you're my golden footprint

Yesterday I finished the Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. In this book, one of the main characters has an ongoing affair with a woman who is having an affair with a married man named Franz. After Franz and the woman, Sabina, end their affair, she continues to have a strong impact on his life. Of Sabina, Franz says, "Sabina's physical presence was much less important than he had suspected. What was important was the golden footprint, the magic footprint she had left on his life and no one could ever remove".

I've been thinking a lot about that passage in the past few days, and I think you're a bit like that for me. Due to the nature of our distance, I see you so infrequently that the majority of our interactions take place from afar. Actually, the majority of our interactions may take no effort on your part, but are rather thoughts I have that involve you, or thoughts of what I perceive to be your daily life.

Sometimes after I've enjoyed a really great meal, or had a pleasant interaction, I instinctively think of you. I think of how you too would have liked that moment. If I spend time by myself and feel really calm or productive, I imagine you being proud of me. But this doesn't have to mean that you're my raison d'être. I'm at an age that I think it would be looked down upon for you to be. But I can't help having you in mind.

So I was thinking that maybe there is comfort in the distance, though I do despise it so. It becomes the norm and maybe that's why the short periods are so hard to deal with. In the morning I can picture you waking up, having tea or sitting around. I can imagine how you sit with your computer or how you yawn. I was thinking that maybe there is magic in the images I have. So that when I do see you, it's strange that I don't have to guess, I can just see how you act...and maybe that throws me off.

There is of course, the thought that I am wrong. I can become so sure of how I think you would act in a given scenario, without knowing if you would in fact act that way. Yet I believe myself to have the right impression, which can be dangerous. But I feel that strange mysterious connection to you the way Franz thinks of Sabina. It's a motivation to enjoy something as you would want me to.

You play a very important role in my life. I'd like to think it's understood and that you can understand my thoughts from where you are. Never far.

love.love.love.