Why do you expect me to explain more after I say I Don't Know

I am laying in bed with music layered on top of rain through the open window, layering the t humming behind it. Those things and my heartbeat. With the sheet as my pajamas I became conscious of my left hand resting on top of it. I let my thougths drift to why it was placing it there. I vaguely recalled the thoughts traveling through my brain at this moment, and do not know if this triggered the acknowledgment of my heartbeat. Kind of like the way I was drifting into replicating something well-known (like acting, or playing some game) but placing myself as the focus. Trying so hard to remember more specifically what it could have been. It was like a story I needed to duplicate. I was eager to tell you but lost it upon acknowledging that I was drifting with a thought that utterly surprised me at every step down into what would soon become sleep. Kind of like the part I could hold onto this morning, where I woke up and immediately said something to the effect of "don't go in the fire though" or "don't let the fire get on you!" something so non sensical. My justification was that I thought I was responding to your dream, but I was in a completely separate one. Earlier when I was on the computer I thought about how the only thing I want on facebook is messages, but only in the way that I don't want anyone else/facebook to have anything more either. Half of me thinks about how ridiculous this is. Not only is it ridiculous that I think everyone should have the same standards or desire to hault development, if even a website, by why do I bother to think about it when what I'm thinking about is not real. Thats ridiculous. You don't have to think about real things.

Yesterday on the porch I was thinking (a verb i really seem to need a thesaurus for) that I possibly am always thinking about one thing. I don't even want to associate a word with it because its so heavy to some it up into a category with such varied connotations. It's not hard for you to figure this out though. I'll explain. Every thought I think about, often I find, is premised on the underlying black and white thought of impact. A decision to not do simple actions is based on this. The larger actions of existence come down to more of a moral process, but I feel like I have a basic instict for prefering anything that sounds simple or natural or broken down. More descriptions would not help because the synonyms will drift farther apart from those.

What made me decide to write just now at all, was the idea that I could calm down by reaching for paper and tacking "i think im crazy" onto the wall next to me. I'm always thinking about how I could sharpie all over my walls but I think I would feel too pressured to do that. So instead I often imagine writing phrases in large font across my walls, usually tacked up like reminders. Some of them stretch a few feet (most of the ones that get me thinking about this idea are).

When I'm walking they're song lyrics. But then they're not tacked up at all, they're floating in mid air. I suppose the way I imagine it is being able to kind of magically project, but in more of a script than cold font, lines as they run through a song. The song of course is omnipresent, but not in a large stereo-booming shocking sort of way. Though everyone can hear it, its more of a personal sound system that surrounds you, rather than something you are uncomfortably aware everyone is hearing being shouted at them. The bit about the way the song plays is something that I've proposed to some people. I like to end it with "i'm going to invent that" which isnt completely ridiculous despite it seeming un-real.