I'm in a shitty mood. I feel like I'm always in a shitty mood. And nothing you can do or say will help because I dont know what to tell you in response or to start. I'm tired of other people telling me what is good for me. To tell me there is never a relaxing evening because there is "always some goddamn crisis!" Well maybe the crisis is that I just can't relax! If you ask me how i am at school, i will probably always say "fine". If I say good I will be lying. That doesnt mean im BAD, it just means im fine and am incapable of being better than that.
No one reads this anymore, oh well.
Last night i fell asleep "watching baseball" (aka, resting my head in my hands and closing my eyes). And when I woke up I was way too tired to communicate or write. It bothers me that in my journal I only find long entries when I'm terribly upset about something, like a break up. My god I usually have things to say, why do I only say them then? It's like "i need to find time" but there is no time to be found.
I'm not quite sure why i'm in such a stressed mood now.
On the way back from tennis I slept in the car. Did english when I got home.
Then had dinner with family and some guy. I think that's when my evening went down. because i feel like it's rude to ask about an alcoholic dad. and because i am tired of teasing claudia for whatever reason. i also don't find it appropriate to yell at someone then act like you deserve to be treated with respect. i dont even care how cliche and teenager it sounds.
i think there are times when i could talk endlessly, but i suppress myself. how well will the person understand, how much energy do i have to talk?
At least at kairos i can ignore my life here for a while and not have class. we'll see how the retreat itself goes.
I will set it up with you, and we will get inside his head.
And the arms are crossed. And the stills must all come down.
what to do, what to do? It's like I just can't....can't what?
CANT WHAT?
i dont know who i need or what i need.
give me more time. please give me more time.
everything goes back to it,
and i can't bring myself about to -
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5 comments:
hey! i'm reading your blog.
so now you cant say that no-one reads your blogs. because now i do! yay.. yeah, YAY!
and i know what you mean about people who, disrespect you and then they are all like, ''dont talk to me like that i deserve respect'' sounds like my parents.
and i think that you just need to like ''get away'', like take a step back, and take a break. find something FUN to do. if anything come paintballing with me! yeah!
you definatly should, i'm going on september 10th or 11th. so you should definatly come.
or we should hang out soon. for sure.
aite. yeah!
-DG
first, i don't think dylan meant september 10th.. just throwing that out there.
and now you've got two people who read this.
and it sucks that you know no one can help you be not stressed and not pissed all the time lately. because we all want to help. i hate feeling so helpless so much lately. like everything that happens, bad or good, is in everyone else's hands.
kairos will be good. we'll make it good.
why didnt i mean september 10th? porque?!?!
My whole life is "fine." I feel like that's the only emotion I can afford to have right now. I'm so overwhelmed I don't wanna lose it...so I stick with "fine." I don't have time to feel....or go to Rocky Horror. I'm so mad I missed it. It's such an amazing movie, but apparently it's at the greyhound station (?!) a lot. So weird. And I'm dying to go the Shins. Blah. Life! Hope we both cheer up.
when is kairos?
and I read too. ha that was my first thought-of comment but I guess some people beat me to it. It's just that sometimes it takes me a few days or maybe a week to read it but when I need to hear some Claudia, I do. and sometimes I don't respond. I almost responded to one with "hi" just so you'd know I'd read but I didn't think you'd care for that too much.
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