Hit me, let it hit me.

i was on a roll with depressing thoughts earlier tonight, but i'm struggling with recalling all of them now because i'm feeling a bit better...
so around 5 or so someone said "you seem sad" and i guess it wasn't till i heard that, that i realized i was. really sad. and i guess it was over nothing. sat with some friends, talked, listened, etc.
Drove with Kelsey to Atascadero for a concert at the lake. it was really gorgeous, and hecka romantic (as kels pointed out). There was a deck around the lake, a path, gazebo. Loud crickets, ducks. <3 There were some cool people there, some good hugs were exchanged...etc etc.
I started to get a headache because all id eaten all day was some lunch, and it was getting late. Music was good (as always) but I just felt not really there. Or maybe there, but just not okay.
And I started thinking about how I was at the same point where I was six or so months ago, and how I hate that. How i always wind up at this EXACT same point. And then i got frustrated with myself for being mad at myself because I guess it's not all my fault anyways. I guess the frustration is also that there were some really good days, i had a good summer, but now it's like nothing has changed, or like they have gotten worse.
Worse because of...? It's weird, I like myself now more than I used to, but in someways i fucking piss myself off. Like why do i always feel awkward now and not know how to articulate? Why do I get nervous and choke up when talking in front of a class? Why do i fiddle and want so badly to dance, but for whatever reason just can't. It's not that i'm self conscious is the thing, it's just that now it's like i'm trapped into this person that sometimes feels restricted.
Senior year is in no way better than other years. I don't mean because of personal life, but everything. HI, my name is stress?
I just know that I want to be in one safe place and STAY. I don't want to have to search or worry, but just be happy with the way everything is. You can call that Utopian, but some people have it. I want that to be me.
I'm sure there was more, but I guess it doesn't matter.
When i couldn't remember what I had wanted to write on my christmas lists as a child, my father always said "if you can't remember, then it must not have been important"
but sometimes that simply isn't the case.

This whole blog can be misinterpreted i'm sure.
Hopefully Saturday will prove to be okay, and that I can keep sanity.
Need to wake up for tennis...
lovelovelove.


lets find ways