you're my golden footprint

Yesterday I finished the Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. In this book, one of the main characters has an ongoing affair with a woman who is having an affair with a married man named Franz. After Franz and the woman, Sabina, end their affair, she continues to have a strong impact on his life. Of Sabina, Franz says, "Sabina's physical presence was much less important than he had suspected. What was important was the golden footprint, the magic footprint she had left on his life and no one could ever remove".

I've been thinking a lot about that passage in the past few days, and I think you're a bit like that for me. Due to the nature of our distance, I see you so infrequently that the majority of our interactions take place from afar. Actually, the majority of our interactions may take no effort on your part, but are rather thoughts I have that involve you, or thoughts of what I perceive to be your daily life.

Sometimes after I've enjoyed a really great meal, or had a pleasant interaction, I instinctively think of you. I think of how you too would have liked that moment. If I spend time by myself and feel really calm or productive, I imagine you being proud of me. But this doesn't have to mean that you're my raison d'être. I'm at an age that I think it would be looked down upon for you to be. But I can't help having you in mind.

So I was thinking that maybe there is comfort in the distance, though I do despise it so. It becomes the norm and maybe that's why the short periods are so hard to deal with. In the morning I can picture you waking up, having tea or sitting around. I can imagine how you sit with your computer or how you yawn. I was thinking that maybe there is magic in the images I have. So that when I do see you, it's strange that I don't have to guess, I can just see how you act...and maybe that throws me off.

There is of course, the thought that I am wrong. I can become so sure of how I think you would act in a given scenario, without knowing if you would in fact act that way. Yet I believe myself to have the right impression, which can be dangerous. But I feel that strange mysterious connection to you the way Franz thinks of Sabina. It's a motivation to enjoy something as you would want me to.

You play a very important role in my life. I'd like to think it's understood and that you can understand my thoughts from where you are. Never far.

love.love.love.

Unveiling

You painted me as an angel.

With your flowery language

my being was that of another world-

sun spots in photos,

images floating,

dancing,

drifting along.

We drifted far away,

abandoned the others

and made this world foreign.

You held me in the tips of your fingers,

perched gently,

balanced.

Then as we leaped in the air,

I slipped.

There is no slow motion,

and our reaction was earthly;

like a porcelain statuette,

your angel fell to the earth.

I shattered upon contact,

and was bare before you.

Embarrassed,

you saw I was no angel,

no saving grace,

no post mortem miracle.

Why?

The first time I heard Why? I was driving with Nate on the way back from Montaña de Oro. It was a song playing on KCPR and we wrote down the song on a random page in the back of my journal. Actually, Nate wrote it down. I think he wrote gemini birthday song, something of the sort. He also wrote down rjd2 which must have been the next song on the radio. And he drew a face with a very french looking mustache. I was driving. Later I think I tried to google or youtube the song, but I didn't think I found it. I'm not sure if I just didn't recognize it, or if I couldn't find the right song. It was when you gave me Why? on a cd mix that I thought I was hearing the artist for the first time. It's strange that you hooked me with that song because it was random and atypical of the ones usually on your mixes. How did you do that? Why? is one of my favorite artists.

I like Why? because I consider him very fatalistic. I'm not sure if I consider him pessimistic. The lyrics are often morbid, reference death, martyrs, pain, age. I always think they're spot on. Sometimes when I sing along I realize how morbid some of the lines are. I feel like singing along is a test or a dare to say it, to admit it might be true.

We love and hate like the tatooed fist,
We have to change if we're going to stay together
'Cause I say rain when it's only a drizzle,
I want to kiss like taffy-
Hump gentle on a bed of nails.
Do you still pray about me
in your quiet time?
When we're on different sides of the globe
I thought we'd keep our veins tangled
like a pair of mic cables,
I don't want to dance with your shadow no more.
There is no grace in act five
I wanna do the dirt
like the dead leaves do