Updates as Requested

So a girl said I should write a blog...and I'm assuming she meant on blogspot...so here it goes:
I am currently in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Let's do a recap: When arriving in Pheonix, AZ, we got on a plane to Chicago. However, before taken the pilot came on, laughed and said, "you know, kinda a funny situation, we have a loose screw, so we're gonna be just a few minutes getting that fixed". Well, the mysterious loose screw (how was it originally noticed, what was its importance?) took about an hour to fix before take-off. Thus, we landed late. Late with about 20 minutes before our plane to Grand Rapids would leave. (And we were in a different terminal.) The flight attendents let those needing to catch the 915 flight leave the plane first. We RAN. Now, first of all the chicago o'hare airport is one of the largest....around. (or something) We were in terminal E, and we needed to get to C3. We felt running would be faster than waiting in a long line for a shuttle. USUALLY you would hit E, then D, then C. But not at this airport. No. Here we ran through B before C. And when we reached C it started with C14 and worked backwards...so we ran to the farthest gate possible. We got there at 907. The plane was there...but they wouldnt let us go to the plane. Even though the plane was there, and not taking off anytime soon. Another girl headed towards grand rapids had ran along with us the whole time. So it was my family of four, and her, who were not let on the plane. We then were figuring out what to do. Rent a car and drive three hours to Grand Rapids, and take the girl (who was nice and safe and whatnot). Or get hotel vauchers, and catch the first flight out tomorrow. The dilema was that a lot of flights for Grand Rapids had already been cancelled for the next day due to weather, so we didnt know if we'd even be able to leave the next day. Finally, we chose to stay in the hotel. We didnt have our suitcases, but i just so happened to have my pjs in my backpack. Totally random. We hung out with the girl, shared stories about our lives, talked about colleges, music, etc. Talked about Sufjan Stevens on accounta him being from Michigan and such.
ANYWAYS. We woke up at 530 and left the hotel at 6. Our flight left at 8. That all went fine, our flight wasnt cancelled, but ones after ours were. I listened to "chicago" at the airport. We arrived in Michigan...snow snow snow. Beautiful. Food. Etc. Stood in snow, stomped in snow, looked up at snow. It's nice, I'm full.
So that's an update.
Tomorrow night we drive to our hometown after seeing our old neighbor play at a concert. Anways, the next few days will be good. (Yes i have three college apps to finish, shh.)
lovelovelove
Claudia

go listen to the beatles. now.

It's so nice knowing it's break. And I feel like things are going pretty well. Complications here and there, but that's okay. Friends are here, and it's lovely. I sense a lot of awesome memories in the next few weeks. And in ten days (omg omg omg, crazy soon) I'll be waking up as I did when I was a child, playing in snowdrifts, hot chocolate, catching up.

enlightenment

Do people that like certain bands sit at home and "study" the bands the way people study school? I'm not sure, but that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to start reading biographies and auto-biographies of all these different bands and artists. Some of them may make me sad that that the bands/people no longer put out new albums, but all-in-all i think it will be a great learning experience. I'm excited.
I'll just have to balance it with all the craziness that is break (college stuff, friends, michigan, christmas...). HI LIFE.
lovelovelove

"over it"

I feel as though I'm hostile when I blog... as in right now:
if you don't want my help, if you dont think im helping, then fuck you, fine. i dont have to fucking try to help. OKAY? so tell me to stop and CONGRATS i will.

see i've got this soul

i am lame. i would like to take this opportunity to apologize for all times ive been lame in the past, am lame now, and will be lame.
and i still feel a bit sick. i've still made little to no progress on my essay. and i'm still trying to do what i can. i'm so damn frustrated with what is out of my control (and somewhat in my control) that i don't know what else to say.
fight club tomorrow. college apps. interpol.

i really want to shout

i just never do.


i realized today, that I dont really talk about myself. Hear me out: I will readily discuss my concerns of my friends, chat about stress, meet new people...but I dont ever really talk about myself. If that makes sense. I don't talk about the things I'll write about. I noticed this when my friend said "what about you" and I started to talk about how I feel about life, and I had to stop because I felt like I was going to cry and like I couldn't talk. Maybe there are things I actually need to talk about, maybe I can't only help others, and ignore the fact that I'M breaking, or that I'M confused too.
Maybe I don't want to just talk about getting pulled over because the cop is bored, or the fact that I still have applications to do, or my busy schedule that limits plans... Not that I know where I'm supposed to start.

Content

These past few days I have felt really good about life. I just feel calm about everything. It's not that anything is GREAT it's just that things are going well. I'll go into it some other time maybe.
Currently: algjwoerwg. Why the sudden shift? Because of college stuff. I'm done with UC, pretty much done with CSU, and am now doing five other schools. (Oh, and I hear back from four tomorrow...) It's just stressful, the different envelopes and writing stuff and how to print it and what not. I mean, it's all pretty petty.
But really, other than that, I cannot complain.
This weekend has some things to look forward to (though I should start studying for finals soon) and though the next month will be crazy, I am not dreading too much. I've been thinking about things lately. Not necessarily anything in particular, but just random things. Like the way when you look straight up at the sky you can't find a point to end and focus on, because the sky keeps going. I've also just been thinking about people, about who they are, etc. In terms of who EYE am, well I'm okay with who I am currently. Sometimes the ways I've changed frustrates me, but I've come to accept the way things are now, and the fact that overall they're better.
A few odd habits lately, such as: When I see someone I know at school or walking down the street, I am often incapable of calling for his or her attention. Instead I'll just wave, and if they fail to see me, I'll keep walking (as if there was no other way to get their attention). It's odd.
Sorry about this blog, I just thought I should write something. Thoughts are a bit ...unrelated.
Goodnight!
Need to finish things for college before bed!
lovelovelove.

I.Hate.Thanksgiving.

(see title)

Even When I Don't Know What I'm Trying To Cure

Mac n' Cheese (is sure to be) a cure-all.
Yesterday I got to being a bit stressed. It's weird, i haven't been stressing as easily as I normally do. Granted, things have been on my mind and i've been emotional, but i haven't been freaking out about MY life. Last night though, I had a bunch of stuff to do. (ie: homework and a long scholarship application) I felt a bit stressed because I had no time and tons of things to do and didnt know what would be going on today, etc etc...but today turned out well.
The application was mailed, the graduation announcements were ordered, the theology IV test was taken...I came home, picked a "poem", changed, went with Laura and Sydney downtown. Scavenger hunt with people, then left to go to my school. Practice, feel nervous but okay. Coffee night. Hayden, Kelsey, and I were the second act, and I think it went well. So that was nice, and I'm glad that we went towards the beginning, worked really well. Not everyone that I wanted to go, could...but that's okay. It ended at ten which was a bummer, wish it could have gone a bit longer.
Tomorrow is going to be really hectic...but I'm hoping things could work out. I have plans with several different people, but we'll make it work. (Adventures and Concerts and Studying and Dinners)

Also, it has recently come to my attention (repeatedly) that maybe I do have some "issues" to work on. I guess issues isn't really the best word, but I don't like "problems" any more. And maybe you're right, maybe I should do something about it (and maybe I will).
Today turned out well,
I love you call,
and care about you all very much.
lovelovelove

What If You Never Feel Again?

Listening to Streetlight Manifesto, as instructed by Sean.

Yesterday was pretty alright. I went to waffle night with my friend because i hadn't seen him in a few days. It was cool because there was a large group of people there who I hadn't seen in a while...and though every week I was invited to go to waffle night, this was the first time I'd been able to go in maybe two months. So that was nice.

Now on to Of Montreal.

Today was just kinda blah. I mean to say that I feel like nothing really positive happened. I did, however, play ping pong in the chemistry room during theology 4 class with two friends. So that was pretty sweet because I think people forget she has a ping pong table in the back room. Other than that though, the day was just really lame. And I just feel pretty nothing right now. I dont really want to complain about random shit because the theme in my life right now is that there are so many things worse.

My parents watched Sicko tonight. I saw it over the summer, and sat down to watch the last 45 minutes. I thought I heard my dad sniffling, and i cant recall anytime i've ever seen my dad cry. Which is weird to me. Also reading Brave New World, and it makes me feel like the future is just bad. I know I'll try and make society better, but I can't help to feel as though it's doomed. Because this country is just too selfish and blind. And aren't we going to end up like a 1984 or Brave New World society? Where everything is controlled? I dont know how it will work any other way and it depresses me.
I just feel really exhausted today.
Stupid paper today in physics, didn't catch on fire like it was supposed to.


"I chose to feel it and you couldnt choose"

I'm only four sections behind in calculus.
...
lovelovelove

Alaska and Hawaii are not in the Gulf of Mexico

I always have tons of things I want to say, but when I sit down to right them I have trouble recalling it all. Basically...i just feel really anxious and can't focus. Everything reminds me of the same thing, i dont have much of an appetite, and i'm worried. Do you ever wonder what will happen if nothing works out? It's a concern... But let's talk about why people want to be alive:
Maybe one thing is the sunset that we drive by on the way home, over the bay. The gorgeous colors and amazing clouds. Or the music (even if right now it's all telling me the same thing, and all causing me to keep thinking of what we're all trying to deal with). Friends. Because as much as you may think you're alone, they are there and they do care.
I know these next few weeks are going to be hard to focus, especially with college stuff on top. But really things are going to be so much better with tennis over. Yesterday I was exhausted, fell asleep on the drive home, walked through the garage to my room, put on my pjs and crawled in bed. I fell asleep to the new pornographers and woke up on track six of a marvelous mix my friend made me, two hours later. Initially I was confused, had i only been sleeping for six songs? No, i'd slept through a whole cd. It felt amazing.
I need things like this.
Life is hard. There are things that people try and deal with, and you have no idea. Don't always think you KNOW how the other person feels, but do try and work through things together and talk about something.
I just ate a piece of pizza...um. didn't really want to.
Now I am to watch movies with friends. I guess I need that?
I love you all. I can love you even if I've only known you a few months, trust me.
<3
lovelovelove.

Its Not About How EYE Am

Breathing is kinda hard right now, and I'm not really sure how to explain it more than that.
Right now I have been holding a heart I shaped out of purple play dough. Earlier I also wrapped it around my cow as a blanket, and afterwards as a head piece. I think it just made him colder though.
Me attempting to explain these past two days:
Yesterday started out pretty good for a Monday. With tennis over I feel less stressed. When I got home I called nathan to meet him at the school, because a while earlier he had called me to show me a new way to experience swings at the park. So we both left to meet there. Walking up I had a normal expression, until I saw him standing on top of the slide, at which point a giant smile spread across my face. And we swung and we walked and we talked and it was good. Beautiful time of day, beautiful places. So my monday was feeling solid at that point, until night came around...

In the morning I looked like shit. I got to school, cried, went to classes, took a physics test. Walked around after school. On the way home I called nate (who was sitting behind me, but I though I should call) to see if he wanted to hang out. We sat in my room and we talked and it was really good and much needed. It was just...really real, and honest, and serious but good.
I drove him home, and took my sister to pick up film.
I don't know. (of course)
I wasnt really hungry all day. Had some of my cereal this morning, a banana, yogurt, some cookie, some lasagna... i just had no appetite. As I ate my lasagna I had to force it down because I felt like I was going to throw it all up.

lyricslyricslyrics.
you know how i feel? helpless. I'm just worried that what I do won't change things, and that things are almost predetermined. It's a horrid feeling. I still don't plan on giving up though. I can't let myself.
At dinner i was talking to my dad about nuclear weapons when all of a sudden i stopped mid-sentence, then continued saying "sorry i thought the stove top had a place for a tetris piece"...
and well anyways.
there isn't much i can say right now....

Take it easy (love nothing)

Okay wow so this weekend has been...I dont even know. Parts of it I only vaguely recall...friends, football game, uptown, staying up till 4 am and waking at 2 pm...picnic in the dark on the roof of my middle school, homecoming dance, denny's, friend's house, drive home at 130am, sleep at 330am (230am on new time)...wake up at 1130am(new time), rush to tennis party, come home, go see darjeeling limited with kyle, bump into sydney and nate in theatre.
Movie was good, yeah. I want to go to India (still).
After the movie I was driving when I realized nate and sydney might need a ride, so i called them and gave them one. Once in morro bay, nate said he wanted to drive, so i pulled over. big mistake. nathan cannot drive... So i took over again, and took them both home.
Now for the actual blog:
First of all, i've been thinking in tetris: hardxcore. I keep seeing tetris shapes and trying to make them all fit. Even words in my planner are shapes that i automatically think I need to flip to fit into the word next to it. It's...crazy. And really distracting. Really distracting.
So I guess I started feeling weird a bit before dinner. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself, and suddenly I was in my room in front of my halloween candy. (In michigan, our neighbors new us so well my sister and i would get candy bags with our names on them from the neighbors.) So i ate some random candy, then walked upstairs because dinner was ready. I'm still not too into tofu...but i ate some. and then i just sat there. I was supposed to do the dishes, but i suddenly felt really anxious, and i couldnt do the dishes. when my mom said "why can't you do the dishes?" i could only say "i dont know...i can't". It sounded ridiculous, but i felt like i couldn't move. Eventually I started but suddenly I couldn't handle it. I went and stood in the bathroom, not knowing what to do, so I jumped in the shower. Afterwards I stood, still not knowing what to do, so I went in my room to start homework. I was trying to focus on English, when my dad came in. After he left I just broke down because I didnt know what was going on. I'm not really sure how I feel right now. Eventually I did calculus for about an hour...which took my mind off everything, so now I feel normal again.
Maybe I need to take things easy.

The weekend really was good though, really good.
(i dont really know anything anymore, just some random sentences i phrase together.)

Sorry to be Heavy, but Heavy is the Cost

I've been so fucking busy. That is why I haven't written. To be honest, I don't really have the time to be writing right now. To summarize the last few days: Frantically apply to four schools and panic because envelopes are stupid, I have no time, nothing makes sense, writing essays, being ridiculously confused (that has taken up the majority of my time).
Then there's tennis: Tuesday we won a CIF match against fresno christian, which was awesome. Then today we drove to bakersfield to play. We got out of class at 930 (suh-weet), drove, (its so ugly...why do people live there?), was bummed that I wouldnt be seeing mitchell after all (itd be nice for best friends to live closer, eh?), we lost 3-6, got really upset, and such and such. i dont really want to talk about it because im a baby. (but if i were to talk about it i'd mention really wanting to end on a good note on accounta playing tennis all four years and never having won cif...this was the finals). Went to dinner, drove back. Didn't get home until 1045 which brings me to my next point:
school. Studied for a gvt test which i have first period tomorrow. school school school. i was doing pretty good with keeping up with calc, but this past week the whole applying by friday situation has left me no time. Other classes are okay...even though i feel like i've missed a lot for tennnis and such.
frustration. With people. Im not flipping out as much right now but was a night or two ago, and wanted to write but really had no time. I just don't understand people-straight up. It's hard to trust people because there is no way to know if their words are good. You think that things are okay or that things are SUPPOSED to be okay, but then find out that no one cares how things turn out, and people think itll be better to just not. NOT WHAT? whatthefuck.
busy weekend coming up. Homecoming game tomorrow. The field is gorgeous...im not one to be school-spirited, but i'm still excited. also to see an old friend again. then the dance is saturday...and i guess im going to go even though i'm rather un-interested. as my friend pointed out, all year the reason to do things will be "but it's the last time you can do this!" or "it's you're senior year, you have to!" etc etc.
anyways. thats my life summed up, and believe me i could go on and on.
i think after this weekend i'll feel a lot less stressed, because this week has been crazy.
(oh, and halloween was alright. we had tennis practice, then went trick or treating, michelle's briefly, go see a haunted house robin and nick worked on, h/w etc etc)

so yeah. i'm okay though. you know me. (probably not but whatever. actually, its more likely you think you know me and are assuming i'm someone stuck in the past. and im not. or you think i'm weird and just fucking random, because i dont explain my thoughts to you. or maybe you're afraid of saying the wrong thing, but then again, so am i.)
alright ive got to sleep,
aka: stress and write and go to sleep late, yet again.
but love you mostly, and i like where some things are heading.
can you believe this is a summary? so long. lame.
lovelovelove

Everything Must Belong Somewhere (I know that now, that's why i'm staying here.)

I am stressing out like crazy right now. You have no idea. I have three days to submit four applications. Also, I just find out that I'm not (even though I was positive I was) signed up for the SAT subject tests on Saturday. (fuck.me.)
(The weekend was amazing. Friday was already explained, but yesterday was great too. After the ACTS I went to lunch with friends, people at cars, coming back, watching stuff on youtube with friends, hang out with nathan and sydney, see nightmare before christmas in 3d with friends, sunshine. Today was alright too: wake up late, go get pumpkins, animals, maze, see skyla, lay on matress, kidnap our friend, trick-or-treat-so-others-can-eat (collect a lot of canned food for the food bank through our interact club), come home, lots of homework.)
So all of this weekend was good, till now. And now I am stressing out and am unsure of how I'll get this all done.
Also I get sad thinking about friends I'm losing as I watch them go on talking to other people not concerned with our slipping friendship.
Well anyways, wrote this for English:

To apply, or not to apply: that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler to go through dreadful hours

Asking acceptance to prestigious schools,

Or to venture onwards with no worries,

To live sans concern for the next four years.

To go to movies, to lay on the beach,

To relax: lose all stress that hath consumed me.

For it is in front of the computer,

Eyes glued to the screen, where agony grows.

Concerns of judgment from total strangers.

Admission officers who expect too much.

All of this can be avoided simply:

Denial of what must surely be done:

Ay, there’s the rub, for I’ve known all along:

Could I bear to miss out on exploration

Of a future of possibilities?

Is it not college that all of us seek?

For in this discovery our lives change.

Finding a perfect new home far away,

Escaping a sheltered life that I need not.

And won’t these dreadful hours of time felt wasted

Be well worth the trouble come acceptance?

For it is now that I’m given a chance

To receive education and knowledge

At a place where I will feel I belong.

And while I will stress of the time it takes

To get there, all will work out in the end.

For I cannot live only in the present

When the future may find me regretting

A missed chance to venture out in the world.

What I go through now, the stress and the time,

Will result in happiness all my life.

Sunsets and Dock-sits.

First thing first: i have a bad splinter. What if tomorrow on the ACTS (and yes i need to sleep) I can't write, eek.
Last night was a gorgeous full moon, you know how that goes...and I really wanted to write. I didnt because it got really late and i had to go and complete the act of slumbering. :) A lot was on my mind, though I couldn't really collect it. But I am writing now:
So my dear friend flies back tomorrow. Seeing friends together reminds me how great we all are together, and how happy I can be. It's so right. And I know things will be okay. I also got to see a lot of people tonight I haven't been able to see (some because theyre far away, others because they're just as stressed or lost as I am). But tonight we saw each other and laughed and made fires...oh what hor(ses) they are. Put me in a great mood. On the way home tonight I was singing in the car which resulted in me being in a ridiculous mood when I got home...I think I caught nathan and sydney off guard.
I guess overall this week was pretty good.
Things are about to get serious, what with applying and breakdowns and hesitation... but it'll all be over in a matter of ...months. It'll be fine.
And now I have to sleep for ze ACT tomorrow. I will do so well on that science section, just you watch! I love you all, and know that you can talk to me whenever. Don't hesitate, there is no need for awkward here.
I hope you are all okay.
lovelovelove

Three Keys Opening Up The Same Old Door

"Drool, what does that mean?" she asks seriously.
My sister answers with a demonstration.
haha.

Okay today was pretty damn good. (Minus the school factor.)
It got good when I went to Nicole's house, hugged her mom, sat on Nicole's bed. Then Skyla came and we came to my house for dinner.
And it was just really good. We told a lot of stories from classes, teased eachother, laughed a ton. Dillon came by surprise, and he sat with us. This is very vague, but basically it felt so right for the three of us to be together again, reminds me how much I love them.

Other than that:

• My parents are yelling at me, don't talk about it, i sure know i won't.
• I'm frustrated with not being able to tell what people are thinking. A normal frustration, I know. It just bothers me when I can't tell if I'm bothering people. Not in a "boo I want everyone to like me" kinda way, but in a "can you please be more direct with your point?" kinda way.
• Any little thing stresses me out. I feel like people have been noticing lately and saying "what's wrong" but the problem is I dont know what to tell them, I just get frustrated with myself and feel like I'm doing stupid things. Lately I say things like "oh don't mind me, i'm just an idiot" or other self-degrading statements. I used to not say things like this, and get frustrated when other people would say "you get this, but im stupid" because i knew they weren't. But lately I say these things so often, and I dont really think im trying to be funny or kidding... it's odd.

Well anyways.
This weekend is just full of excitement waiting to happen.
I love friends,
and I love you.
lovelovelove.

Take All Your Medicine

It's weird that there isn't anything im dying to say. It was hot today.
"did you say shit fuck?"
no, he said crap sausage.
close though right?

come home.
people are home. breakfast tomorrow. and such and such.
on the news i heard "mel gibson had to leave his house"
and instead of thinking about how terrible the fires were i thought "oh we saw his house!" (when we were at kairos). wow, go me?

dark is creeping me out lately more and more. me asking "do we have colored pencils" is me finding away for my faja to go in the garage and look for me so that i dont have to go by myself to get the watercolors (whose place in the garage i am well aware of). So hi, i'm twelve.
Don't you miss me then.
Don't you miss me when I go.

I ain't gonna fear no pain.
I ain't gonna fear no pain anymore.
Ain't nothin' worth that strain.

lovelovelove

What Can I Compare You To?

I'm not really sure what my mood is right now, is that too often the case?
Okay so I got tired fifth period/e period today suddenly, and my day was kinda "bleh" from there. I'll get rid of details, but things went up for about 45 minutes when i saw ONE OF MY BEST FRIENNNNNNNNNDS (plus or minus an N) who is in town for a week. Gave a huge hug, you have no idea how happy i was to see a friend who has been gone in Indiana for two months. Sat down and talked, it was amazing.
Tennis. It's crazy how the affects of the fires down near LA can be noticed all the way up here because the winds blow the smoke/ashes. Was smoky all day and coaches were told to take it easy during sport practices. Tennis ends next Thursday, which is ...yeah. I guess it'll be fine, i think i'll feel a lot of relief in regards to stress with school.
This week I'm really going to try and stay on top of schoolwork in order to have more free time.
Laura made a good dinner tonight, and we had yummy dessert.
There was something really funny that was said, and i forgot. sorry for that pointless "story". fuck, i wish i remembered what it was.
Kay im super lame so i'm going to go? er...
LOVELOVELOVE (you)

Santa Cruz

Well I figured I'd write seeing as how I'm on the computer and have the time to. I am currently in my friend's dorm room in santa cruz. it's cool...for lack of a better word? there are a lot of trees up where the classes/dorms are, and breathing feels nice. A lot of bus stops...a lot of people. It's cool to think about who they are, and wonder if (I were to be here) they would be someone I could be friends with. This reminds me of how much i want to go out and meet people, and how i will most likely love college.
Needed to get away from home though. Was feeling really stressed, and there was so much going on in everyone's lives it was hard to take it all in and handle stuff.
Also starting to feel stressed when i think about how i really need to start applying. GAH. I don't knowww...sure there are some schools i'll apply to, but there are all these schools where it's like "that could be cool..." but I haven't been there and they're far so i have no idea.
anyways.
KAY hope you are all having a good weekend
lovelovelove

Road Trip!

Just reminding you all that I am driving myself to Santa Cruz today! Dont know if I'll find time to blog, but yeah.
lovelovelove

You Are Not College Material

Okay. That's interesting that you say that...

Even when I'm on my best behavior, even when I'm just sitting there, I'm still doing something wrong, aren't I? I shouldn't have set my phone on the table, I guess that was just encouraging someone to pick it up and take it. Well finally I calmly got up and walked down to the bathroom. I ran the hot water, stood in the shower. Then I let the bath fill up as the water continued to pour down from the showerhead and i curled up in a ball. Last year my friend told me she does this, and how she fell asleep. It's pretty nice, just curled up with the water pouring over you as you close your eyes and steam adds a whole new dimension to breathing. Eventually I just layed there with a full bath tub, the water stopped. I couldn't decide if I liked my ears submerged so that all I could hear were muffled sounds, or if I liked to have my head above the water so that I could make out the voices upstairs.
You can call me immature all you want, really.
I was thinking this morning, about my people skills. I guess this started when I saw someone across the street, and chose to kept walking because this someone doesn't like me anyways. But then they called my name and I turned around and we talked. . . which was interesting. So then I walked away thinking about my people skills, wondering if they are bad. In person I am so awkward, I look down awkwardly and mix up my words and my thoughts. But here, or in writing, I love the way i communicate. So does that mean I have bad communication skills? Do I have bad communication skills if I can communicate in a letter in the mail, but not face to face when meeting someone new? I don't really know how I would answer that question if I was you.
My thoughts race so quickly, that I'm not even sure what my thoughts or feelings are. Right now, am I in a bad mood? Sure. Sure I am. But other than last night am I good? Yes, I'm great. Right? Because aren't things with friends splendid lately? (mostly)
I can picture your awkard face, your mouth scrunched up with one eye closed. I wish I saw this face more often. Not because I want to see you being awkward, that's not really what I mean.
One of my best friends is coming to town Sunday night. It'll be great, but I'm really worried I'm not going to have the time I want to see her. This is an ongoing problem.
So AM I lowering my standards? I don't even know. Actually, I don't think I am. Just try and guess what I'm talking about why dont ya? See how weird and confusing all of this is? That's what it's like in my head all the time(!). Glad you don't have to hear it? I like me best when I'm sitting and neither person feels the need to talk.
There are certain conversations that two people are supposed to have when they are meeting eachother. What is your opinion on this issue, what is your opinion on that? And I get so exhausted of going over the same things every time.
Well anyways. So yesterday wasn't too good, maybe today will be okay.
(The good parts of yesterday in brief: My sister's birthday, going to thriftstores with Kelsey (awesome jacket boughten. Book gotten (need to return the other to joshua). Random movie boughten.), Yup I guess that's it. )
Okay time to pick up car.
lovelovelove

I Like My Priorities, Thank-you

I was asked:
"Would you let me perform throat surgery on you?"
"No."
"Only one person has said yes so far."
"I...need to go...."

project project project. and maybe it seems like they drain me, but overall i really think its what is right.
So today has been crazy. Arguing in the morning. In the car and such. Stressed at school about my calc test. gave up during lunch because if I really was going to fail I figured it didn't matter anymore. Hugs made me happier, hugs are getting better. The test? Whatever...there were eight problems, I think I did well on the first four, we'll see about the others.
I think I finally got this weekend's plans in line. Tomorrow I may go to lunch with a friend, doctor appointment at 5. Let's figure out this back issue. Thursday will be here. Then I think I'll be going to Santa Cruz this weekend, which I'm super stoked about.
Argued with my mother for a while. We don't really see eye to eye. It kind of ruined my night actually. This arguing is why I ended up staying home tonight basically. Not really grounded so much as "FINE LEAVE!" which means "dont". I'm not really going to talk about the argument (about the not understanding, the "going behind backs", the effort, the lowering standards, the guilt trips) because I've already ranted about that tonight.
So despite today not being that great today, I talked to a lot of people. Many I don't talk to enough, like far off friends or people right near by who you don't talk to often.
anyways. im not liking this blog...
so I'll leave you with this:
"I like my men like I like my vinyls..."
(and go)
lovelovelove

What a Lovely Start to the Day (Yesterday)

I forgot to mention the best part of my day yesterday:
I love Nathan. I was sleeping and I can vaguely remember him coming in my room and giving me a little hug as he left in the morning and I slept. I remember waking briefly to smile and hug back as i lay wrapped under the covers.

Anything after that memory is insignificant now:
Well I had Chai this morning before school. School itself was pretty boring, everyone was tired and none of the teachers seem to know what to do with the awkward two days before our five day break. All of my classes are relatively okay, with the exception of calculus. It's frustrating because yes I can ask questions to peers or whoever, but they understand it...and when they try and explain the basic concepts i have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. To be honest, it makes me want to cry. Which makes me sound like a baby, yes I am aware. I just really don't understand and I feel like I need all this time that doesn't exist.
Tennis today was fine, but I was tired, and lazy. I really should have put more effort into it.
Had pasta tonight, I feel like that's all I eat and it makes me sick now.
Did a lot-ish of catching up in Calculus. Of couse, I'll still fail the test tomorrow. I told my mom that I dont know why i'm in this class and she said "I asked you last year if you wanted to take it and you said yes." To which I replied, "yeah well, i'm also an idiot [and shouldn't have said that]". So now she wants to set up a conference with the teacher, which in my humble opinion will do no good because I know I will hear nothing I don't already know.
Also I felt worried about people all day.
And then I also felt confused/frustrated by people who don't know how to explain themselves or express their true opinion of you. Always frustrating.

But tomorrow is basically friday. And after my test then life will be okay again, because it was before, and eventually I think it will be.
youwill.you?will.you?will.you?will. (return to me)
there are some ups.
!
goodnight
lovelovelove(!)

nothing is as pressing as the one who is pressing would like you to believe

My parents are watching Knocked Up right now.
I had a crazy weekend.
List style: sleep, across the universe, kelsey's, coffee night, gazebo, grocery store, late night chai with nate, sitting in my room, drive him home, compy, sleep, wake up, sit around, compy, get firewood, thomas picks up cd for nicolita, atascadero for a party, home, see cameron, linneas, chai, walk, hawthorne, home, compy, sleep, wake, clean room, eat, chai, downtown, buy presents, pictures developed, open studios, rudolphs, home, compy, dinner, homework.
I hope you followed that.
So despite all that amazingness, right now i feel stressed. I had no homework besides calculus, and i really dont know why im in that class, because im an idiot. and i had a huge argument with my parents after dinner about college visiting, it was really ridiculous and they kept repeating the same sentences and putting words in my mouth no matter how much i tried to explain myself. so then i went in my room and put on music and sat in the dark, because if the light was on i felt like someone would be able to tell i was pathetic (even though my door was locked so no one would have seen anyways). And I just felt really stressed.
My right shoulder blade is inflamed/hurts...that can't be good.
So I don't know. I'm still in a loving mood.
But I'm sure I looked cool this morning eating a bagel with my iced chai latte standing in the kitchen with the guitar hung around me. (even though I dont play guitar, really.)

Lean On Me?

Wow. I am in such a wonderful mood, and God knows why. Get it? GET IT? because I just got back from our senior retreat, Kairos.
Don't worry, I have not been converted, only made happy by the love everyone showed. In case you didn't know, our retreat was in Malibu. We left Monday from school, drove down in buses. On the bus I participated in many many many games of MASH (so i now know who i'm dating, marrying, and dying with), some stupid dot game...er...and yeah. But it was good. Got my room assignment, which worked out really well actually. It started out like all the retreats before it. Got to walk around and see mel gibson's house (not that i'm uber star struck about things like that, but it was relatively fun), took pictures, talked...thought.
I did a lot of thinking. Mostly people cried, a lot of crying. I really didn't cry as much as other people because i was too busy thinking. People go to these things and find themselves, i dont think that's how it was for me. I did not need to FIND myself, rather think about all the shit going on and sort it out. I'm pleased to say that now that I'm back, I'm happy as ever and feeling okay about everything. I feel confident about who I am, and reassured. THERE WAS SO MUCH LOVE. that's what finally did make me cry. When I saw everyone hugging and crying, I started crying. Because you could see that everyone cared so fucking much.
After every retreat we go back to school, and it's like things go back to normal, and this bothers us. But I think I figured something out: a lot of the people will go back to acting the same. But we're privaledged to have seen who they are beneath it all. People aren't always as open as they were this week, and I understand if the love seems like it's dying down because I know that it's all really there.
There are so many beautiful people in my class, it really makes me feel good about school (almost). I feel like next week (no school tomorrow) i might actually have new people to talk to. It was awesome how I talked to new people and became close with others really fast, stereotypes were erased, pasts were put aside. Everyone has such fucking crazy lives...and you would have no idea.
I can't really explain much of this to you, because like i've said time and time before, my thoughts are jumbled and such and such and such...
And anyways. . . I'm not sure that i've changed. . . but i feel in a very loving mood. And everyone hugged EVERYONE and everyone said goodnight to EVERYONE and people walked up to people to tell them how awesome they were. How great is that? Maybe some people still stuck with their groups, but every once in a while you would see people together in groups that you never expected to hang out.
Basically I feel very optimistic? or something...there is definetly tons to still be stressed about in the future, but right now it's okay. momentarily.
I HATE THE WORD BETWEEN "IS" AND "TONS".
spelling spelling spelling.
Tomorrow i will sleep in like crazy because i am currently running on very little thought.
WOAH! see right there? I meant "sleep" not "thought". go.me.
I love you all,
I really, truly do.
lovelovelove,
claudia

Have YOU Found Chai?

Another great day.
So I was a bit hurt in the morn when laura and her friends were watching tv set (finishing it) because they started it the night before and i had expected them to wake me up for it...So later i pointed out that they didn't wake me up and they said that they did...I had been so asleep that I "woke up" and explained how i was tired and such, and they had a full conversation with me that I dont even remember because i was kinda asleep. Which is funny, this has been known to happen to people.
I talked to my dear friend on the phone for maybe an hour, which was great because I didnt realize how much catching up we had to do. I'll be seeing her in about two weeks because she's coming to town, itll be fucking amazing.
Then I met simon downtown at 215. We looked at my dad's show at the art center, then he went and ate pizza at pizza solo. We sat and talked, and then walked and talked. We walked to Emerson Park and sat on a really good patch of grass for maybe two hours, just talking. So it was chill and really nice. Then we went to RUDOLPHS and i got a chai latte. Have YOU found Chai?
Then I met laura and sydney at linneas, where nathan joined us. There was an artists showcase there, kelsey came. It was weird to think that i'd been to the artists showcase the month before, but with slightly different people. It's just interesting is all. Actually I guess it was pretty much all the same people, mostly. And I got another chai latte.
Came back home with laura nate and sydney, and spent a while in laura's room playing guitar. Sydney taught me neon bible (arcade fire) and advisory committee (mirah). Both are simple songs but i'm pretty excited about it. I love the lyrics for neon bible. lovelovelove.
So they're still in laura's room playing, but I came up to the computer because I'm going to go to bed in a few minutes. I'm super tired.
Some really great times this weekend. Thank-you all.
Goodnight,
I won't be posting till either late thursday night or friday...so yeah. I'm mostly packed and all.
I'll tell you how it went, when I get back.
Love you.
lovelovelove.
claudia

Don't Deconstruct and Then Fill Me in.

This is me being UP. i feel a need to explain such things before i get started. Today was AMAZING and part of me doesn't even know why. It's like, nothing happened, but the most random and coolest things happened...kinda like Waiting for Godot, non?
Kay so SATS: I got there at 730, pretty impressive. But then the room we were put in (at 8) was two people over, so emily and i got kicked out and had to go back to get in another group...so we didnt start till 845...and we got out at 145. if you think about that: 730-2, is almost a full day of school. crazy. Luckily, I feel like i did considerably better this time than last, we'll see.
So then I realized that I didn't see the point in going home, and Christiana, Emily, and I went to coolcats, very good time.
Afterwards I didn't want to drive to AG, but didn't want to drive home, so i called and such....
Hayden picked up. Me: What are you doing? Him: Nothing. Me: Are you home? Him: Yeah. Me:Well what are you doing? Him: Hanging out. Me:By yourself? Him: Yeah...
So we decided to hang out. He would have to drive from AG, which was fine. I drove to Mitchell Park, parked, walked around. I walked to the library and he called to say he would be late, which was fine. So I just chilled on the free computer at the library. It's cool they have this free computer lab where people were watching movies, writing e-mails, looking random things up.
So then I headed to meet him in the gazebo, where we checked for (and found) signs of wax. But we had to GO somewhere. He wanted to go to the train station. We went the opposite way he wanted (that would still get us there). Once we were there he wanted to cross the bridge, so we did. We were then in the neighborhood by sinshimer, by terrace hill. We walked randomly through the neighborhood, ended up by French hospital, walked the opposite way of downtown on Johnson. We saw all this stuff that deserved to be captured with a camera, but alas, we did not have a disposable handy. So we walked and talked about basically everything, it was really good. And then Sabina came up (because we were near her house) so he said to call. This was about a 20 minute walk at this time (from her house). She answered, I didnt tell her who I was with, so we turned around back towards her house. I told Hayden at this point that her neighborhood confuses the hell out of me. Hers and the one off of foothill where bishop's peak is.
Luckily I vaguely knew where her street was, because i recognized a few others streets in the neighborhood that we walked by. So we got there, Hayden surprised her, and we took her dog on a walk. We wandered to Sinshimer park, past people playing frisbee golf, down the path that at night (from the end where the parking lot is) is illuminated by a mysterious light. We walked to the playground, and I looked at the place where I worked over the summer. And the weather was beautiful. So I said "it'd be really cool to go and sit on the pitchers mound, and just sit". Not the random field, but the main one, gated and all. So we crawled under (with some difficulty and pain). Tables ended up not being necessary, ha. Sabina's puppy stayed behind, barking a lot at first, but then accepting the fact that we were going to continue on our mission. So we found the way down to the field, and walked across the perfectly trimmed grass. And we went to the middle, and sat on the mound. Everything was so beautiful. It was just perfect and i felt HAPPY. The three of us talked for a while about random things, about life.
Eventually we headed back up, back under the gate, got the dog, began walking back. So hayden and i walked her back, back down the path, back past a new group of people playing frisbee golf. Sabina gave us a very fancy and complicated way of saying "turn right at the stop sign"...but we figured it out. i walked by familiar houses, but we (mostly me) decided it would be best to leave that for a more appropriate time...and we walked to the train tracks. We looked for shards of curled metal and railroad spikes. We walked on the track. Up ahead we saw someone in a building looking at us, someone working for the station. I didnt really care though, and we kept walking. When we got to the station we walked off of the track, and back to our cars at mitchell park. We then got in his super awesome father car and drove to kelsey's dad's house (difficult, she wasnt there) then to her mom's. She was in the shower so i took her guitar and played for her outside of the bathroom door. She thought it was her brother and she kept saying random shit. When she finished the shower she opened the door and THERE I WAS. So we went in her room and she pulled some clothes on (impressively fast) and we got in the car, taking advantage of the T-whatever aspect. Hard to breath but amazing. Taco bell real quick, i buy hayden dinner, atm, play. hayden payed which was very kind, i suppose this was because i bought him dinner. we sit on the floor.
PLAY WAS AMAZING. crazily amazing. And the thing is i dont even know. the play was kinda about nothing, but also about everything. i really want to see it again. And everyone in it was SO amazing, it wasl;g algjawoetjgb aJUST SO GOOD. i dont even know, i dont even know. but you all should have gone.
So i congratulated everyone, and was then ridiculously exhausted, so hayden drove me to ze car.
and life was just so great.
so i got home, and laura was in her room with friends. they have six movies. i opted out of excorsism of emily rose, opted out of the living dead (i think thats what it was), and hopefully they'll call me or wake me up in six or so hours if they watch tv set. As i walked away i heard laura whimpering and her friends trying to tell her that it wouldn't be that scary. itll scare the shit out of her. ha.
yethhh
anyways, it might not have sounded like a lot, but we walked everywhere today, and talked of everything. it was so great.
post/comment anonymously or not if you read this?
anyways.
love you all.
and tomorrow will be great too!
my dad's in the plein aire show at the art center, but im worried they take it down tomorrow. if you get the chance and its still up, you should DEFINETLY check it out. my maja says he one a prize, which is great. :)
i hate the word definitely. i spell it wrong every time
LOVELOVELOVE.

Did You Hear Me Claudia? (Yeah, Just A Second)

Today is my mom's birthday. Of course I didnt realize this till 11pm last night. . . So I don't have a present for her. But I dont know when I could have. That's a horrible excuse, really, but I do feel so busy. And it's not just one thing, but everything that is stressing me out. Apparently I can say this a thousand times and people will still try and pick one thing and act like that's it. Okay...
So I don't have a present for her, and i thought she understood...but then she got really upset.
Today was an okay day.
Someone had a miscarriage. I know this happens often, but I can only imagine what it'd be like. I feel worst maybe for when the daughter has to be told that the new sibling they expected won't be coming as soon as they thought.
Wanted to study calculus after school, but had a meeting with my advisor, then had tennis.
laura and sydney were here when i got home. they were playing guitar. i think its beautiful. incense and tea and candles.
went to bed at 1am last night because i was writing, so i think tonight i'll try and get to bed earlier.
i really love you all
and some of you i really appreciate.
thank-you for the hugs because you like them, the notes because you can, the advice because we try :)
night

It's Time To Separate The People From The Men Who Disregard Them

I'm in a shitty mood. I feel like I'm always in a shitty mood. And nothing you can do or say will help because I dont know what to tell you in response or to start. I'm tired of other people telling me what is good for me. To tell me there is never a relaxing evening because there is "always some goddamn crisis!" Well maybe the crisis is that I just can't relax! If you ask me how i am at school, i will probably always say "fine". If I say good I will be lying. That doesnt mean im BAD, it just means im fine and am incapable of being better than that.
No one reads this anymore, oh well.
Last night i fell asleep "watching baseball" (aka, resting my head in my hands and closing my eyes). And when I woke up I was way too tired to communicate or write. It bothers me that in my journal I only find long entries when I'm terribly upset about something, like a break up. My god I usually have things to say, why do I only say them then? It's like "i need to find time" but there is no time to be found.
I'm not quite sure why i'm in such a stressed mood now.
On the way back from tennis I slept in the car. Did english when I got home.
Then had dinner with family and some guy. I think that's when my evening went down. because i feel like it's rude to ask about an alcoholic dad. and because i am tired of teasing claudia for whatever reason. i also don't find it appropriate to yell at someone then act like you deserve to be treated with respect. i dont even care how cliche and teenager it sounds.
i think there are times when i could talk endlessly, but i suppress myself. how well will the person understand, how much energy do i have to talk?
At least at kairos i can ignore my life here for a while and not have class. we'll see how the retreat itself goes.
I will set it up with you, and we will get inside his head.
And the arms are crossed. And the stills must all come down.

what to do, what to do? It's like I just can't....can't what?
CANT WHAT?
i dont know who i need or what i need.
give me more time. please give me more time.

everything goes back to it,
and i can't bring myself about to -

Keep Talking to Me Please

Saturday:
Stressed out a lot during the day because of writing essays for scholarships, but got it done just in time for ze party. It was cool to see people that I normally don't get the chance to talk to or simply do not see enough. We ate, talked, open presents. She was pretty surprised by the whole surprise party...which was good :) In the eve we were told to sleep at midnight ...we were told several times. Is this unrealistic do you think? Well my car fits six, and we had seven. But it was the best option. Unfortunately it was parked right by the house and the others were outside of the gate on the road. So I put mine in neutral and steer as others silently push. Hit the curb. We calmed down, tried again. She ran to open the gate, gained speed, no brakes, sparks at bottom, turn, going down a road, cannot slow down. Only option is to put the car in "park" so the car tries to screeches to a stop without the aid of brakes...makes a lot of noise. Hop in, go, we're alive. Sunshine, dennys, come back, walk back up driveway and inside.
Nice, nice.

Then today was pretty good. Got home around one and left my house around ...2? Played guitar (because I am oh so great at it), sat, walked. Bought this cool...box thing. and such. Went to the video store, set up an account. She rented cashback and everything is illuminated.
We got back, cooked, ate. Watched cashback.
it was really good. the scene transitions were very well done and artistic. I also like that with the frozen time the character took the time to appreciate the beauty in little things. My dad had seen the movie and thought that with that time so much more could have been done, but i liked it the way it was. the script was great too. overall i really enjoyed the movie and highly recommend it.
and im feeling okay
but i should go do calc homework
and i think i understand things better now.

lovelovelove

Hit me, let it hit me.

i was on a roll with depressing thoughts earlier tonight, but i'm struggling with recalling all of them now because i'm feeling a bit better...
so around 5 or so someone said "you seem sad" and i guess it wasn't till i heard that, that i realized i was. really sad. and i guess it was over nothing. sat with some friends, talked, listened, etc.
Drove with Kelsey to Atascadero for a concert at the lake. it was really gorgeous, and hecka romantic (as kels pointed out). There was a deck around the lake, a path, gazebo. Loud crickets, ducks. <3 There were some cool people there, some good hugs were exchanged...etc etc.
I started to get a headache because all id eaten all day was some lunch, and it was getting late. Music was good (as always) but I just felt not really there. Or maybe there, but just not okay.
And I started thinking about how I was at the same point where I was six or so months ago, and how I hate that. How i always wind up at this EXACT same point. And then i got frustrated with myself for being mad at myself because I guess it's not all my fault anyways. I guess the frustration is also that there were some really good days, i had a good summer, but now it's like nothing has changed, or like they have gotten worse.
Worse because of...? It's weird, I like myself now more than I used to, but in someways i fucking piss myself off. Like why do i always feel awkward now and not know how to articulate? Why do I get nervous and choke up when talking in front of a class? Why do i fiddle and want so badly to dance, but for whatever reason just can't. It's not that i'm self conscious is the thing, it's just that now it's like i'm trapped into this person that sometimes feels restricted.
Senior year is in no way better than other years. I don't mean because of personal life, but everything. HI, my name is stress?
I just know that I want to be in one safe place and STAY. I don't want to have to search or worry, but just be happy with the way everything is. You can call that Utopian, but some people have it. I want that to be me.
I'm sure there was more, but I guess it doesn't matter.
When i couldn't remember what I had wanted to write on my christmas lists as a child, my father always said "if you can't remember, then it must not have been important"
but sometimes that simply isn't the case.

This whole blog can be misinterpreted i'm sure.
Hopefully Saturday will prove to be okay, and that I can keep sanity.
Need to wake up for tennis...
lovelovelove.


lets find ways

What Do You Say In Response To What You've Told Others?

Expendables show was fucking great.
School today was fine.
Some funny moments like when i said "we can take our shirts off too if you want" and doughty walked by...hahaha.
And playing the game at tennis and downtown
hopefully i remember to keep it up at school tomorrow
yeah she is right, bipolar for sure. eh. it happens though.
am partly okay and partly freaking out because of stress and such.
im not GREAT but i'm decent, right?
i really should go to bed
but i think this weekend will be good (though i do have things to stress about)
night
lovelovelove

p.s. am a bit concerned about situations. a bit disappointed, a bit frustrated.

Challenges That Shape My Personal Life

I should be writing an essay but am struggling with the following prompt: Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow?
I'm wondering now how I will write it so that it makes sense, and is not a series of thoughts that don't fit.
"challenges". i haven't had too many. I don't have much money, that is a challenge. But does that relate to my aspiration of wanting to help others? I suppose. Of wanting to positively change the world because the ignorance that is more and more apparent every day disgusts me? Maybe.
My day:
As expected, when my alarm went off at 630am I sprang out of bed and into the shower more quickly than usual. I think because the three hours of sleep (330-630) felt like a nap that rejuvenated me.
It was an 850 day, but I chose to not sleep in. I walked to Starbucks and sat against a wall by the movie theatre where I talked to a friend. I cried briefly but regained composure because things were looking up. Inside I wanted to sit and write, but bumped into a Freshman bud who I talked to for about fifty minutes (about teachers and homework and weird policies at our school). We walked when it was time.
And so at school I was awake. I felt pretty antsy all day and wanted to talk but at the same time wanted to explain absolutely nothing. My classmates again frustrated me with ignorance. I missed people that weren't at school that should have been.
After school I went with friends to buy tickets to a concert tomorrow, but I wasn't in the conversation and I couldn't really focus.
Then I had tennis. Where I played like crap, total crap. It was as though the lack of sleep had caught up with me. I felt incredibly lazy and had no energy to put in. People are nice to say "no don't worry about it" after i apologize for fucking up yet another point in the game that probably doesn't matter anyways. Also it was very hot out. And after each point i closed my eyes and was sure I could fall asleep (or faint) at any moment. I was just so tired I couldn't think or focus on the game or anything.
I got home and wanted peace, but everyone was arguing. Then at dinner I felt pressed for time because dinner itself was taking away from the time I had.
Now I need to write that essay, and I just....dont know. I love writing, yet I can't just WRITE the essay.
repeat me. repeat me. repeat me.
feeling antsy
This weekend is going to be fucking brilliant. Am I right?
fucking.brilliant.
Anything I could say is contradictory.
I think my senior quote will be
"do i contradict myself?
(i am large. i contain multitudes)"
because i continue to identify to it and to me it means so much that all makes sense.
the music is so beautiful.
it's cool how looking through binoculars, one sees the image in one unified circle. It is interesting to me and I want to center the object in the circle and gaze forever.
Now might be a good time to talk to me because i have a string of thoughts. But please, no superficial bull, ignorance, or feeling obliged to be polite. Just be simple.
AND
loveloveloveyou.

41

It's pretty cool that my blog actually gets read, even if lately it's not too exciting.
To be honest, i dont really like my new hair, and when people say it's cute part of me wonders if they're being polite. Don't feel obliged to comment on this entry just to reassure me you like it, i'll just doubt you more.
Last night i was freaking out. And I came to this realization:
I've tried to be so positive lately, to tell myself "things will work out" but then I started freaking out that maybe nothing would work out. This was in part due to me stressing over school and work I had missed while gone, as well as other factors.
So i called skyla (because sometime people forget we are all there for eachother) and she asked if everything was okay at which point i started crying. By the time we hung up i think i felt better. I just get stressed really easily. And i know that in most cases, there is nothing anyone can really say to help other than "it'll be okay", but its still nice to be listened to.
And today i realized:
The best friends I value are the ones that can call eachother crying
and i dont mean to say that is the only thing they are good for, but that is definitely a perk.
I never spell definitely right and spell check never catches it the first time.
I feel pretty frustrated with my parents lately (currenty my dad mostly). This is because I have really been trying to get my homework done. For example: today my dad said i couldn't go on the computer until my room was cleaned (i really need my own computer) and, being responsible, i put homework before my room. And I had to do the dishes, even though i kept telling him i had a lot of homework to do. But i did the dishes as told, did all my homework (before my room), and cleaned my room. Only then did I go on the computer. And i feel like this responsibility should be applauded...but there is just condition after condition, it's ridiculous.
Another example: thursday i want to go (and will go) to the expendables concert, but to do so i have to write an essay tomorrow (this is on top of my usual homework and physics that i missed while gone) for a scholarship (that isn't due till sunday).
So i'm pretty stressed.
And these are a series of random thoughts.
And when I cleaned my room today I decided to count my dresses. and i have forty-one
i am very proud.

lovelovelove

I'm Still Here (I Promise)

So here I am in Utah. The wedding tonight will be for my cousin Liz. The last time I saw her was eight years ago when her sister (my cousin) Erica was married. Erica and her husband have 10 wk old twins who have been getting plenty of attention. It's nice to see family again, simply because I never do.
It's also nice to have thinking time (even if I'm sick, even if I'm worried about school).
Either today or yesterday was the first day of fall, and it's really noticeable here. Trees are bright colors. This place is a ski resort so there are chairlifts everywhere.
Just wanted to give an update,
lovelovelove

I Dare You To Dance!

This is how I make things normal: i play a song...start to walk in the kitchen, and then can't contain it and i run around dancing because that makes everything so much better. today is going to be a good day because i am going to get a shit load of stuff done. it'll be crazy. i'll probably blog again later, but wanted to say that when you're home alone and your mind is spinning, you should run around dancing. smile! i actually think this whole time in all of our lives could turn out really well. and i love you all so much. i hope you all remember that.

We're All Taking Turns

im really feeling the song "juicebox" by the strokes and it makes me want to run around and scream, in a good way.
i have a million thoughts lately, and part of me wonders if i'm blogging too much?
i have to be careful how i phrase myself...
so sometimes i think i talk too much, i mean, sometimes i dont talk at all but...
i just feel like sometimes i keep talking and saying the same line after line and then it loses importance and becomes meaningless.
wow,
and i guess suddenly that's all i know to say.

other than i feel closer to my friends more now then ever,
even while we all move apart
and stress.
everyone is so stressed.
all the more reason to not leave each other.
its a hard combination: being pissed at yourself while accpeting affirmations from friends that tell you "you are loved". I guess that means we shouldn't be pissed at ourselves. who's sane right now? no one is sane all the time, we're all taking turns.

part two

i guess ill stray from that last post
(even though one of my friend's mothers once got her jaw stuck shut due to stress and she couldnt open it for a few days and now my jaw really hurts and is clenched)
because i want to tell you about the good things that happened today:
1)i made full use of my time by waking up at 630. Got to santa maria to play tennis. each team would play 90 games total. and when i say team i mean doubles team, as in, each person would play 90 games. i played 30, then took a break, then played another 10. it was a tournament and when i left we were undefeated (and we ended up winning the tournament). i didnt really talk about life, but i sat and ate food and played and played well...
2)i got three hours of community service done. after the three (working at a thriftstore) i bought three dresses, pants, two shirts, and a sweater.
3)my friend picked me up and i went to her house
4)we played guitar and talked about what really matters
5)we put on dresses
6)we bought food
7)went to mitchell park. beautiful from afar as you walk up and see dots of light in the gazebo. shadows of people. as you approach there is a circle full of blankets, people, candles, and food in the middle. talking. i sit down with my friends, so happy to BE THERE. this is why i live. because sometimes life is like it was tonight. and we share food, and listen to the coolest music, random stuff. and people play guitars. and we sing. and we dance. i liked that i was so happy to hear music, that i would wiggle and dance just sitting...and when a cool song was played, i'd jump up and dance around the circle pulling people into hugs. being there, i felt loved. and i think all of us did a little.
At one point some song came on and for whatever reason i jumped up, climbed over the gazebo and ran away. just ran across the grass, barefoot. and i could hear the people in the gazebo noticing. and i just ran so hard. two people ran out and joined me, one said "why are you running?" and i said "i had to run away from everyone" which had the response of "you're amazing". and you know what? so are they, so are all of them. and when i sat down my friend said, "what made you run, love?" and i said calmly and quietly, "the music came on and i had to run away"...
And candles dripped wax. Candles stood up in apples. drips and lines of wax formed on the bottles, candles stuck to the ground. it all made me happy and pleased.
At times when we were singing i looked around at the faces. some were sad, and i tried to read what they were thinking. some were kind, and it was kind of a beautiful happiness. and hugs goodbye, and goodnights...
you know free hug day? i think i only got to hug one person... I hugged so many more today.
you don't need a reason to hug today. because as far as everyone tonight knew, we were hugging because we love, not because there was any other reason we needed to be hugging, no one has to explain sometimes.
8)came home. said goodnight to family. talk to friends. and thought "big girls don't cry" but i guess im not that big of a girl, because fact of the matter is: i will miss them.


night

I Am The Queen of Nothing's Wrong

Remind me in four or five days to tell you about something comical I said in eighth grade, just not now.


There are things that shouldn't be said at night in an empty parking lot.
There are moments when you wonder why the fuck you are who you are. I told myself I would never consider caring about other people too much a weakness but,

I woke up and felt fine until I remembered where my train of thought lie, and you don't know how closely the mind and body are, even after being told so many times in science class. First my heart beat fast which made it hard to breath, and i had to make up random things to make it slow down. Then suddenly my room just felt ridiculously cold and i curled into a ball. As I felt this cold, my stomach started aching and i rubbed it gently. I hadn't eaten dinner the night before and had gone to sleep starving, but now that didn't even matter or cause the problem.

Surprises in mind are a waste of time it turns out. It was too nice anyways though wasn't it?

I think I've changed a lot in the past week, figured a lot of stuff out. How every day at school I will voluntarily be introverted and hardly say a word. But how come weekend I feel alive again. And now I'm wondering if all weekends for the whole year will be me, in school-week form.
And it's seven
and i have to go
because i need to go play tennis
and people will watch me hit the ball and ask "wow, what emotion is being taken out on THAT tennis ball?"
and you know what?
i won't say i word.
i just wont.

My Smiles Are Like My Words

Today i felt very aggravated. I tried to write as my hand shook in anger.
It's because lately more and more i am frustrated with the apathy and ignorance around me. it's hard to respect people's opinions when the reasoning is so false. it disgusts me that some people don't respect other cultures, understand differences, and yearn to help others. how can you be happy with the life youre living if you are doing nothing to help the greater whole in some way?
one thing i have now fully decided regarding vegetarians- i see no point in becoming one unless it is to become a vegan at the same time. to me, if someone is a vegetarian for the common reasons (maltreatment of animals, bad labor laws, etc) then for all the same reasons one should be a vegan. you'll eat the eggs from the chicken who is in the tight cage being killed by the man who can't afford a damn thing, but you won't eat the chicken? im not saying that people have to be vegans, but i merely suggest if you're a vegetarian, what reason do you have to not be a vegan? a great part of me wants to become one every day, but i wont let myself unless at the same time i am actually trying to change this. me not eating ___foods wont help, but me writing to companies AND not eating them might.
i wish at school i felt encouraged to talk and show people who i really am.
but i have this weird problem where even when my friends are talking, i barely want to listen. thats not phrased well. what i mean is that i just can't focus on what they are saying or i oddly dont feel as interested as i should be. and i dont think its because of who they are or what they're saying, but rather where we are.
i want diversity.
there are a few things i have good feelings about.
there are some things in the very near future to worry about.
and
and and and.
AND.
lovelovelove,
claudia

Every Shower Leaves Me Confused

This all started two days ago:

I smell like January. How do you tell someone that without them knowing it's not your attempt to be poetic? And yet I stood there in the shower. Was it the conditioner? Yes, the conditioner that made my thoughts rush back to that month and that period in my life. Did it smell like comfort?
Back when things almost seemed on track. Thinking about it all, it's almost a regret. No, I don't regret.
I haven't spoken this to anyone. Will it make me seem oddly interested in something that is gone? It might make me obsessed with a time that someone may be trying to forget. Ignoring this, is that a form of moving on?

Listing Things

Today started out good because I went out to breakfast before school.
Things going through my mind now:
1)Friends know they can talk to me. I like this, and I like when they do. I worry when I find out someone has been hurting. I hope that they'll know they can talk, and not just sit there feeling sad.
That was for mostly girls, but also everyone.

2)I randomly got this lonely feeling this afternoon. I think it was partly due to me feeling exhausted. I was having trouble concentrating and was running through conversations.

3)This is a stupid blog. I don't like it at all.

4)It is so much easier to sit and think than try and talk about things that aren't of any importance to you.

5)Note to self: kb has something to do with bases: figure out what.

6)I need a nap. But I think I should go to the store instead.

7)I'm okay

8)Really.

lovelovelove

HELLO LITTLE BOYS LITTLE TOYS

talk about amazinggg song. For the past hour I've been telling myself I was going to sleep.
but WHOOPS here i am!
So what's it gonna take silver shadow believer?
Life is okay. um. A few random arguments here and there, but ive had some pretty eventful days.
Hung out with alyssa today, played tennis with chris, saw nate play, and came home early :)
i'm really thirsty.
collegecollegecollege.
schmallage. that's right college, i just insulted you.
zomg i'm in a random kind of a mood.
so mostly things are good
minus the jerk or two here and there
but since they're jerks,
it's not TOO much of a concern.
AND OKAY.
lovelovelove
sorry bout this one.

Hello, who ARE you?

It's a really sunny afternoon on a Saturday, and yet I'm stressing out. I layed on my bed for a while, putting on a mix a friend made me about a year ago. I layed the phone next to me, closed my eyes and covered them with my arm, and thought. I had no intention to sleep. Random things flew through my mind about how I was so sure of something that now I don't even know what to do with. And looking at other people and how happy they've been. And I even thought to myself, "why is it that I spend all week in school anxious for it to be Friday". It's never a fun mood to be in, the too-indifferent-to-get-up-and-do-something mood.
Each day a different person is leaving to college. It's weird, one by one.
Even now after each sentence I type I sit here and zone out for a few seconds before putting another one together.
I've only been in school two weeks, and already it's killing me.
Seeing the same patterns and the same annoyances.
I don't want to clean. It'll just get dirty anyways.

Crazy

Everything is so insane right now. There's some drama (that I'm staying out of basically) and some changes. I have a best friend leaving Thursday and it'll be hard to get in a few more hugs because I have school till 3, then tennis till 6... It's crazy, from this point on it's all different. Close friends will be at slohs, making crazy good memories. I'll be at mission, trying to stay sane, coming up with ways to keep myself entertained and okay. I can't let people worry about me when I know how much they're worrying about everything else. I shouldn't be on the computer long, i want to read 1 and a half books tonight. Then another tomorrow...(fuckme.).
lovelovelove
claudia

Optimistic?

So I'm putting myself in a weird mood. Or maybe others are causing me to put myself in a weird mood.
Factors:
1) School. Tomorrow I am going to school. And I dont like that my mind/body has accepted the feeling of "oh it's late, i need to sleep soon" when just yesterday I considered my bedtime around 2am. And soon I'll be having homework, and stressing and crying. I feel like I can't prevent that. I just don't know...
2)People. It kills me when I can't read people's thoughts. Wondering if they actually like me and want to be hanging out. If quiet means thinking. If distant means matching your own actions. I guess I have to tell myself that half of the time it really shouldn't matter.
3) cough. cough cough cough. Yesterday it was sneezing, and today begins the coughing.

Good news: I had great memories this summer. I should make a list. Also, now that school is starting I know I'll be writing in my journal more regularly. And there are good things to come, i promise.

i hate people that are rude. shut up. okay? okay.

Blank Expression

Basically, I want to cry right now and am doing all I can not to. I guess the root of this is that I was stoked to listen to my twenty or more records, but I need a new needle and since the turntable is old I'm having a hard time finding one. Also, my friend is moving to Kentucky tomorrow, and I feel like there are so many memories with him I missed out on. And then I'm just looking at myself and I feel like I'm not in the right mindset for anything right now.
Friday I'm in school. I still have three books to read. I got (almost exactly) the schedule I wanted. Wednesday I may be going to six flags. Today I'm going to see a friend and pretend that nothing happened.
A new and great friend goes to college Friday, and one of my two or three best friends goes to college next week. It makes me want to ask myself "what are you doing?".
I've been out a lot, staying out late, seeing people, and my parents don't like this, because I am gone so much. But I need to be. If I'm not then I feel like I'm wasting time.
I value friends so much (too much?) and want to see them while we can.
I'm trippin
this is one of those blogs i'd actually want people to read...
but i don't really want to advertise it all.
good.bye.

What Is This Summer Anyways?

My mom is yelling at me so hardxcore right now. She's saying all these really uncalled for things. That I'm ruining the family. I never want to be home, I hate our family, etc. (She says). And she's just yelling. Now she's yelling because she says she will hide my keys because my room is not clean enough. Okay, so I know that's something parents say but i continue to not understand why my mother cares if my room is clean, she never spends time there and when someone is coming over to be in my room I clean it. It's the "you don't care about me" sentences i hate hearing from her. She tells me how I can't stand to see her, etc. I hate, hatehatehate, it when people tell me how i feel. EYE know how i feel...don't tell me i'm something. Don't tell me that I'm sad, that i'm mad, or that i'm spiteful because you think I am. One day I'll make a list of all my little pet peeves.
One of them will be when people yell at me despite my lack of response. When I just sit here and take it.
One of her favorite things to tell me is that I care about my friends too much. That soon they will be gone and i will realize i dont have anyone. She says I make excuses to my family all the time, but never to my friends. That's not true. Sometimes people want to hang out and I don't because I'm tired or it's late...But she wouldn't believe that if i told her.
rant rant rant.
The thing is, I'm not screaming right now. I'm actually sitting here with a very calm expression on my face.

What does it matter.
Because he/she isn't going to hang out with me today anyways, it's all a false-caring attitude. Looks like my mother got her wish,
some people don't want to let me get a hold of them.

And Lie In Violet Lilac Beds

I have a headache right now and I feel like I've been getting a lot of headaches lately. No good.
I only have one hundred pages of Harry Potter left. It's been taking me far too long.
Yesterday went to a concert in Santa Barbara. I was bummed because we missed The Expendables because they played really early. Slightly Stoopid and the other bands were still good though. The smell of pot was pretty intense but you could tell that no one really cared. One of the singers pulled out a bag of it from his pocket and said something about it and everyone just cheered. Haha.
Went to the chiropractor this morning. Was pretty uneventful. Basically I'm going again on Wednesday.
I'm wondering if i should take some advil or something, but i've been taking one every day for about a week and I feel like that's not good. I'm wearing a big sweater and I'm really hot. So i'm going to take it off, because it is sunny out.
I might finish Harry Potter now,
or take a nap.
Maybe write.
It hit me today that next Friday I have to go to school...
I'm really worried about getting my schedule because i dont know if i'll get all the classes I wanted and i probably wont. eek.
Okay welllll yeah. bye
lovelovelove

I Finally Made The List Today

I have at least four cuts on my fingers, and it makes it very hard to type.
Life is great and it's hard to believe I'll be in school in less than two weeks.
I've been getting home later and later, which my parents aren't huge fans of, but so far so good.
Tomorrow I'm going to a slightly stoopid concert in santa barbara, and i'm excited because it will be great :) Fireworks show at work tonight, was the best so far (of three. and last of three.).
I just discovered another injury on my right index finger. Eek.
Today I took a bunch of pictures with a friend, out exploring with props and changing outfits. It was beautiful. Especially because i borrowed my dad's really great camera and tripod. Doing this reminded me how much I love photography and how I need to keep it in mind...if that makes sense.
I really can't complain right now (except for the fact that I should be reading three books for school).
Today my friend told me that the school gave him different classes than he signed up for because the other one's didnt work. I really hope that doesnt happen to me. . . really. :/
Kay well,
night :)
lovelovelove

Pray For Me, Kay?

So my faja is going to make an appointment for me to go to the chiropractor, which is good.
I'm pretty tired because I woke up late, again. It's annoying because I remember waking up at 10:22, then I fell asleep and woke up an hour later. I remember my hand falling asleep during the night, and squeezing my teddy bears close.
My maja made meatballs last night. I wasn't home for dinner (because I went to dinner with Hillary) so I haven't eaten them yet. I will (even though sometimes I forget that's beef...).
I work later today, but I don't plan on doing anything before then. I could call a friend, but I kinda just feel like reading harry potter and such. I'm starting to think I should start summer reading because i have three books to read in less than three weeks.
My faja just asked if I wanted to go on a family trip this summer, and i just asked "um...when!?" because I start school the 17th, my mom starts the 13th, and I don't see myself having much time.
Just had breakfast, I know it's kinda late for that. I think I should get dressed soon because when I stay in my pajamas all day I get nothing done.
Now I don't have much to say... other than I start school ridiculously soon, pray for me, kay?
lovelovelove,
claudia

Get The Story Down (Waltzing Right Out of the Room)

When I came home there was a cute note from my sister on my pillow tucked into my journal. She placed it here knowing i would see it because i write every night,
except that every night I haven't been. I feel pretty bad about it, i really need to do some catching up. I'm forgetting what I've been doing each day, and I really want it all written down.
Tonight I was in a super mood and was singing ridiculously with everyone. Amazing.
We baked at Mia's before work, took amazing pictures...
I need to buckle down and look at colleges (because if I dont get in to berkeley then who knows where i'll be going).
life is just fucking great
:)
lovelovelove

They Will; They Are

Where is all the time going? It's crazy.
Writing is becoming less frequent, reading is amazing when I get the chance, focusing on music when I can.

Because life is good.
Drove to paso last night after work (after saying goodnight to this amazing kid) to go to my friend's house. Played apples to apples for three hours, ten fingers, mfk, sudokus until 530am. Wake up at 9, have a good breakfast...listen to accapela (sp im sure) music, more sudokus, folding.
Was home by noon. Very tired but in a great mood, i put on my new record that i purchased at boo boo's on wednesday and layed out in the middle of the living room with headphones on. I looked up at the ceiling listening to the beautiful music, closed my eyes, and when the record finished, fell asleep.
About an hour later I woke up to my phone, which i promptly answered and (feeling rested) proceeded to drive to cuesta to pick up a friend.
cooked here, sat in the yard.
discussed.

drove to slo
went to dinner (or smoothies...)
went to a concert.
i'm being vague.

Today i was thinking about the following:
How sometimes it's not teasing anymore, and it's rude (to make someone feel low).
And how sometimes
people leave your life
and when they come back,
it's hard to handle.

But things are going to work out. they will.
they are
and its beautiful.
lovelovelove

Redhead in Bed

I'm not even sure how it is that I've been so busy lately. I haven't even been writing in the journal by my bed every night. It's pretty sad.
But things have been good...what HAVE i been doing?
Bought Harry Potter... and i guess im not too cool because i havent finished yet. I'm only in the 200's. Watched the saddle creek documentary again (which caused me to buy the album "lullaby for the working class"). Went to a friend's birthday party at the beach....um....
hmm.
I've just been hanging out with people. Chillin at houses, driving to Sunshine, watching scrubs...but really good memories.
So i go through times where my self confidence falters, or i worry about how i act with other people, with them liking me, or if i'll be boring, annoying... And I've been doing okay with that lately. I was just thinking about it today...and how not really trying to be anyone, and just being, observing, giving imput
has really been good.
I just feel good lately
excited.
I smell like a
redhead in bed
: )
went to the renaissance fair today. yup.
As you may/may not know, i have this intense paranoia when going to sleep, and it's gotten really bad lately. When I make my way down to my room, i have to turn on/off different lights, and it freaks me out whenever it's dark for a second. and i get to thinking. i never feel safe until the curtains are closed in my room, light on, door closed. This will sound like im being an attention whore (but since no one reads this then i really am not), but the other night i was convinced i was going to die and was debating calling my friend at 2am to leave the house and have him meet me. I didnt know what to do...
okay
way to turn this entry into a downer.
er.
but im HAPPY lately : )
loveLOVElove

i smoke because i love music

It's been a few days...and I've been having a lot of fun just doing random things with friends. Spending time eating ice cream, making pudding, watching movies, going to the movies, baking, sleeping, late night adventures. It's just been really good.
Last night my friend was at work and she said "how are you?" and i was all smiley and said "really good. great! it's amazing" and she smiles and said "is that sarcastic at all?"
and its not. but she's right to wonder because so often there are things bringing me down, but not now. I mean, little things here and there but they are nothing compared to just normally.
And I'm happy to be able to tell her I'm good.
I have less than a month before I go back to school, it's unbelievable. Yesterday downtown a friend and I were agreeing that summer isn't really it's own thing, its just a short break. What really separates one year of school from another? a short break?
My sister got a letter from the senate today, because she has been writing letters
it makes me impressed
and once again, i should be writing some myself.
and i love music
someone said to me "i smoke because i love music"


and man, music sure is beautiful.

There Is More Than One Name For It

I'm just thinking a lot right now. This summer has been a series of days, but good ones nonetheless.
Today I went to the beach, came back exhausted, then went to a friends party and watched a movie. Which put me in a thinking mood. So i chose to come home instead of go bowling, and as i drove home i thought. I thought about a lot of things that make sense to me.
I came home and took a shower, then filled the bathtub and laid down. I closed my eyes and was just resting, thinking, late at night. Eventually I thought maybe i shouldnt fall asleep in the bath, so i got out and wrapped a towel around me. My mother was upstairs and i heard her turn off the tv and walk to her room. I said goodnight. I didnt really ask where my dad was, and even now that he's home i havent.
I can't read my mothers mind. I can guess.
My sister is at a friends house.
I made it sound like my parents fight, like i have family problems, thats not it.

im in this mood where i want to write. but its just not here not now.
okay?
lovelovelove
claudia

Wishing Isn't Doing

Today was a solid day.
I woke up for the swapmeet, purchased some records, a hat, a shirt, markers, a map of the moon, cds. . .
then went to house of bagels, where i'd never been, and i really liked it.
off to work at 1130 till 530. I was pretty tired and it was really hot out, but work was still fine.
After work I went to my friends house, where we found a sick bird by her hottub. We relocated it and then started finding this blood and tracing it into her garage where there was another bird. We tried to do what we could for the birds and it reminded me how much i care about the little things and how worried i get about them. Like when i get home at night i always make sure people mind the snails that gather on the walkway.
Then i went to a concert downtown that was really fun. It was eddie bunsen and the burners, iamb, threes and nines, and candle. I actually liked all of them, and i think i liked the crowd more than the people from the other night. Not meaning who I went with, but who was there.
So now I'm home again, ive been gone most every day all day.
I could go to the beach tomorrow, and I might, but part of me wants to rest at home.
By the 20th i need to have a book read and i havent started it. Maybe tomorrow I should buy it?
lovelovelove
claudia

My Compy Underlines in Red "okay" and Suggests "Tokay"

Today is Saturday. And the other post was Friday.

I'm an Aunt! My cousin had twins today (over a month early i think). They each weigh four pounds, I think this is small. Names are Madison and Riley, which I think are really good names. Now I have to see my cousin (and it's been 8 years).
Today was an okay day.
I slept in, and woke up in pain because my throat hurt really bad. I was trying not to talk.
Made plans to go to the swapmeet tomorrow morning, and im excited because im keeping my eyes open for a few different things.
Was planning on hanging out with a friend, and until then I chilled at home. Ate some food my mom made, sat at the computer, sat on my bed wondering how to feel better.
I was about to start a book when my friend called so i left my house to meet her.
On my way i picked up a cd a friend made (yay.) and stood in the road in a semi-organized circle.
When I got to my friend's we ate a bunch of food, then went to work. I felt really full from having just ate. And I was really tired. I yawned ninety million times. And work wasn't very fun. There was a decent amount of fans, but work seemed slow. A guy from the pit was working register, which was kind of fun because he'd walk up to me all the time and give the biggest and longest hugs. I love people. My boss didn't want me going on break the same time as my friend, which made me bummed. Eventually I went on break and got a specially prepared dinner then sat with my friend (who quit but was back for the game). I wanted to leave work early because I felt sick, and when I started crying I especially felt stupid. I stood outside and breathed some fresh air as I started to clean up. And I was fine.
Split tips with the five people left (which was nice because we usually don't get tips).
Got off work relatively early.
I was thinking about maybe skipping compy tonight, but obviously that's not happening.
I AM (however) listening to the mix that was made, and it's good : )
I really want to make someone a mix soon because we have really cool blank cds and i want to go crazy decorating them.
Okay. Tomorrow will be good. Swapmeet. Work. Chill. Concert.
lovelovelove
claudia

Days Are Good

I guess I'm not very good at this blog thing. Because i forget. But i dont think i should feel obliged to do this. It's just for fun.
Okay so. Last night I went downtown to farmers, and eventually met a friend for dinner. We got into talking about problems in the world, what can be done, and what needs to be done. It just overwhelms me. . .
It actually made me want to cry, talking about it all.
Today I hung out with my friend all day, it was pretty fun. Went exploring los osos, to the library, for ice cream. The weather was gorgeous. Very warm out, not cold at all : ) heh.

Everyone at work is falling in love with hugs. It's great.
I suppose other things are running through my mind, but thats all i have to say for now.
lovelovelove

I'm Managing Well

Okay so I'm really behind on these because the last two or so days have been crazy(ly amazing).
So on Tuesday I went to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. First I met up with Kelsey, walked around (sans shoes), got some dinner, bought the interpol cd (and got a free 45). Waited in line starting around seven. I get in these moods where im in awe of people. and there were just so many people. And its not even just that there were a lot of people, but i find it fascinating how everyone connects. Everyone knows each other through random people, and i think it's the coolest thing ever.
The movie was pretty good. I could criticize different aspects of it, but I'll just leave it at: i had fun.
After the movie i went to sunshine donuts with a group of people. I was there until four in the morning. Talked about Vampires, God, People, etc. But it was really great conversation. I was proud of myself because i felt like i held my ground well. But I won't get into that now.
So around four i thought i should go home, so kelsey came over. Chilled, went on the computer, got a facebook at 4am (boo claudia!). And at 6am we decided to go to bed.
Woke up late...got dressed. At two my sister and mom came home from spain. Got some sweet shirts they brought back (and a dress, necklace, etc). So that was cool.
Then Kelsey and I went to Skyla's house and adopted some clothes...
Then I went to Kelsey's, ate food, went in her backyard.
Went to work for two hours.
Went back downtown and met Kelsey, Nicole, Skyla, Nicolita, and Thomas there for a concert. It was stepsonday, sparrows gate, briertone, and blesk. It was definetly a good time and the concert went longer than planned (till about 1130). It was Blesk's last concert, which is kind odd to me because they were the first local band i started listening to, and then gradually i started following other ones to the point where now i go to these shows for bands i like and keep branching out. It's great. I guess it's sad that it was their last show, but I think im okay with that. It almost seems right to me. Like we're all moving on. Im not really sure how to explain this right now.
So I bought these two shirts where the money goes to support an orphanage in Africa.
It's sad how much money I've been spending lately.
I took out 80 dollars the other day, and the following day had to take more out. Which is really sad. But I still think I manage my money well. I mean, 48 of those dollars went to my dad to pay car insurance. Then food, a cd, buying my sister a shirt, etc.
So it was around 1145 when i left to take kelsey home (she can't drive because of her knee). Thomas drove Nicolita to my house, and she spent the night.
We stayed up talking,
and went to bed at 5 am.
Slept in today. We got up and Thomas came over. Exchanged music. Then his friend came over and we sat around (talking about the sewer system?)
So...just basically I've been really busy
(but happy)
Tonight I'm going to try and see my friend before she leaves to Africa (tomorrow i think). It'd just be nice to see her because she'll be gone a month.
Life is so crazy right now...
And anyways. I'm managing.
lovelovelove
claudia