Dude She's Crazy

I'll start with brief summaries. Drove to Huasna yesterday (with a friend from SLO). Saw some fireworks, road in a truck bed, talked, slept. It's vague, but it was fun.
Today woke up. Hit by pillow. Cereal. Drive, drive to mechanics, drive home. Shower when part of me wants to sleep. Computer briefly. Mac n' cheese. Play tennis with dad. I don't call him "Dad".
When playing I get annoyed at his lobs, which he does on purpose as a defensive strategy. I find it weak and it gets annoying. But we have a close match and I'm glad I went afterall.
Downtown (and pick up a friend). Get paid to see a movie (and have the movie paid). Dinner bought. Talking. Walking. Embarrassment.
The thing is I dont want this blog to be a summary of my life, rather a summary of my thoughts.
So my thoughts right now are of how lame i am. And i worry saying that because i dont want people to think its in hopes of hearing "Nah you're not lame!" because really, i am. I don't know, its just that i wonder why i say half of the things i do. I've thought about trying to just NOT talk...but half of me strongly hates how i keep to myself more and more. I used to be friendlier, not too self conscious. and its not that im NOT friendly now,or that im uber self conscious, i just get really shy and feel stupid really easily now. Right now for instance, i feel stupid.
and it makes me not want to talk.
ever.
I think part of it is that when i do speak my mind i imagine people thinking "she's saying this to get attention" or that im showing off for having whatever belief. and i HATE thinking that. i really do. it's killing me.
i dont know what to do with myself.

and its hard to explain this. because i dont have ridiculously low self-esteem, and i know im not totally lame, but i can be lame, and i get frustrated with myself.
Also i was thinking about getting to know people right now. And wondering if they're getting to know me, or getting to know a person i want them to know. if that makes sense. I want them to know me and i hope i AM me. these are the cliche questions we're supposed to ask ourselves.
ask, ask away.
lovelovelove
claudia