I Should Have Saved It

(but i didnt. it's in my head though.)


it's funny, earlier today i was thinking about how i should have posted yesterday, because leap years don't come around too often, every four years to be exact.
so im currently in a very unhappy mood. and i get like this quite easily.
I'm not sure if I talk about what's important.
Sometimes I don't know what's important.
Or it just doesn't make sense out loud.

I haven't much liked high school. I guess a lot happened and we "learned stuff". I made some solid friends, I changed. But really? How much of it did I enjoy? Sure there were great times, with friends. Salsa dancing, bowling, movie nights, stargazing, sleepovers of all kinds, driving, concerts, exchanges, moving, farmers, thrifting, working, beaches, lakes, traveling. And yeah that adds up, and yeah I'll remember. But there were also these SHITTY times. To be expected right? Yeah I know. But Sophomore year? I could have done without. Mistakes. Junior year? Nothing-changes. Senior year? Friends away, totally different lives, longing, heartbreaks, downhill, change, change, change. IT'S PART OF THE PROCESS. fuck the process. that's how I feel right now. fuck the process. When this school year ends in three months I'll think "what a waste". What a waste for the things I started and never finished, for the half-assed attitudes and lack of effort, for the immaturity, the uncertainty, the talks about nothing that should have been about something, the trying to catch up, the failures to connect, and the times when things should have gotten better and didn't. Didn't.
And for all those times, I feel like this. God, I don't even know what "this" is. And no one can ever understand be fully, not just because I don't understand myself fully, but because I ramble about such bullshit no one knows what I'm talking about and I couldn't be real because what the fuck is real? Oh hi Claudia, lighten up.

But anyways,
things are lookin' great. In a few months I'll have moved on from all of this and nothing will mean anything. Total lie, but hey.
I don't really know what I'm talking about. I do, but only partly. I only partly know what I'm talking about, what does that say? It says that I'm just like a lot of you.
I left my boots in the bathroom.
And I haven't cried in two years.


(lovelovelove)