So I feel even more lost than before. We try and tell ourselves it is silly to worry about college, there are more important things, and while this is true...hearing back from colleges kind of IS a big deal. Especially when many of your friends get into the school of your first choice when you do not. I mean, I took college classes, two sciences this year, I went as far as AP Calc, always challenged myself, did extra curriculars and got involved in groups at school, played sports, did theatre, (thought I) got good test scores...and in the end it didn't matter. It didn't help. I feel I am supposed to get a lesson from this and I could put one in to words...but it would be very pessimistic.
So now I don't have any idea where I'll go...but I'm pretty sure I'll be going out of state. Part of me always wanted to do this...but there are reasons that I am "scared" to. I won't get homesick, but it would be nice to be closer to home. I want to know someone at my school, at least one person. I just don't know. I think this summer I will get a job out of state because I need to prove to myself that I am not dependent on certain things. I've spent far too much time trying for things that I didn't end up getting. It is not a very good feeling. I know I cannot blame myself for all of it...but blaming myself is a very easy thing to do.
Maybe I will make myself delicious pancakes. My mother comes back from Peru today...I'll see friends tonight...and I'll hang out with my bestie tomorrow.
love.love.love.
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I know I cannot blame myself for all of it...but blaming myself is a very easy thing to do.
you said it love. but in the end, we did all we could. went as far as we could go. and we have to convince ourselves that we're ok with that.
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