I Will Never Be Chuck Close

And I am mad at myself for pretending.

My friend in the hallway said why be Chuck Close when I can be Claudia Christensen?

I don't know, for some reason I don't really feel the energy of affirmations right now.

Because I know how to affirm,

and if you affirm me I will see right through it,

I will say "you are very good at affirming, two can play at that game".

I have fallen into my cynical phase and I already have accepted, almost encouraged, it to stay for a while.

I can listen to no song with lyrics for fear of interpreting made up meaning.

I am having a very hard time dealing with time. 

Exams in one month and so many papers and paperwork to complete before that?

Home in a month and a half, and spring and planes before that? I dont really feel like anyplace is home right now, everywhere I go is just a guest bedroom.

Argentina in three months, and friends and family and work before that? I know no one there, and I feel pretty completely in the dark with anything related to it.

"How could someone put up with me for life when I can't even put up with myself?"

I know I'm choosing to exclude any discussion of the positive right now, but it just feels like failure a million times over.

I will never be Chuck Close.