I Cannot Depend.

So I feel even more lost than before. We try and tell ourselves it is silly to worry about college, there are more important things, and while this is true...hearing back from colleges kind of IS a big deal. Especially when many of your friends get into the school of your first choice when you do not. I mean, I took college classes, two sciences this year, I went as far as AP Calc, always challenged myself, did extra curriculars and got involved in groups at school, played sports, did theatre, (thought I) got good test scores...and in the end it didn't matter. It didn't help. I feel I am supposed to get a lesson from this and I could put one in to words...but it would be very pessimistic.
So now I don't have any idea where I'll go...but I'm pretty sure I'll be going out of state. Part of me always wanted to do this...but there are reasons that I am "scared" to. I won't get homesick, but it would be nice to be closer to home. I want to know someone at my school, at least one person. I just don't know. I think this summer I will get a job out of state because I need to prove to myself that I am not dependent on certain things. I've spent far too much time trying for things that I didn't end up getting. It is not a very good feeling. I know I cannot blame myself for all of it...but blaming myself is a very easy thing to do.
Maybe I will make myself delicious pancakes. My mother comes back from Peru today...I'll see friends tonight...and I'll hang out with my bestie tomorrow.

love.love.love.

An Over Abundance of Blogs

I'm pretty tired about freaking out and worrying about things. Which is interesting because I don't even think I've been freaking out or worrying all that much. I am also tired of talking about things...kind of. It is hard to make such a generalization because there are times i really do want to talk about things. It's just that I don't want to have conversations because I'm obliged to...I only want real conversations, or silence. I also don't want to say fancy sentences all the time and come across as someone who's full of it...i'm not really full of anything. I'm just a person. I mean, a really fucking amazing person who is way above you...but ya know. I like seeing some of my friends who know that cuddling is affection between friends. Come cuddle me, it doesn't have to "mean" something. Too bad we're not all on the same page, oh well.

Going camping tomorrow. I'll be camping while everyone will be logging on to see if they got into berkeley. Hope they get in...but if I don't get in, i hope none of them get in and that we're all miserable together. Just kidding! Kind of! Not really!

love.love.love

I am not at that instance.

I feel like I finally am done with it. Sometimes I need to say vague sentences like that even though I know they will only make sense to me. I guess there are different ways to move on. Maybe I am choosing a more dramatic approach. It's probably only dramatic in my head. The more and more I talk about something I'm afraid of, the fear becomes less of a big deal and almost seems frivolous or made up. I don't know whats going to happen, which is perfectly normal because no one knows completely. No one. I do a pretty good job at analyzing myself...I guess that sounds unhealthy, but I think it's okay. Sometimes I let friends help me. It's a struggle because I feel like I want to explain everything right now, but I just can't. We can't explain everything. I guess in some rare instances it is safe to do so, but I am not at that instance.

Sickies and Spring Break Do Not Mix.

My break has been excellent so far...but I have the sickies. I've been ignoring them the past few days, but today I really do not feel well enough to drive around and see people. I'm all for people visiting me at home though, so maybe that will happen. Thursday I had a French party with friends after school (minimum day so we got out at 1) and we watched Amelie. Which was amazing, of course. Then I saw Mitchell downtown because he was in San Luis for an hour. And we exchanged stories. He gave me a box of goodies including a cd mix, the new postsecret book, a home-made wallet, polaroids... I met my family and then met Tara at the PAC where we saw a Flamenco show. Afterwards Tara and I went to Denny's and had sophisticated and deep conversations, as usual. Yesterday I hung out with Julia and then went with Hillary and her band (Little Nation) to a show in Lompoc. That was an adventure. So break is good. Spring break reminds me of Nicole and Alyssa when we spent a lot of break hanging out two years ago. Nicole is at ND right now, but I hope to be seeing Alyssa. So that has been my break.
I hear back from Berkeley in five days.
Life is pretty good right now. My maja is in Peru with students from her Spanish classes. I'll be expecting some postcards :)
love.love.love.

I'm Glad We Are Too

Well I got into Santa Cruz. I still have no idea where I'm going next year, but it is still nice to know I got in there. I haven't slept too much this weekend. Both friday and saturday have involved me going to bed at 3am or later. The weekend has been good, a lot of laughs.
I'm feeling alright lately. It's crazy to think that in two weeks I'll have heard back from all these colleges and will be deciding where I'll be the next four years. It's very up in the air right now. I also feel a bit confused about what it is I want. Not just with college, but with life. What am I looking for? What impression am I trying to give? I'm kind of just letting whatever happen, without forcing anything...and I guess that is working okay. I feel like I'm running out of time. Last night as I drove up to Paso I was thinking about how I want to do all these things in the next few months, because I won't be able to later. I want to get all this stuff done, now. I'm constantly meeting new people (which is a good thing) but friday night I was talking to a friend about how sometimes we feel we don't have time to meet NEW people because our time with the old friends is so limited. And I wonder to myself "should i be meeting all these new people?". Yeah, yeah I guess so. Just because that's what I do. Next year things will be very different. Best friends will stay best or good friends. Friends may become acquaintances. Acquaintances may disappear. This post is getting to be a downer, and it shouldn't be.
Maybe I'll cook myself some lunch now...then I'll finish up kite runner. . .

lovelovelove

Self Realizations?

This past week has been very odd to me because, as always, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And while maybe the situations might not be the happiest, the thinking is for the best.
I was going to continue to describe these realizations, but maybe it would be better if I reflect on them more?
I'm not sure what I'm trying to articulate exactly. Part of me wants to ramble on about all this shit, but I guess it's more of something I'd need to talk about with a friend one-on-one.
Thus far, this whole post is pointless.
The good thing is I see what's happening to me, so I can change it.
Because really, things ARE good.
We all have the right to get sad, even if our sadness may not compare to what someone else goes through. The fact of the matter is, if you're sad that's how you are, and that's okay.
Lately when I realize how little I talk about myself I feel frustrated. And the times when I have talked about myself have been good. There you go, there's a realization. So I've been talking about myself without being like "MRAR LISTEN TO ME!".


I don't have a good way to wrap this up,
other than....
i think i'm okay.
(kind of)
((for the most part))

love.love.love.

Sounds So Much Better In My Head (Everything)

Obviously when I'm cold I shiver at times. But I have this thing where if I'm not even that cold, if I'm scared or nervous or upset my body starts shaking violently. But I try to hide it so that people don't ask if I'm cold. One such technique to hide it is: rock in the chair so that is the only movement they see!
...



I went to bike night tonight.
I also ran out of gas on the freeway today.
And missed out on the best part of the best book sale of the year.

I also gave up on talking about anything relevant,
now I just share stories
and pessimistic sentences.


I give shitty advice because I say what I think would be right. I'm never right, I don't know anything! yay!


but I do know that I this spring break I'll see a friend in San Diego for a bit and stay with her. Maybe that'll be super sweet. Actually, it'll be awesome.

hate.hate.hate.
(love.love.love.)

It's Soft Edge Might Cut You

I thought I would take this time to attempt to describe my terrible mood. It's that feeling all over again where my body will feel sick when my head does. The only way I could properly breathe is to take full breaths, and that's hard to do. And I'm realizing a few things lately: I can't really talk about myself. When I do I either feel ridiculous, whiny, or what I say doesn't make sense outloud. Also (and I suppose I already knew this) the littlest things kill me and cause me to think in my head "i hate life i hate life i hate life". Also, once I'm feeling sad, even if I'm in a positive environment, any little thing will make me feel sad all over again.
And I'm regressing into immaturity.
It's hard when every sentence I say is contradicting itself in my head. Am I maturing? Yes, a lot. Am I regressing into immaturity? Yes. Do I give up and feel hopeless? Absolutely. But I also know that I could never fully give up. Do I think I am worthless and that I help nothing and no one? Yes, but I know that there are people I do help and people that do not think I am worthless at all. It's just that when I feel down it's really easy to make generalizations like "I feel hopeless".
I really like the idea of pretending everything is okay, and never explaining anything. But I also hate hearing two people act like there is nothing to say and acting like they don't know each other when they could be having a great conversation.
I really don't understand anything.
My first thought this morning "on a scale from 1-10 how terrible do i look? TEN!".

But in other news: Things could (always) be worse.


lovelovelove

I Should Have Saved It

(but i didnt. it's in my head though.)


it's funny, earlier today i was thinking about how i should have posted yesterday, because leap years don't come around too often, every four years to be exact.
so im currently in a very unhappy mood. and i get like this quite easily.
I'm not sure if I talk about what's important.
Sometimes I don't know what's important.
Or it just doesn't make sense out loud.

I haven't much liked high school. I guess a lot happened and we "learned stuff". I made some solid friends, I changed. But really? How much of it did I enjoy? Sure there were great times, with friends. Salsa dancing, bowling, movie nights, stargazing, sleepovers of all kinds, driving, concerts, exchanges, moving, farmers, thrifting, working, beaches, lakes, traveling. And yeah that adds up, and yeah I'll remember. But there were also these SHITTY times. To be expected right? Yeah I know. But Sophomore year? I could have done without. Mistakes. Junior year? Nothing-changes. Senior year? Friends away, totally different lives, longing, heartbreaks, downhill, change, change, change. IT'S PART OF THE PROCESS. fuck the process. that's how I feel right now. fuck the process. When this school year ends in three months I'll think "what a waste". What a waste for the things I started and never finished, for the half-assed attitudes and lack of effort, for the immaturity, the uncertainty, the talks about nothing that should have been about something, the trying to catch up, the failures to connect, and the times when things should have gotten better and didn't. Didn't.
And for all those times, I feel like this. God, I don't even know what "this" is. And no one can ever understand be fully, not just because I don't understand myself fully, but because I ramble about such bullshit no one knows what I'm talking about and I couldn't be real because what the fuck is real? Oh hi Claudia, lighten up.

But anyways,
things are lookin' great. In a few months I'll have moved on from all of this and nothing will mean anything. Total lie, but hey.
I don't really know what I'm talking about. I do, but only partly. I only partly know what I'm talking about, what does that say? It says that I'm just like a lot of you.
I left my boots in the bathroom.
And I haven't cried in two years.


(lovelovelove)