These past few days I have felt really good about life. I just feel calm about everything. It's not that anything is GREAT it's just that things are going well. I'll go into it some other time maybe.
Currently: algjwoerwg. Why the sudden shift? Because of college stuff. I'm done with UC, pretty much done with CSU, and am now doing five other schools. (Oh, and I hear back from four tomorrow...) It's just stressful, the different envelopes and writing stuff and how to print it and what not. I mean, it's all pretty petty.
But really, other than that, I cannot complain.
This weekend has some things to look forward to (though I should start studying for finals soon) and though the next month will be crazy, I am not dreading too much. I've been thinking about things lately. Not necessarily anything in particular, but just random things. Like the way when you look straight up at the sky you can't find a point to end and focus on, because the sky keeps going. I've also just been thinking about people, about who they are, etc. In terms of who EYE am, well I'm okay with who I am currently. Sometimes the ways I've changed frustrates me, but I've come to accept the way things are now, and the fact that overall they're better.
A few odd habits lately, such as: When I see someone I know at school or walking down the street, I am often incapable of calling for his or her attention. Instead I'll just wave, and if they fail to see me, I'll keep walking (as if there was no other way to get their attention). It's odd.
Sorry about this blog, I just thought I should write something. Thoughts are a bit ...unrelated.
Goodnight!
Need to finish things for college before bed!
lovelovelove.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Even When I Don't Know What I'm Trying To Cure
Mac n' Cheese (is sure to be) a cure-all.
Yesterday I got to being a bit stressed. It's weird, i haven't been stressing as easily as I normally do. Granted, things have been on my mind and i've been emotional, but i haven't been freaking out about MY life. Last night though, I had a bunch of stuff to do. (ie: homework and a long scholarship application) I felt a bit stressed because I had no time and tons of things to do and didnt know what would be going on today, etc etc...but today turned out well.
The application was mailed, the graduation announcements were ordered, the theology IV test was taken...I came home, picked a "poem", changed, went with Laura and Sydney downtown. Scavenger hunt with people, then left to go to my school. Practice, feel nervous but okay. Coffee night. Hayden, Kelsey, and I were the second act, and I think it went well. So that was nice, and I'm glad that we went towards the beginning, worked really well. Not everyone that I wanted to go, could...but that's okay. It ended at ten which was a bummer, wish it could have gone a bit longer.
Tomorrow is going to be really hectic...but I'm hoping things could work out. I have plans with several different people, but we'll make it work. (Adventures and Concerts and Studying and Dinners)
Also, it has recently come to my attention (repeatedly) that maybe I do have some "issues" to work on. I guess issues isn't really the best word, but I don't like "problems" any more. And maybe you're right, maybe I should do something about it (and maybe I will).
Today turned out well,
I love you call,
and care about you all very much.
lovelovelove
Yesterday I got to being a bit stressed. It's weird, i haven't been stressing as easily as I normally do. Granted, things have been on my mind and i've been emotional, but i haven't been freaking out about MY life. Last night though, I had a bunch of stuff to do. (ie: homework and a long scholarship application) I felt a bit stressed because I had no time and tons of things to do and didnt know what would be going on today, etc etc...but today turned out well.
The application was mailed, the graduation announcements were ordered, the theology IV test was taken...I came home, picked a "poem", changed, went with Laura and Sydney downtown. Scavenger hunt with people, then left to go to my school. Practice, feel nervous but okay. Coffee night. Hayden, Kelsey, and I were the second act, and I think it went well. So that was nice, and I'm glad that we went towards the beginning, worked really well. Not everyone that I wanted to go, could...but that's okay. It ended at ten which was a bummer, wish it could have gone a bit longer.
Tomorrow is going to be really hectic...but I'm hoping things could work out. I have plans with several different people, but we'll make it work. (Adventures and Concerts and Studying and Dinners)
Also, it has recently come to my attention (repeatedly) that maybe I do have some "issues" to work on. I guess issues isn't really the best word, but I don't like "problems" any more. And maybe you're right, maybe I should do something about it (and maybe I will).
Today turned out well,
I love you call,
and care about you all very much.
lovelovelove
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
What If You Never Feel Again?
Listening to Streetlight Manifesto, as instructed by Sean.
Yesterday was pretty alright. I went to waffle night with my friend because i hadn't seen him in a few days. It was cool because there was a large group of people there who I hadn't seen in a while...and though every week I was invited to go to waffle night, this was the first time I'd been able to go in maybe two months. So that was nice.
Now on to Of Montreal.
Today was just kinda blah. I mean to say that I feel like nothing really positive happened. I did, however, play ping pong in the chemistry room during theology 4 class with two friends. So that was pretty sweet because I think people forget she has a ping pong table in the back room. Other than that though, the day was just really lame. And I just feel pretty nothing right now. I dont really want to complain about random shit because the theme in my life right now is that there are so many things worse.
My parents watched Sicko tonight. I saw it over the summer, and sat down to watch the last 45 minutes. I thought I heard my dad sniffling, and i cant recall anytime i've ever seen my dad cry. Which is weird to me. Also reading Brave New World, and it makes me feel like the future is just bad. I know I'll try and make society better, but I can't help to feel as though it's doomed. Because this country is just too selfish and blind. And aren't we going to end up like a 1984 or Brave New World society? Where everything is controlled? I dont know how it will work any other way and it depresses me.
I just feel really exhausted today.
Stupid paper today in physics, didn't catch on fire like it was supposed to.
"I chose to feel it and you couldnt choose"
I'm only four sections behind in calculus.
...
lovelovelove
Yesterday was pretty alright. I went to waffle night with my friend because i hadn't seen him in a few days. It was cool because there was a large group of people there who I hadn't seen in a while...and though every week I was invited to go to waffle night, this was the first time I'd been able to go in maybe two months. So that was nice.
Now on to Of Montreal.
Today was just kinda blah. I mean to say that I feel like nothing really positive happened. I did, however, play ping pong in the chemistry room during theology 4 class with two friends. So that was pretty sweet because I think people forget she has a ping pong table in the back room. Other than that though, the day was just really lame. And I just feel pretty nothing right now. I dont really want to complain about random shit because the theme in my life right now is that there are so many things worse.
My parents watched Sicko tonight. I saw it over the summer, and sat down to watch the last 45 minutes. I thought I heard my dad sniffling, and i cant recall anytime i've ever seen my dad cry. Which is weird to me. Also reading Brave New World, and it makes me feel like the future is just bad. I know I'll try and make society better, but I can't help to feel as though it's doomed. Because this country is just too selfish and blind. And aren't we going to end up like a 1984 or Brave New World society? Where everything is controlled? I dont know how it will work any other way and it depresses me.
I just feel really exhausted today.
Stupid paper today in physics, didn't catch on fire like it was supposed to.
"I chose to feel it and you couldnt choose"
I'm only four sections behind in calculus.
...
lovelovelove
Friday, November 9, 2007
Alaska and Hawaii are not in the Gulf of Mexico
I always have tons of things I want to say, but when I sit down to right them I have trouble recalling it all. Basically...i just feel really anxious and can't focus. Everything reminds me of the same thing, i dont have much of an appetite, and i'm worried. Do you ever wonder what will happen if nothing works out? It's a concern... But let's talk about why people want to be alive:
Maybe one thing is the sunset that we drive by on the way home, over the bay. The gorgeous colors and amazing clouds. Or the music (even if right now it's all telling me the same thing, and all causing me to keep thinking of what we're all trying to deal with). Friends. Because as much as you may think you're alone, they are there and they do care.
I know these next few weeks are going to be hard to focus, especially with college stuff on top. But really things are going to be so much better with tennis over. Yesterday I was exhausted, fell asleep on the drive home, walked through the garage to my room, put on my pjs and crawled in bed. I fell asleep to the new pornographers and woke up on track six of a marvelous mix my friend made me, two hours later. Initially I was confused, had i only been sleeping for six songs? No, i'd slept through a whole cd. It felt amazing.
I need things like this.
Life is hard. There are things that people try and deal with, and you have no idea. Don't always think you KNOW how the other person feels, but do try and work through things together and talk about something.
I just ate a piece of pizza...um. didn't really want to.
Now I am to watch movies with friends. I guess I need that?
I love you all. I can love you even if I've only known you a few months, trust me.
<3
lovelovelove.
Maybe one thing is the sunset that we drive by on the way home, over the bay. The gorgeous colors and amazing clouds. Or the music (even if right now it's all telling me the same thing, and all causing me to keep thinking of what we're all trying to deal with). Friends. Because as much as you may think you're alone, they are there and they do care.
I know these next few weeks are going to be hard to focus, especially with college stuff on top. But really things are going to be so much better with tennis over. Yesterday I was exhausted, fell asleep on the drive home, walked through the garage to my room, put on my pjs and crawled in bed. I fell asleep to the new pornographers and woke up on track six of a marvelous mix my friend made me, two hours later. Initially I was confused, had i only been sleeping for six songs? No, i'd slept through a whole cd. It felt amazing.
I need things like this.
Life is hard. There are things that people try and deal with, and you have no idea. Don't always think you KNOW how the other person feels, but do try and work through things together and talk about something.
I just ate a piece of pizza...um. didn't really want to.
Now I am to watch movies with friends. I guess I need that?
I love you all. I can love you even if I've only known you a few months, trust me.
<3
lovelovelove.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Its Not About How EYE Am
Breathing is kinda hard right now, and I'm not really sure how to explain it more than that.
Right now I have been holding a heart I shaped out of purple play dough. Earlier I also wrapped it around my cow as a blanket, and afterwards as a head piece. I think it just made him colder though.
Me attempting to explain these past two days:
Yesterday started out pretty good for a Monday. With tennis over I feel less stressed. When I got home I called nathan to meet him at the school, because a while earlier he had called me to show me a new way to experience swings at the park. So we both left to meet there. Walking up I had a normal expression, until I saw him standing on top of the slide, at which point a giant smile spread across my face. And we swung and we walked and we talked and it was good. Beautiful time of day, beautiful places. So my monday was feeling solid at that point, until night came around...
In the morning I looked like shit. I got to school, cried, went to classes, took a physics test. Walked around after school. On the way home I called nate (who was sitting behind me, but I though I should call) to see if he wanted to hang out. We sat in my room and we talked and it was really good and much needed. It was just...really real, and honest, and serious but good.
I drove him home, and took my sister to pick up film.
I don't know. (of course)
I wasnt really hungry all day. Had some of my cereal this morning, a banana, yogurt, some cookie, some lasagna... i just had no appetite. As I ate my lasagna I had to force it down because I felt like I was going to throw it all up.
lyricslyricslyrics.
you know how i feel? helpless. I'm just worried that what I do won't change things, and that things are almost predetermined. It's a horrid feeling. I still don't plan on giving up though. I can't let myself.
At dinner i was talking to my dad about nuclear weapons when all of a sudden i stopped mid-sentence, then continued saying "sorry i thought the stove top had a place for a tetris piece"...
and well anyways.
there isn't much i can say right now....
Right now I have been holding a heart I shaped out of purple play dough. Earlier I also wrapped it around my cow as a blanket, and afterwards as a head piece. I think it just made him colder though.
Me attempting to explain these past two days:
Yesterday started out pretty good for a Monday. With tennis over I feel less stressed. When I got home I called nathan to meet him at the school, because a while earlier he had called me to show me a new way to experience swings at the park. So we both left to meet there. Walking up I had a normal expression, until I saw him standing on top of the slide, at which point a giant smile spread across my face. And we swung and we walked and we talked and it was good. Beautiful time of day, beautiful places. So my monday was feeling solid at that point, until night came around...
In the morning I looked like shit. I got to school, cried, went to classes, took a physics test. Walked around after school. On the way home I called nate (who was sitting behind me, but I though I should call) to see if he wanted to hang out. We sat in my room and we talked and it was really good and much needed. It was just...really real, and honest, and serious but good.
I drove him home, and took my sister to pick up film.
I don't know. (of course)
I wasnt really hungry all day. Had some of my cereal this morning, a banana, yogurt, some cookie, some lasagna... i just had no appetite. As I ate my lasagna I had to force it down because I felt like I was going to throw it all up.
lyricslyricslyrics.
you know how i feel? helpless. I'm just worried that what I do won't change things, and that things are almost predetermined. It's a horrid feeling. I still don't plan on giving up though. I can't let myself.
At dinner i was talking to my dad about nuclear weapons when all of a sudden i stopped mid-sentence, then continued saying "sorry i thought the stove top had a place for a tetris piece"...
and well anyways.
there isn't much i can say right now....
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Take it easy (love nothing)
Okay wow so this weekend has been...I dont even know. Parts of it I only vaguely recall...friends, football game, uptown, staying up till 4 am and waking at 2 pm...picnic in the dark on the roof of my middle school, homecoming dance, denny's, friend's house, drive home at 130am, sleep at 330am (230am on new time)...wake up at 1130am(new time), rush to tennis party, come home, go see darjeeling limited with kyle, bump into sydney and nate in theatre.
Movie was good, yeah. I want to go to India (still).
After the movie I was driving when I realized nate and sydney might need a ride, so i called them and gave them one. Once in morro bay, nate said he wanted to drive, so i pulled over. big mistake. nathan cannot drive... So i took over again, and took them both home.
Now for the actual blog:
First of all, i've been thinking in tetris: hardxcore. I keep seeing tetris shapes and trying to make them all fit. Even words in my planner are shapes that i automatically think I need to flip to fit into the word next to it. It's...crazy. And really distracting. Really distracting.
So I guess I started feeling weird a bit before dinner. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself, and suddenly I was in my room in front of my halloween candy. (In michigan, our neighbors new us so well my sister and i would get candy bags with our names on them from the neighbors.) So i ate some random candy, then walked upstairs because dinner was ready. I'm still not too into tofu...but i ate some. and then i just sat there. I was supposed to do the dishes, but i suddenly felt really anxious, and i couldnt do the dishes. when my mom said "why can't you do the dishes?" i could only say "i dont know...i can't". It sounded ridiculous, but i felt like i couldn't move. Eventually I started but suddenly I couldn't handle it. I went and stood in the bathroom, not knowing what to do, so I jumped in the shower. Afterwards I stood, still not knowing what to do, so I went in my room to start homework. I was trying to focus on English, when my dad came in. After he left I just broke down because I didnt know what was going on. I'm not really sure how I feel right now. Eventually I did calculus for about an hour...which took my mind off everything, so now I feel normal again.
Maybe I need to take things easy.
The weekend really was good though, really good.
(i dont really know anything anymore, just some random sentences i phrase together.)
Movie was good, yeah. I want to go to India (still).
After the movie I was driving when I realized nate and sydney might need a ride, so i called them and gave them one. Once in morro bay, nate said he wanted to drive, so i pulled over. big mistake. nathan cannot drive... So i took over again, and took them both home.
Now for the actual blog:
First of all, i've been thinking in tetris: hardxcore. I keep seeing tetris shapes and trying to make them all fit. Even words in my planner are shapes that i automatically think I need to flip to fit into the word next to it. It's...crazy. And really distracting. Really distracting.
So I guess I started feeling weird a bit before dinner. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself, and suddenly I was in my room in front of my halloween candy. (In michigan, our neighbors new us so well my sister and i would get candy bags with our names on them from the neighbors.) So i ate some random candy, then walked upstairs because dinner was ready. I'm still not too into tofu...but i ate some. and then i just sat there. I was supposed to do the dishes, but i suddenly felt really anxious, and i couldnt do the dishes. when my mom said "why can't you do the dishes?" i could only say "i dont know...i can't". It sounded ridiculous, but i felt like i couldn't move. Eventually I started but suddenly I couldn't handle it. I went and stood in the bathroom, not knowing what to do, so I jumped in the shower. Afterwards I stood, still not knowing what to do, so I went in my room to start homework. I was trying to focus on English, when my dad came in. After he left I just broke down because I didnt know what was going on. I'm not really sure how I feel right now. Eventually I did calculus for about an hour...which took my mind off everything, so now I feel normal again.
Maybe I need to take things easy.
The weekend really was good though, really good.
(i dont really know anything anymore, just some random sentences i phrase together.)
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Sorry to be Heavy, but Heavy is the Cost
I've been so fucking busy. That is why I haven't written. To be honest, I don't really have the time to be writing right now. To summarize the last few days: Frantically apply to four schools and panic because envelopes are stupid, I have no time, nothing makes sense, writing essays, being ridiculously confused (that has taken up the majority of my time).
Then there's tennis: Tuesday we won a CIF match against fresno christian, which was awesome. Then today we drove to bakersfield to play. We got out of class at 930 (suh-weet), drove, (its so ugly...why do people live there?), was bummed that I wouldnt be seeing mitchell after all (itd be nice for best friends to live closer, eh?), we lost 3-6, got really upset, and such and such. i dont really want to talk about it because im a baby. (but if i were to talk about it i'd mention really wanting to end on a good note on accounta playing tennis all four years and never having won cif...this was the finals). Went to dinner, drove back. Didn't get home until 1045 which brings me to my next point:
school. Studied for a gvt test which i have first period tomorrow. school school school. i was doing pretty good with keeping up with calc, but this past week the whole applying by friday situation has left me no time. Other classes are okay...even though i feel like i've missed a lot for tennnis and such.
frustration. With people. Im not flipping out as much right now but was a night or two ago, and wanted to write but really had no time. I just don't understand people-straight up. It's hard to trust people because there is no way to know if their words are good. You think that things are okay or that things are SUPPOSED to be okay, but then find out that no one cares how things turn out, and people think itll be better to just not. NOT WHAT? whatthefuck.
busy weekend coming up. Homecoming game tomorrow. The field is gorgeous...im not one to be school-spirited, but i'm still excited. also to see an old friend again. then the dance is saturday...and i guess im going to go even though i'm rather un-interested. as my friend pointed out, all year the reason to do things will be "but it's the last time you can do this!" or "it's you're senior year, you have to!" etc etc.
anyways. thats my life summed up, and believe me i could go on and on.
i think after this weekend i'll feel a lot less stressed, because this week has been crazy.
(oh, and halloween was alright. we had tennis practice, then went trick or treating, michelle's briefly, go see a haunted house robin and nick worked on, h/w etc etc)
so yeah. i'm okay though. you know me. (probably not but whatever. actually, its more likely you think you know me and are assuming i'm someone stuck in the past. and im not. or you think i'm weird and just fucking random, because i dont explain my thoughts to you. or maybe you're afraid of saying the wrong thing, but then again, so am i.)
alright ive got to sleep,
aka: stress and write and go to sleep late, yet again.
but love you mostly, and i like where some things are heading.
can you believe this is a summary? so long. lame.
lovelovelove
Then there's tennis: Tuesday we won a CIF match against fresno christian, which was awesome. Then today we drove to bakersfield to play. We got out of class at 930 (suh-weet), drove, (its so ugly...why do people live there?), was bummed that I wouldnt be seeing mitchell after all (itd be nice for best friends to live closer, eh?), we lost 3-6, got really upset, and such and such. i dont really want to talk about it because im a baby. (but if i were to talk about it i'd mention really wanting to end on a good note on accounta playing tennis all four years and never having won cif...this was the finals). Went to dinner, drove back. Didn't get home until 1045 which brings me to my next point:
school. Studied for a gvt test which i have first period tomorrow. school school school. i was doing pretty good with keeping up with calc, but this past week the whole applying by friday situation has left me no time. Other classes are okay...even though i feel like i've missed a lot for tennnis and such.
frustration. With people. Im not flipping out as much right now but was a night or two ago, and wanted to write but really had no time. I just don't understand people-straight up. It's hard to trust people because there is no way to know if their words are good. You think that things are okay or that things are SUPPOSED to be okay, but then find out that no one cares how things turn out, and people think itll be better to just not. NOT WHAT? whatthefuck.
busy weekend coming up. Homecoming game tomorrow. The field is gorgeous...im not one to be school-spirited, but i'm still excited. also to see an old friend again. then the dance is saturday...and i guess im going to go even though i'm rather un-interested. as my friend pointed out, all year the reason to do things will be "but it's the last time you can do this!" or "it's you're senior year, you have to!" etc etc.
anyways. thats my life summed up, and believe me i could go on and on.
i think after this weekend i'll feel a lot less stressed, because this week has been crazy.
(oh, and halloween was alright. we had tennis practice, then went trick or treating, michelle's briefly, go see a haunted house robin and nick worked on, h/w etc etc)
so yeah. i'm okay though. you know me. (probably not but whatever. actually, its more likely you think you know me and are assuming i'm someone stuck in the past. and im not. or you think i'm weird and just fucking random, because i dont explain my thoughts to you. or maybe you're afraid of saying the wrong thing, but then again, so am i.)
alright ive got to sleep,
aka: stress and write and go to sleep late, yet again.
but love you mostly, and i like where some things are heading.
can you believe this is a summary? so long. lame.
lovelovelove
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