Nothings.

I understand anxiety better now-
it's not a lack of motivation to do something
it's just can't can't can't.
I actually remember once, junior year of high school-around then,
after dinner feeling really anxious
about cleaning the table.
It felt stupid to proclaim I couldn't.
This feels different,
it's more like I can't
because it feels fruitless.

I was thinking about children,
how we interact with them
isn't it like an acting game?
The way I act around a child is the way I act around a pet,
raising my voice to a higher pitch,
exaggerating my gestures.
Isn't it a bit like lying,
to let a child believe your behavior is normal
that you always wave to people around you and make silly faces-
at least that's what I do around kids.

It's frustrating,
I want to write something
I want to explain something in depth
but I feel like I can't grasp anything.

Okay so let me get this straight.
Religion should actually be founded on uncertainty,
so how do they come to so many conclusions?
Why do we use the word 'god'?
Why don't we substitute it?
And if we did, would that word become as worn?
Also am I spiritual?
I think I possess many qualities that people would describe as spiritual
but I'm not sure I would describe them as such.

Do I care that someone described me as,
"that tall skinny brunette who looks like she's mad all the time" ?
Not really.
You win some you lose some.
Maybe you mostly lose some.

When we couldn't decide on dinner (aren't mashed potatoes too similar to pasta?)
Michael suggested burgers with pancakes as buns.
That was a good idea.

Today I sat by a mostly-stranger in one of my classes.
We passed around candy that our teacher gave us.
I got bored of mine.
The stranger seemed bored of his too.
I put the last section of my chocolate bar on his desk,
and he set the rest of his on mine,
I like that that was an understood trade.

After all the home improvements Peter made to our apartment this weekend,
I feel very compelled to be handy myself,
and find it very admirable.

Remember when you were making out in my room and I probably interrupted twice because I forgot but I turned on the decorative chili lights for you?

The cat in the plant store across the street is sick.
I love the plant store.
I think it would be nice to work there,
they were hiring once.

Falling asleep on the wrong side of the bed seems to heavily influence the side I wake up on.
Also, I need new pajama pants.

right intentions

I've been trying to be the best I can

I get so frusrated when I feel like it isn't working

Frustrated if I ever feel like I'm making it about me

Makes me want to give up and shout

But that would be making it about me

and I can't stop trying.

(Right now I want to. it's not about me it's not about me it's not about me. it's absolutely everyone)

even a post seems conceited! this is ridiculous.

(i hope i fall alseep now)

maybe it's Greenland melting as we move in closer

Looking at the negative space between our necks,

I think it looks like Africa,

or South Ameria-

or maybe it's shaped like Sri Lanka,

maybe it's a tear drop falling from a cloud

maybe it's rain

maybe it's raining out

maybe I'm getting drenched right now right here with you

and all I can think about are foreign landmasses

bed is cursed

I can fall asleep anywhere but here-

on our couch with the lights on,

sitting on the cold floor shivering,

at my desk with the movie playing.

I can sleep in your bed with flat pillows,

during a meeting at the office,

on the subway with strangers looking,

in a sunny bed on campus.

I can fall asleep anywhere but here-

moments after fighting for consciousness,

I reach the comfort of my own bed,

only to toss and turn.

Coughing fits take me when I think I've won,

Silence overwhelms my imagination,

music is consistantly too loud-

hypotheticals hold me for hours,

tears run down my cheeks when I think I'm fine,

I pull in the covers when my body shivers,

I take off pjs when I'm overheating-

I set my phone on the sheets beside me

in case I need it as a last resort.

what am i dreaming about.

I feel you should wake up feeling either good, or neutral, and your day can take it from there. Now my problem is I have been waking up and been feeling negative, and then I have to about my day working to get out of the negative- and into the positive numbers. A few days ago, and at other times, I've woken up and felt a dream barely within my grasp... but then I can't recall what it is. And I'm left with this feeling that it was bad or that I should remember it. I felt extremely frustrated wondering what it had been, because I was convinced it was impacting my mood in the morning. I usually remember my dreams fairly well, but lately they're more of a feeling-and I can't recall anything about them. This sets my day off. This morning I woke up at ten, and even though that meant I slept an extra hour, I immediately felt angry for not having woken up in time for my ten o'clock class. Even though it's just finite&probability and people often skip that class.

No one cares.

Okay bad mood aside, I'm going to get dressed, make breakfast, and head out to my internship in the city.

Wait but really I'm in an extra terrible mood and extremely frustrated with myself. And it's frustrating that I have work right after my internship, so I won't be home until 11pm. And then I don't even want to come home.

Potential End of the World

So the other day I went into Student Services to ask them to please remove the hold on my account. [I signed up for an 11am math class but now want to take it at 10am so that I can make it to an internship in the city.] So since it was an issue of tuition being paid, I went to talk to a credit-er... is that what it's called? A person who works with credit related issues and loans and forms and things.

I was called into this guy's office, and looked around while he pulled up my file. The office is in a basement, with one small rectangle window at the top, letting in a super small amount of light. The walls are pretty bare, except for a calendar and three or four posters. I recognize some of the shots, one looks just like Sedona in Arizona. There's one that could be a beach on Cape Cod, one of mountains... the calendar is all nature scenes. You can see a few photos of people on his desk, lit up by bright florescents.

He was incredibly nice considering how unappealing his job seems to me. It made me wonder why he would want to spend his days in an unnaturally lit office (which I kind of pointed out to him), discussing loans with kids and parents and agencies. Especially when he was obviously sympathetic about the lack of alternatives when it came to my financial aid. I thought about how maybe he has this job because he does hate the system, and he wants to try to help students that have to deal with it and don't understand it. Like a martyr.

Well it got me to thinking about the series The Hunger Games, which my whole aparment is reading. (Except Andrea has yet to start it.) In this book there are 12 districts, each of which must randomly choose a boy and girl to go and compete in "the hunger games" yearly. In this game, game makers simulate a harsh environment in which all of the chosen kids must fight until their death. It's the capitol's punishment for a revolt years and years ago. So part of this is that each kid has a designer team to pump up the public's enthusiasm about that contestant. In the book, the main character's fashion designer clearly thinks the Hunger Games are fucked up--and you can tell he really just wants the girl to survive, and doesnt really care about all the capitol bullshit even though he has to be a slave for them.

Well it gets me to thinking about all these novels and the downfall of society, and with keeping up with the NYT I kind of do believe society is falling apart. I express this sentiment to others on occassion, but I'm pretty serious about it. Obviously who is to say how long it would take for so many freedoms to be lost, and for there to be government control to that extent. But I do often feel like everything is falling apart. It scares me when people view slight changes that bother me as improvement. It makes me think I'm crazy and paranoid. But then I leave and hang out with other people outside of my immediate friend group--- and sometimes I find reassurance there.

Something more optimistic or different later...

love.love.love.

claudia

Why do you expect me to explain more after I say I Don't Know

I am laying in bed with music layered on top of rain through the open window, layering the t humming behind it. Those things and my heartbeat. With the sheet as my pajamas I became conscious of my left hand resting on top of it. I let my thougths drift to why it was placing it there. I vaguely recalled the thoughts traveling through my brain at this moment, and do not know if this triggered the acknowledgment of my heartbeat. Kind of like the way I was drifting into replicating something well-known (like acting, or playing some game) but placing myself as the focus. Trying so hard to remember more specifically what it could have been. It was like a story I needed to duplicate. I was eager to tell you but lost it upon acknowledging that I was drifting with a thought that utterly surprised me at every step down into what would soon become sleep. Kind of like the part I could hold onto this morning, where I woke up and immediately said something to the effect of "don't go in the fire though" or "don't let the fire get on you!" something so non sensical. My justification was that I thought I was responding to your dream, but I was in a completely separate one. Earlier when I was on the computer I thought about how the only thing I want on facebook is messages, but only in the way that I don't want anyone else/facebook to have anything more either. Half of me thinks about how ridiculous this is. Not only is it ridiculous that I think everyone should have the same standards or desire to hault development, if even a website, by why do I bother to think about it when what I'm thinking about is not real. Thats ridiculous. You don't have to think about real things.

Yesterday on the porch I was thinking (a verb i really seem to need a thesaurus for) that I possibly am always thinking about one thing. I don't even want to associate a word with it because its so heavy to some it up into a category with such varied connotations. It's not hard for you to figure this out though. I'll explain. Every thought I think about, often I find, is premised on the underlying black and white thought of impact. A decision to not do simple actions is based on this. The larger actions of existence come down to more of a moral process, but I feel like I have a basic instict for prefering anything that sounds simple or natural or broken down. More descriptions would not help because the synonyms will drift farther apart from those.

What made me decide to write just now at all, was the idea that I could calm down by reaching for paper and tacking "i think im crazy" onto the wall next to me. I'm always thinking about how I could sharpie all over my walls but I think I would feel too pressured to do that. So instead I often imagine writing phrases in large font across my walls, usually tacked up like reminders. Some of them stretch a few feet (most of the ones that get me thinking about this idea are).

When I'm walking they're song lyrics. But then they're not tacked up at all, they're floating in mid air. I suppose the way I imagine it is being able to kind of magically project, but in more of a script than cold font, lines as they run through a song. The song of course is omnipresent, but not in a large stereo-booming shocking sort of way. Though everyone can hear it, its more of a personal sound system that surrounds you, rather than something you are uncomfortably aware everyone is hearing being shouted at them. The bit about the way the song plays is something that I've proposed to some people. I like to end it with "i'm going to invent that" which isnt completely ridiculous despite it seeming un-real.

Your timing, it's terrifying.

I think when I first started blogging, it was something I would often find myself doing late at night, probably when I couldnt sleep.

Luckily (until recently) I've grown to fall alseep much easier, usually without needing to journal (which is a bit sad that I don't journal as much, but great that I still fall asleep to music each night).

The occassions on which it happens, perhaps, I just realized may be when I am filled with lonelinesss. Up until a month or two ago it was just when my paranoia kicked in and I would have to go crawl in someone's bed.

Once when I was home, sometime after my mother bought her house-meaning Sophomore or Junior year- I was so scared that I had to pick up my phone and call my mother who was in the other room. This time I was convinced someone was at my window. Supposedly these fears are unfounded (I blame society of course), though that reminds me of the house in Los Osos where we all used to live. There was someone knocking on the door but it was late and I didnt want to get the door. And my sister woke up eventually too and came in my room. The stranger was persistant, and then we heard the person try to turn the knob, which was locked. And it was terrifying.

MY SISTER JUST TEXTED ME AND SAID "IM REALLY SCARED. ABOUT LIFE. TERRIFIED"

how did she know...

(Also I think that means I really am psychic-she just told me that the text didnt go through the first time she sent it)

Well anyways. So I called 911, made them stay on the phone, and woke up my mom who went to the door to check...and it was a neighbor who said we had left our car lights on and wanted us to know-

at like...2 in the morning or whatever it was.

So like I was saying, lately my trouble sleeping at night is when I feel lonely. Which possibly happens too much considering how many people I am always around.

The people-that must be the problem. I need to give up people all together.

Oh god maybe I'll make myself tea so that I sleep- dont want to have to have another reason for not going to my internship in the morning

Summer part one

Holly came from Miami FLA

I've been a bit vague about summer. Well it finally got hot and brutally humid. Luckily it's fallen into a cool upper 60's 70's weather, which is about my favorite. It's as though I'm being prepared for heading home, where the summer is typically 70's and typically beautiful.

But Boston has gotten better. Now that it's summer no one really has anything they are supposed to be doing outside of their "job" or "internship" or what-have-you. Meaning that after those things there are no jobs or responsibilities aside from the porch-sitting 40-drankin, disney-move-vhs-watching hang outs.

In addition to those common occurences I've started to enjoy the outdoors again. I've been walking around a lot more and getting out. Went to a concert (Yellow Ostrich-really like their new album and bought it on vinyl but was in a strangely shy mood so I didn't talk to the band) at TT the Bear's in Cambridge...then went to this bar called Enormous Room that I really enjoyed. It has a loungy feel with many platforms and cushions, which I liked. Also went to the MFA a couple days ago where they have this amazing glass exhibit, organized by Chihuly.

Nice.

Well anyways

those are things I thought would be worth mentioning.

Oh and I had a delicious dinner tonight.

love.love.love.

Claudia

ps also im eating mango mochi right now and its so delicious

If I was a bear

I could hibernate through this weather,

and maybe by June it would resemble summer.

Perceptions

Posting has crossed my mind often. I log into my blogger account pretty regularly, but I can never bring myself about to post anything. I was thinking about this last night when I felt an impulse to change that. However I often find that the times writing a post crosses my mind, are the times when my mind is plagued with unpleasant thoughts that I have trouble justifying. This is coupled with the fact that my life has kept me too busy from sketching (thereby rendering me no sketches to post) or developing the roll of film in my camera.

Ever since I've had this blog, years ago, I find myself most likely to post at night. It is at night that I have the loneliest thoughts, though I can never figure out how they compare to daytime thoughts. I can't tell if my truest emotions come out before bed, or if I fall into an overly sentimental, false confidence at this time of day...not really reflecting how I feel about my life.

Well a few weeks ago especially I felt like I had fallen into this funk, and aspects of it have still carried over, though their legitimacy I do not know. One of the re-ocurring problems from this past month or so is the feeling I impulsively get upon entering my apartment, or engaging with my roommates. It's something I really have trouble explaining considering how home-y people say our place is, and how much I do respect each of my roommates. This is why I wonder if I am partly crazy (I'm partly sure I am). I'll randomly feel as though I am being judged, or as if everyone else gets along with eachother better than they do with me. But I can't really pin down empirical examples beyond the sarcastic off-hand comments we all make to eachother. It's a strange predicament to feel trapped in, especially with my new-found confidence that is present in my life nearly every day.

When I was in the lowest of these places, I tried so desperately to explain it to a friend. We sat out front and I tried to pinpoint my feelings with a variety of vocabulary. I even tried to explain my funk by attributing it to my opposition to vocabulary in general. I found that the more I tried to explain whatever it was, the more distanced I felt from the idea that I was trying to explain, and the harder it would be for me to grasp any real concept. Anything my friend said I found unsatisfactory, mainly because I understood the intent of all the advice but didn't think any of it pinpointed what I was getting at.

This reminds me of another friend who later told me she had gone through a funk of her own, that no one could pull her out of. I felt a bit bad that I hadn't known about it, but she acknowledged that she didn't think she could be pulled out of it. And it's strange, but I have felt better in the past week than I did last month- which may be due to the weather (which got better but has fallen back into cold and wet).

In general, I really am trying to live in the present and feel good about the direction I seem to be going in. However I can't help but wonder if the things that do bother me are going to disappear with time, or if I am holding onto them. I don't understand why I feel excluded in my own apartment, and I don't know if I am making it all up. Often before any type of confrontation has occurred, I find myself lost in entire narratives in my mind-based around an idea or issue I perceive to exist. I know that my subconscious must be speaking on behalf of the other people, but the conversations surprise even myself. It's as if I'm prepping myself for what I believe is about to be an issue. But then such an issue is never confronted, and I don't know if this means I am supposed to be causing confrontation, or if it means I am being unreasonably defensive.

--------------------------------------------------------

On top of this I've been planning on getting in touch with a lot of people, in some cases writing someone back and in other cases writing for the first time. I tell myself that I have geniounely been too busy to do these things, but I can't tell if that's my justification, or forgetfulness. I think it's both actually. Things like that should change starting next week when I do have more time. (I can't even really imagine what my lifestyle will be like next week, when school is done and I begin my summer in Boston with little responsibilities.)

With some of those people I think getting in touch is really critical for myself, a somewhat selfish reason to contact someone. I think before I do that, I'll be stuck unable to explain how I feel about relationships around me. I think most of the people I want to reach out to are people I have for some reason blocked from my mind, and have trouble letting in. I also think that after a certain amount of time I start to feel guilty and then I let the feeling of guilt over power any other sense of responsibility. To the point where the only explanation I give people on the issue is "I can't even explain it". But I think that's because I can't. I think i need time to sit and meditate on a lot of things in my life, and I haven't found or made the time to do so.

Anyways,

these are some of my nighttime thoughts, so I figured I'd give posting a shot.

(Also everytime I write "anyways" I remember a time when someone told me how annoyed they get by the extra "s" people add onto that word. But it just flows so much better.)

love.love.love.

Claudia

Falling in an abandoned alpaca farm

Spring Break Featuring Ali, Elizabeth, and Estelle.

Pesadilla

My whole weekend feels planned. And my next two months feel a bit like that too. I woke up late today from what felt like a nightmare. I was home and only had two days left and all I wanted was to stay. But it felt so real and familiar. And the dream felt like such a tease. I woke up, rolled over to flip on the radio so I could figure out what time it was based on the programming. Then I pulled up my computer and started to see how much it would cost to escape. I dont know why I thought I would stumble across a flight that wouldnt be much more than a hundred. So then I felt defeated. I feel annoyed that I can't go home tomorrow for a visit.

Of coure tomorrow won't work anyways because I have work, as I do today. Lately I've been working weekends consistantly. I hope I start working other days soon. It's April now and there's snow on the ground (which is clearly an April Fools from God). I only have this weekend and next weekend before the art show. [Register for classes next Friday.] Which I'm terrified for. I really need to be working on that. Then the following weekend is Easter Break...but I think I'll just stay here. I don't want to ask for time off of work, so it seems easier to stay. Then the weekend after that is our last weekend before reviews and study days. This is always a strange time of year because you can take a short amount of time and see all of the things that you will have to do. Namely 3 papers, a presentation, an art final, and a sit down final. I think that's it.

WHERE DID THE SUNSHINE GO?

In other news,

I color-coded the dvds and they look pretty good. I also put a spot light above the record player (which is in the fireplace) so we can see the records and such easily at night. We now have two bins full of records, a-l is especially full. We have our large big round black sinky chair in the kitchen by the table.

My friend just texted me that he is locked out of his apartment. It looks dreadful out so he'll be here and we can 'have a pj party' for an hour before I get to campus to watch this documentary for class.

Meep.

I gotsta eat breakfast/lunch!

love.love.love.

Budget for the Federal Government

So the national budget was originally supposed to be decided March fourth. But due to the GOP and Democrat disagreement on budget cuts (GOP wants to cut most funding social programs such as Planned Parenthood, NPR, Americorps... in order to save billions but Democrats call this "irresponsible" and regressive)-

Obama extended the deadline by three weeks, April 8th. In this way he could avoid a government shutdown (when all government related offices and jobs in the cities shut down until there is a compromise) in hopes that the two parties woud come to an agreement.

I still doubt there will be much of a compromise, but this three week extension is a good time to show the country why we need to save these social services that often benefit the poor and people of color. They are currently available to the public...for good reasons.

(One thing the Republicans proposed should be cut was money for emergency relief-such as in the case of tsunamis...)

So I'm feeling good today because Riley and I are going to a rally for Planned Parenthood. She proposed we do this and I felt lazy initially but then realized I often complain about how apathetic my generation is and how we need to act. So we're going to go and then study in the city.

Today is a glorious day.

love.love.love.

Love Box

Now if spatial limitations were put aside,

and if had a beautiful box,

worthy enough for its contents,

i would fill it with my love.

If I had a box I would fill it with my love,

and you the receiver,

would have to put at least

multiple

rubber bands to keep it closed.

And while we're hypothetical,

there must be no surprise in the variety enclosed.

For not only are there notes and pictures and letters,

but there are

sighs of relief

and

gasps of wonder

and

tears of joy

and all these things will be about the love.

There will be

soft exhales

and

scented perfume

and the cups of tea we shared.

I have yet to measure these,

but it should go without saying that they fit.

They fit with my embrace

and rosy cheeks

and throw blankets.

OH

and I'm also going to put words in there

but I won't write them down because they'll have more of an impact

if they just explode out of the box and hover

They are:

socks,cliffs,sand,carpets,highways

to name a few.

Not to mention the cliché

kisses

that you will feel.

If I had a box

I would fill it with my love

and me, the sender,

would fill it to the brim

with everything to sustain anything

Good Place

1. Classes.

I'm really enjoying all of them (one is a bit boring, I'll admit)

Collage and Mixed Media, International Security and Peace, Relgious Quest, Indigenous Politics of Latin America, Black and Green: Race and Environmental Justice.

Religious Quest: this class compares Christianity, Judaism, and Buddhism. I've never been one for religion, which is why I put off the theology requirement so long. The good news is I think I took it at the perfect time in my life, and I'm getting really into Buddhism. It's a belief system I relate to. I feel like I really understand what it's getting at without having studied it at great length. I've been trying to meditate on my own, and it really makes me feel relaxed and at peace. I still can't block out thoughts, but I like the down time it gives me.

2. Apartment.

Living with Colin, Brittany, Ali, and Elizabeth...and I like that we all came back from studying in a different country. One think I especially like that we're doing is a meal system.

Every night, Sunday through Thursday, a different person makes dinner. And it has been working marvelously because then each person spends time making their dinner for the week. We save so much money doing it, and I feel we are eating really healthy food (or at least healthier than most people of campus). We want to take a picture before each meal to make a 1911 cookbook of sorts. Last Thursday I made chicken terriyaki with veggies, apples, and rice.

3. Work.

The exciting news is that I just got a job today! Until now I was just working one shift at Addies and have been feeling a bit bored of it (the free customized pizza is fantastic, but I've been working there since freshman year). So today I got a call back from this place called Moogies which is a restaurant about ten minutes from where I live. It'll be perfect because I have all my Wednesdays and Fridays free, and I can work on the weekends.

It just makes me feel more in balance to know that these things are going well. Every once in a while I feel overwhelmed by time and things going on in my daily life, but I feel like I have all the factors to be in a good place.

I could go into more detail, but it's a bit intimidating that this post can show up on someone's compy's newsfeed instantly.

I mean I'm kidding, but really.

love.love.love.

OH AND WE HAD A GREAT 90s PARTY i was miss britney spears and tried to be flirty but its not in my nature

Technology

Technology is alienating me. I'm almost positive of it.

I have been thinking about how I have a Mac (which I find superior to other computers) but how I really don't use it for much beyong the usual e-mail, facebook, blogs, class assignments, pictures.

That seems like such a long list of things, but then I see someone else in front of a computer and I watch the way people find information in a fraction of a second. Beyond key board shortcuts, I'm talking about downloading and jumping from profile to profile and opening random blogs in new tabs and finding news stories and multi tasking upon multi tasking upon multitasking.

But instead of feeling intrigued or inspired, I just feel very unsettled.

1. One because I don't know how to do most of that so I wonder if I just am not getting my money's worth out of my computer, or technology.

2. Two because I don't want to feel like I need any of that.

3. Three because technology really seems to bother me more and more each day.

I've been trying to figure out if I've always felt this way, or what has recently triggered this. I have been reflecting on some hypotheses:

1. One is that in Argentina I did not use nearly this much technology. And maybe for 8 months I was in this no-new-technology phase where I wasn't exposed to any new products beyond what I already had. My phone was very simple, pay as you go, hope that your messages go through, keep it brief. I of course used my computer to skype pretty often, but I never felt like I had anything scheduled out. Though I used facebook to keep in touch with people, I also felt like we were all kind of doing our own thing.

2. Two is that my generation has seen ridiculous(ly new) advances in technology. I remember typing programs in fifth grade when it took me two weeks of computer class to type out an instructional paragraph on making peanut butter and jelly. I think I kept up with all of these advances pretty well until about a year or two ago. And I think at this point I stopped trying to keep up (or forgot to keep up) and it's not until NOW that I feel like everyone has kept up but me.

Either way, I have noticed in these past few days that I judge people who talk about technology. I judge people who aren't bothered by being asked to 'be the first to like' something on a website that is NOT facebook, but knows that you have a facebook. I don't like how "it" knows our location, and I don't like how people use this to their advantage in order to find directions or get somewhere. I don't like when I ask people to look things up on their phone. I hate when I want to watch maybe one or two youtube videos, but I'm with several people and it turns into an hour of them.

I dont like that I feel like I have to keep up. I don't like the idea of getting a "smart phone", and I wonder if I can just not.

I want to be lost somewhere anywhere. I want to use maps that I carry in my pocket. I want to have hour long conversations with people about things that I actually think are meaningful. I want to take walks. I want to read books instead of online articles (which are cheaper, so I hate that I like that) so that I'm not thinking about the screen flashing light and information at me.

Speaking of technology. Every Mondays from 6-7 my housemate Brittany Bieber and I are doing an environmental talk/music/poetry radio show called ORGANIC THOUGHT. And you can stream it live at wzbc.org or listen to it through archives up to two weeks after the show. WZBC Newton 90.3 And I'm really excited about that.

I have a lot of topics to address, not all of which are nearly as negative as this post-but this has been something that has been consuming my thoughts.

love.love.love.