Its Not About How EYE Am

Breathing is kinda hard right now, and I'm not really sure how to explain it more than that.
Right now I have been holding a heart I shaped out of purple play dough. Earlier I also wrapped it around my cow as a blanket, and afterwards as a head piece. I think it just made him colder though.
Me attempting to explain these past two days:
Yesterday started out pretty good for a Monday. With tennis over I feel less stressed. When I got home I called nathan to meet him at the school, because a while earlier he had called me to show me a new way to experience swings at the park. So we both left to meet there. Walking up I had a normal expression, until I saw him standing on top of the slide, at which point a giant smile spread across my face. And we swung and we walked and we talked and it was good. Beautiful time of day, beautiful places. So my monday was feeling solid at that point, until night came around...

In the morning I looked like shit. I got to school, cried, went to classes, took a physics test. Walked around after school. On the way home I called nate (who was sitting behind me, but I though I should call) to see if he wanted to hang out. We sat in my room and we talked and it was really good and much needed. It was just...really real, and honest, and serious but good.
I drove him home, and took my sister to pick up film.
I don't know. (of course)
I wasnt really hungry all day. Had some of my cereal this morning, a banana, yogurt, some cookie, some lasagna... i just had no appetite. As I ate my lasagna I had to force it down because I felt like I was going to throw it all up.

lyricslyricslyrics.
you know how i feel? helpless. I'm just worried that what I do won't change things, and that things are almost predetermined. It's a horrid feeling. I still don't plan on giving up though. I can't let myself.
At dinner i was talking to my dad about nuclear weapons when all of a sudden i stopped mid-sentence, then continued saying "sorry i thought the stove top had a place for a tetris piece"...
and well anyways.
there isn't much i can say right now....