked to the library and he called to say he would be late, which was fine. So I just chilled on the free computer at the library. It's cool they have this free computer lab where people were watching movies, writing e-mails, looking random things up.
So then I headed to meet him in the gazebo, where we checked for (and found) signs of wax. But we had to GO somewhere. He wanted to go to the train station. We went the opposite way he wanted (that would still get us there). Once we were there he wanted to cross the bridge, so we did. We were then in the neighborhood by sinshimer, by terrace hill. We walked randomly through the neighborhood, ended up by French hospital, walked the opposite way of downtown on Johnson. We saw all this stuff that deserved to be captured with a camera, but alas, we did not have a disposable handy. So we walked and talked about basically everything, it was really good. And then Sabina came up (because we were near her house) so he said to call. This was about a 20 minute walk at this time (from her house). She answered, I didnt tell her who I was with, so we turned around back towards her house. I told Hayden at this point that her neighborhood confuses the hell out of me. Hers and the one off of foothill where bishop's peak is.
Luckily I vaguely knew where her street was, because i recognized a few others streets in the neighborhood that we walked by. So we got there, Hayden surprised her, and we took her dog on a walk. We wandered to Sinshimer park, past people playing frisbee golf, down the path that at night (from the end where the parking lot is) is illuminated by a mysterious light. We walked to the playground, and I looked at the place where I worked over the summer. And the weather was beautiful. So I said "it'd be really cool to go and sit on the pitchers mound, and just sit". Not the random field, but the main one, gated and all. So we crawled under (with some difficulty and pain). Tables ended up not being necessary, ha. Sabina's puppy stayed behind, barking a lot at first, but then accepting the fact that we were going to continue on our mission. So we found the way down to the field, and walked across the perfectly trimmed grass. And we went to the middle, and sat on the mound. Everything was so beautiful. It was just perfect and i felt HAPPY. The three of us talked for a while about random things, about life.
Eventually we headed back up, back under the gate, got the dog, began walking back. So hayden and i walked her back, back down the path, back past a new group of people playing frisbee golf. Sabina gave us a very fancy and complicated way of saying "turn right at the stop sign"...but we figured it out. i walked by familiar houses, but we (mostly me) decided it would be best to leave that for a more appropriate time...and we walked to the train tracks. We looked for shards of curled metal and railroad spikes. We walked on the track. Up ahead we saw someone in a building looking at us, someone working for the station. I didnt really care though, and we kept walking. When we got to the station we walked off of the track, and back to our cars at mitchell park. We then got in his super awesome father car and drove to kelsey's dad's house (difficult, she wasnt there) then to her mom's. She was in the shower so i took her guitar and played for her outside of the bathroom door. She thought it was her brother and she kept saying random shit. When she finished the shower she opened the door and THERE I WAS. So we went in her room and she pulled some clothes on (impressively fast) and we got in the car, taking advantage of the T-whatever aspect. Hard to breath but amazing. Taco bell real quick, i buy hayden dinner, atm, play. hayden payed which was very kind, i suppose this was because i bought him dinner. we sit on the floor.
PLAY WAS AMAZING. crazily amazing. And the thing is i dont even know. the play was kinda about nothing, but also about everything. i really want to see it again. And everyone in it was SO amazing, it wasl;g algjawoetjgb aJUST SO GOOD. i dont even know, i dont even know. but you all should have gone.
So i congratulated everyone, and was then ridiculously exhausted, so hayden drove me to ze car.
and life was just so great.
so i got home, and laura was in her room with friends. they have six movies. i opted out of excorsism of emily rose, opted out of the living dead (i think thats what it was), and hopefully they'll call me or wake me up in six or so hours if they watch tv set. As i walked away i heard laura whimpering and her friends trying to tell her that it wouldn't be that scary. itll scare the shit out of her. ha.
yethhh
anyways, it might not have sounded like a lot, but we walked everywhere today, and talked of everything. it was so great.
post/comment anonymously or not if you read this?
anyways.
love you all.
and tomorrow will be great too!
my dad's in the plein aire show at the art center, but im worried they take it down tomorrow. if you get the chance and its still up, you should DEFINETLY check it out. my maja says he one a prize, which is great. :)
i hate the word definitely. i spell it wrong every time
LOVELOVELOVE.

Did You Hear Me Claudia? (Yeah, Just A Second)

Today is my mom's birthday. Of course I didnt realize this till 11pm last night. . . So I don't have a present for her. But I dont know when I could have. That's a horrible excuse, really, but I do feel so busy. And it's not just one thing, but everything that is stressing me out. Apparently I can say this a thousand times and people will still try and pick one thing and act like that's it. Okay...
So I don't have a present for her, and i thought she understood...but then she got really upset.
Today was an okay day.
Someone had a miscarriage. I know this happens often, but I can only imagine what it'd be like. I feel worst maybe for when the daughter has to be told that the new sibling they expected won't be coming as soon as they thought.
Wanted to study calculus after school, but had a meeting with my advisor, then had tennis.
laura and sydney were here when i got home. they were playing guitar. i think its beautiful. incense and tea and candles.
went to bed at 1am last night because i was writing, so i think tonight i'll try and get to bed earlier.
i really love you all
and some of you i really appreciate.
thank-you for the hugs because you like them, the notes because you can, the advice because we try :)
night

It's Time To Separate The People From The Men Who Disregard Them

I'm in a shitty mood. I feel like I'm always in a shitty mood. And nothing you can do or say will help because I dont know what to tell you in response or to start. I'm tired of other people telling me what is good for me. To tell me there is never a relaxing evening because there is "always some goddamn crisis!" Well maybe the crisis is that I just can't relax! If you ask me how i am at school, i will probably always say "fine". If I say good I will be lying. That doesnt mean im BAD, it just means im fine and am incapable of being better than that.
No one reads this anymore, oh well.
Last night i fell asleep "watching baseball" (aka, resting my head in my hands and closing my eyes). And when I woke up I was way too tired to communicate or write. It bothers me that in my journal I only find long entries when I'm terribly upset about something, like a break up. My god I usually have things to say, why do I only say them then? It's like "i need to find time" but there is no time to be found.
I'm not quite sure why i'm in such a stressed mood now.
On the way back from tennis I slept in the car. Did english when I got home.
Then had dinner with family and some guy. I think that's when my evening went down. because i feel like it's rude to ask about an alcoholic dad. and because i am tired of teasing claudia for whatever reason. i also don't find it appropriate to yell at someone then act like you deserve to be treated with respect. i dont even care how cliche and teenager it sounds.
i think there are times when i could talk endlessly, but i suppress myself. how well will the person understand, how much energy do i have to talk?
At least at kairos i can ignore my life here for a while and not have class. we'll see how the retreat itself goes.
I will set it up with you, and we will get inside his head.
And the arms are crossed. And the stills must all come down.

what to do, what to do? It's like I just can't....can't what?
CANT WHAT?
i dont know who i need or what i need.
give me more time. please give me more time.

everything goes back to it,
and i can't bring myself about to -