A Mid-Summer Reflection

Summer has brought about more emotions and confusion than I ever could have anticipated. I'm not sure how articulate I am at two in the morning, but writing a bit tends to seem like a good idea.

I should firstly say that I am back in California after three weeks in Kenya and two nights in Boston. Now I'm going to be pretty vague here (which may seem odd) but all in all I am glad I went to Kenya and I learned a lot from the experience. I am not going to say that it was life-changing or that I regret it. It gave me a lot of perspective on what I consider a comfortable lifestyle to be as well as my personality. That is to say, the Kenyans we were around lived a very simple lifestyle with their own farms and eating their own products. No they were not particularly wealthy, but they did seem to be content and I admired the way they lived and their sense of community. I feel that people often feel the need to "rescue" other people but that we all need to carefully evaluate such situations before deciding who needs the rescuing.

Now I want to move on (though maybe I will revisit the topic of Kenya at some point) and say a bit about being home.

Regarding being home: No idea how to feel about this. I am conflicted for so many reasons. This place is as much a home as any, yet I do not feel particularly motivated to come back next summer as staying in Boston was tempting this time around so I expect it to be a very realistic option a year from now. It's odd because I think I expected to feel considerably closer to my friends here than the ones I have made at school...mostly due to the fact that my friends here have known me longer and are bound to know more about me as a person. Yet being back in town seems to remind me that I am disconnected from a lot of people and I do not have a consistant or solid group of friends in California and maybe never will. It has been absolutely fantastic to see some of these people and reconnect. Absolutely. Yet I know that me being home only truly affects a handful and with some of my closest friends already gone from San Luis Obispo I realize that I do not know when I will see all of these people at the same time, ever. I'm not sure if this is something that depresses me greatly, or something I find completely natural. Maybe both. For some reason in my head I think I expected some kind of epic-summer in some sense...and while the summer has been relatively enjoyable, it does not seem epic and there have been some really tough times.

I guess that's it essentially. There have been some really tough times and I cannot remember the last time (or summer) when I felt so emotionally unstable. I'm trying to find comfort in the people I have here but it feels really tough and I don't want any of that seeking to be forced. Truthfully, I really wish I could say "hey listen, I just really need to be seeing you...a lot, because I really need someone here right now" but I want everyone to be able to live his or her summer as he or she wants and I sometimes feel that the people I want to be around are the people who are inaccessible for whatever reason. 

Family life has been a struggle (which is an understatement in itself) so it's hard to find something solid to grasp. I've been trying to spend time with my mother during the day (especially now that my father is in France and that I know she will be lonely when I leave again in the fall). It's hard for me to talk really, but I know she appreciates me being around and running errands with her and I really enjoy hearing her talk about her friends back home or hearing her play music or get involved in the local art community. My mother has been through so much and there is so much to learn. With our rent ending at the end of August, we will be moving. Actually, today my mother informed me of a one house in particular which has a lot of potential. It's all pretty chaotic.

I have a notebook in which I write letters to people that I find important but do not actually give to the people. I guess it is therapeutic for me to feel as though I am writing to the person and in doing so realize what should and should not actually be said. Last night I looked for it and searched frantically thinking I had lost it. When I found it a while later I felt relieved and thought it so interesting that I felt so dependent on such a thing. I think at the end of this summer I will be writing some real letters to people.

I would now like to end the post with a quick summary of summer thus far: Boston, CT with Andrea/Michael, Animal Collective, Kenya, Boston with Mike, Andrea and Michael pick me up in SF and drive me home, Hannah goes backpacking, Mission graduates, attempt to get a job, swim in tunnels under a pool cover, watch Magical Mystery Tour, Cameron's birthday coincides with Michael Jackson's death, drive to SF with Skyla and Elizabeth for Pride Weekend and stay with Michael, Montana de Oro with Nate, stargaze at Laguna, talking in the gazebo, fourth of july at Cayucos, mother returns from Spain, board games, father to France, Madonna mtn sunset picnic with Julia, Troll 2, Poly Canyon, dinner at the Inmans, Wet-hot, Morro Bay cleanse, Harry Potter premiere, puzzles, see Sarah, Indian burial ground.

To come: Los Osos book sale, Jackie and I drive to Berkeley, pick up Mike in SF, spend the week with him at home and show him the fun adventurous life that is the Central Coast (6 months), visit Emilie in Santa Cruz, Hannah returns, Sarah comes to San Luis in August, tie-up loose ends at home, Boston on August 30th.

Right now,

some of you mean the world to me. 

And I hope you know that. 

Love.Love.Love. 

Claudia

photo credit to Cameron Swanagon