A Myriad of Reflections.

We had graduation and mass rehearsal today. There was so much confusion about order and walking and sitting and standing and cues. I'm not sure that it was necessary. Tomorrow there is a bonfire where I will burn schoolwork-this will be a very nice thing to do. It's funny, I have some things from sophomore year to burn...

I alternate between feeling at peace with life, and feeling chaotic. I am always like this. I am at peace because I am really starting to get stoked about next year....and I have been having some really great times with friends these past few weeks-picnics and talks and movie nights and baseball games... I actually went job-hunting, which is a start to getting money this summer. There are a lot of things going right. On the other hand I feel chaotic because my family frustrates me and I still feel like a little child. It's cliche, but I often feel as though I'm never good enough. I'll get congratulated for this or that...but I keep expecting the congratulations to involve amnesty from early curfews, etc etc. I''m going to a great school next year, I've worked hard all of high school, and yet the night before my last classes, the night before my last test, the night before any day...i'll be asked "did you study?" Because if I didn't then I am told I may possibly fail. I just hate this constant pressure for everything. Of course if I point it out then the response is something to the effect of "we don't pressure you" or "no i didn't say that". It's frustrating when you are younger and not as likely to be believed.

I feel like I've grown in many ways ...but lately I've watched myself and asked "Is this me trying to be grown up? What am I trying to accomplish?" I guess that is the way things will always be. I'll never fully have things figured out.

I often look around at life and am amused by the roles humans play in it. When I think about humans, just another kind of animal, I find it interesting that they have come to advance in ways considered to be beyond any other animal. We have methods of quick transportation and this whole "system" with currencies and stores and regulations. It's just odd to me the way that worked out. The way humans live in such a complicated and crazy society they have built for themselves. It's just interesting to me...we are animals unlike any other somehow...
I feel I don't exactly get my point across in words as well as I do in my head.

I am also thinking about how I have to remember not to get my expectations up. People are so kind and for some reason it's often not good enough for me. I'm not sure why, but I think I always find myself expecting more.

Lately I have been going about random activities, when I will reflect on a person and his or her whereabouts. This happens will all people. Suddenly before I can stop myself I am telling myself a story of where the person is, often it is sad... and leaves me wanting to cry, afraid the person really is hurt or really did say this or that... it's not a very fun game, but I can't help but play it.

This was a crazy entry.

love.love.love.