Perceptions

Posting has crossed my mind often. I log into my blogger account pretty regularly, but I can never bring myself about to post anything. I was thinking about this last night when I felt an impulse to change that. However I often find that the times writing a post crosses my mind, are the times when my mind is plagued with unpleasant thoughts that I have trouble justifying. This is coupled with the fact that my life has kept me too busy from sketching (thereby rendering me no sketches to post) or developing the roll of film in my camera.

Ever since I've had this blog, years ago, I find myself most likely to post at night. It is at night that I have the loneliest thoughts, though I can never figure out how they compare to daytime thoughts. I can't tell if my truest emotions come out before bed, or if I fall into an overly sentimental, false confidence at this time of day...not really reflecting how I feel about my life.

Well a few weeks ago especially I felt like I had fallen into this funk, and aspects of it have still carried over, though their legitimacy I do not know. One of the re-ocurring problems from this past month or so is the feeling I impulsively get upon entering my apartment, or engaging with my roommates. It's something I really have trouble explaining considering how home-y people say our place is, and how much I do respect each of my roommates. This is why I wonder if I am partly crazy (I'm partly sure I am). I'll randomly feel as though I am being judged, or as if everyone else gets along with eachother better than they do with me. But I can't really pin down empirical examples beyond the sarcastic off-hand comments we all make to eachother. It's a strange predicament to feel trapped in, especially with my new-found confidence that is present in my life nearly every day.

When I was in the lowest of these places, I tried so desperately to explain it to a friend. We sat out front and I tried to pinpoint my feelings with a variety of vocabulary. I even tried to explain my funk by attributing it to my opposition to vocabulary in general. I found that the more I tried to explain whatever it was, the more distanced I felt from the idea that I was trying to explain, and the harder it would be for me to grasp any real concept. Anything my friend said I found unsatisfactory, mainly because I understood the intent of all the advice but didn't think any of it pinpointed what I was getting at.

This reminds me of another friend who later told me she had gone through a funk of her own, that no one could pull her out of. I felt a bit bad that I hadn't known about it, but she acknowledged that she didn't think she could be pulled out of it. And it's strange, but I have felt better in the past week than I did last month- which may be due to the weather (which got better but has fallen back into cold and wet).

In general, I really am trying to live in the present and feel good about the direction I seem to be going in. However I can't help but wonder if the things that do bother me are going to disappear with time, or if I am holding onto them. I don't understand why I feel excluded in my own apartment, and I don't know if I am making it all up. Often before any type of confrontation has occurred, I find myself lost in entire narratives in my mind-based around an idea or issue I perceive to exist. I know that my subconscious must be speaking on behalf of the other people, but the conversations surprise even myself. It's as if I'm prepping myself for what I believe is about to be an issue. But then such an issue is never confronted, and I don't know if this means I am supposed to be causing confrontation, or if it means I am being unreasonably defensive.

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On top of this I've been planning on getting in touch with a lot of people, in some cases writing someone back and in other cases writing for the first time. I tell myself that I have geniounely been too busy to do these things, but I can't tell if that's my justification, or forgetfulness. I think it's both actually. Things like that should change starting next week when I do have more time. (I can't even really imagine what my lifestyle will be like next week, when school is done and I begin my summer in Boston with little responsibilities.)

With some of those people I think getting in touch is really critical for myself, a somewhat selfish reason to contact someone. I think before I do that, I'll be stuck unable to explain how I feel about relationships around me. I think most of the people I want to reach out to are people I have for some reason blocked from my mind, and have trouble letting in. I also think that after a certain amount of time I start to feel guilty and then I let the feeling of guilt over power any other sense of responsibility. To the point where the only explanation I give people on the issue is "I can't even explain it". But I think that's because I can't. I think i need time to sit and meditate on a lot of things in my life, and I haven't found or made the time to do so.

Anyways,

these are some of my nighttime thoughts, so I figured I'd give posting a shot.

(Also everytime I write "anyways" I remember a time when someone told me how annoyed they get by the extra "s" people add onto that word. But it just flows so much better.)

love.love.love.

Claudia