My College Decision...

So I'm not really sure how this happened, but last night/today I somehow decided that I am going to Boston College. It was that or BU. I think I would love either, and I think BC will do just fine. Sarah Barry is going to BU which is nice because I'll know someone really close by and when I freak out and panic due to stress or what have you, I will call her and escape for a bit.
It's nice that I know where I am going, yeah. I'm still very tired and stressed because there is so much going on in life, but that is okay (I do not see that changing anytime soon).
Today was an odd day. I was only at 5/7 classes because we (interact board) went to Rotary's meeting and gave a presentation. After school I made up a quiz, then I went to linnaeas with cameron and john. I was in a bit of a weird, and probably awkward mood. Hopefully they will let it slide because we are friends and I get odd at times. I went back to linnaea's to hang out with saryls and caitlin, then took the bus home. The bus was nice because I read english and thought about life. I (still) really enjoy taking the city buses.

So I guess today was a big day. I hear people saying "Well it's just college...four years...whatever" and I like to play along...
things are going to start changing.

I Like To Pretend!

Music.
I love when a certain smell hits you and with it comes a stream of memories. Or even just an instant. The way one smell can bring you back to a table made from a door on your back porch a few summers ago. Or the way a store might suddenly cause you to remember the time when you created piles of leaves in the parking lot to jump into. Or how my bed on the floor might remind me of reading the harry potter book the summer when we still owned our old house and my aunt gave me the book with a ribbon around it; i stayed in bed late and it was bright outside.
I also like looking at pictures which I can say are part of a memory, or are "old". I wonder what makes a picture old. Freshman year? Yeah. Sophomore year? In some instances.
I like the pictures of myself as a child. I want to sit down and show them to people.

Sensual French Roasted Bean

I am sure there are a great deal of people who think I am a huge pessimist. They are wrong. The truth is that I am an extreme optimist and it is my optimism that gets me in situations like this.



I am thinking that the most dangerous thing I could do would be to speak my mind. Which is too bad because that sentence is something I would like to say I strongly am opposed to. Let's think about it though..
yup, it's true. It's true because I guess if I was them I would be annoyed with Claudia too. Which leaves me wondering what is okay for me to say or do. And that also bothers me that I think that because I do not usually think you should change who you are for someone else. (Does that still apply if you don't have a very good sense of who you are?) But maybe sometimes one needs to realize that they should change in some circumstances.
This is a vague explanation of what is really going on in my head, but I think I articulated it fairly well.

I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!

You know how there are people who fear rejection? I've never really considered myself one of those people. This afternoon however, I started wondering if I am just that. I do not know anymore.
My trip to Boston was good for a myriad of reasons, but I am now left feeling possibly more confused than ever before (in many aspects of my life). Today I felt easily irritated and frustrated with silly circumstances and things being said. Even things my friends would say I would jump at. Im stressing hardxcore all over again and freaking out about anything. The next few weeks: senior ditch day, the play, birthdays, prom, 24 hr relay, graduation. Good things? Yes. But right now those aren't helping. There is way too much going on and I can't handle it. I'm just freaking out and I feel like there are so many contradictions. It's gotten to the point where I don't even know what "be yourself" means. I don't know. Rambling.

love.love.love.

I Guess I've Always Needed To Be Needed By Someone

The rest of this school year is going to be bizarre. I'm not going to pin emotions to how i'm feeling right now... That doesn't mean i'm feeling numb, i think i'm just feeling a combination of many things. Different things happening at the same time. There are people who I want to be closer. I'll be driving and feel like I should stop by, then I realize they are not home, or it simply just does not make sense. I had a bit of a break down driving home tonight. I guess we were told that could happen. You know, the whole "it may hit some later than others" but I don't really know if that was it really. Thoughts were just overwhelming.
Hoorah for confusion!
It's hard to say too much without sounding insensitive.
Some great things are happening.